This was a fairly well-written piece. Someone who writes as well as you do, should know the Number 1 rule of writing dialogue:
Every time you change speakers, you MUST start a new paragraph.
This makes it easier to follow, and realize someone new has spoken. If you take what you wrote:
Again, I weighed the situation and slowly spoke, " I can assure you that I have no problem with any of this. I won't tell anyone. Besides, who would believe me?" "I wish it were that simple. Our Debra here signed an NDA when she accepted our arrangement. And as much as I may trust you, some of our more prominent members require more." "I can sign an NDA. I have nothing to lose." I interjected. "Yes, that precisely the problem. You have nothing to lose...."
...and switch paragraphs when you switch speakers, you get,
Again, I weighed the situation and slowly spoke, " I can assure you that I have no problem with any of this. I won't tell anyone. Besides, who would believe me?"
"I wish it were that simple. Our Debra here signed an NDA when she accepted our arrangement. And as much as I may trust you, some of our more prominent members require more."
"I can sign an NDA. I have nothing to lose." I interjected.
"Yes, that [is] precisely the problem. You have nothing to lose...."
See how much easier to read that is? When I first read your story, I must've gone over the dialogue sections a half dozen times, till I got it straight in my head, which person was speaking, & when did it change from him to her?
Now, get busy writing and let us know what happens next. I really hate cliffhangers--especially when I'm interested enough in the characters/plot to care about what happens after they hang on the proverbial cliff!
by
Anonymous09/05/16
Agree with prior comments
I was so sucked in that I was stunned when it ended before it got going. Very engaging premise. You have talent, so hope you take the advice of your other commenters.
English
Enjoyed it!
Looking forward to the next installment! Hope to see it soon :)
intriguing
Disappointed when page two wasn't there
where's the beef??
next time give us a story please.
Next page please.
Nice package, where is the meat?
Dialogue punctuation needs work.
This was a fairly well-written piece. Someone who writes as well as you do, should know the Number 1 rule of writing dialogue:
Every time you change speakers, you MUST start a new paragraph.
This makes it easier to follow, and realize someone new has spoken. If you take what you wrote:
Again, I weighed the situation and slowly spoke, " I can assure you that I have no problem with any of this. I won't tell anyone. Besides, who would believe me?" "I wish it were that simple. Our Debra here signed an NDA when she accepted our arrangement. And as much as I may trust you, some of our more prominent members require more." "I can sign an NDA. I have nothing to lose." I interjected. "Yes, that precisely the problem. You have nothing to lose...."
...and switch paragraphs when you switch speakers, you get,
Again, I weighed the situation and slowly spoke, " I can assure you that I have no problem with any of this. I won't tell anyone. Besides, who would believe me?"
"I wish it were that simple. Our Debra here signed an NDA when she accepted our arrangement. And as much as I may trust you, some of our more prominent members require more."
"I can sign an NDA. I have nothing to lose." I interjected.
"Yes, that [is] precisely the problem. You have nothing to lose...."
See how much easier to read that is? When I first read your story, I must've gone over the dialogue sections a half dozen times, till I got it straight in my head, which person was speaking, & when did it change from him to her?
Now, get busy writing and let us know what happens next. I really hate cliffhangers--especially when I'm interested enough in the characters/plot to care about what happens after they hang on the proverbial cliff!
Agree with prior comments
I was so sucked in that I was stunned when it ended before it got going. Very engaging premise. You have talent, so hope you take the advice of your other commenters.
Wonderful dialog
weakened by lack of paragraphing. Fun to read and a great beginning to other adventures......
As was said earlier, new paragraph with each new speaker. Would have been an easy ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ .
Thanks
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