This Is What I Love

Great ending.

That last stanza is pregnant with meaning.

The last 3 stanzas are fabulous, Daniel, and prevent it from being another ho-him porn poem.

A good exercise is to go through the poem and delete words to see if something is lost in the process. If there's redundancy in a poem, it should be intentional, not accidental.

For example, deleting "ass" in line 4 makes the stanza better IMO. At first, it seems like a gentle display of affection, i.e., the facial cheek, but the next line proves otherwise, so there's an "Aha!" creating a sense of "Oh, now this is going to get interesting!" on the part of the reader.

Stanza 2 is weak to me because "green light" and "open door" read like clichés. However, I do like "If she raises up the yes please," which would work well as the opening line of the next stanza. I also like the word play of "the yes please" as a noun.

If you're burying your tongue, I'm not sure "as far as it will go" is necessary, but it's OK. I mention it only because whenever a poet suggests and then adds description to what was suggested, it engages the reader less. When you bury your tongue, I can imagine it will be as far as it can go.

As I said, the rest of the poem is fabulous. I wouldn't anything.

I enjoyed reading this, Daniel.

Thank you!

for the great feedback!

Daniel , i'm reacting to your request for feedback posted on PFD thread elsewhere :

I'm a Bottom Lover so your first four stanzas are to me Food for my Soul .
Next two stanzas can be an excellent Non erotic poem in a standalone avatar

The last stanza ties up these two very different poems so it coalesces into one seamless Whole : I 5-ed your poem !!!

thanks

Thanks Ashesh9 for your feedback. I am so glad you liked it!