- All
Comments (6) - Add a
Comment - Send
Feedback Send private anonymous feedback to the author (click here to post a public comment instead).
| Literotica Toy Store ADULT TOY & DVD STORE FAST & DISCREET |
Literotica XXX Webcams 24/7 LIVE CAMS - FREE PREVIEW W/AUDIO! |
Literotica Adult Movies STREAMING ADULT MOVIES PAY PER MINUTE |
English
An author's dilemma
You have an interesting theme,
but your meter misses here and there
and your rhymes strain or miss at times.
Time to sit back and rethink?
The language
Flows in a compelling way all through this nery narrational poem. It never gets dull to read, and the imagery played very well. Like said, the meter is a tad bit off occationally. You have it right most of the time, so it just needed some extra time if you want to sharpen the form.
ohh mannnn...
You got me with...
"A cigarette burns brightly in a wrinkled hand"
I LOVE that line! Every now and then a poem or a part of one grabs me. Tes... sit back and look at it and tighten it just a bit, but for Pete's sake don't touch that line! Thanks a lot!
ohh mannnn...
You got me with...
"A cigarette burns brightly in a wrinkled hand"
I LOVE that line! Every now and then a poem or a part of one grabs me. Yes... sit back and look at it and tighten it just a bit, but for Pete's sake don't touch that line! Thanks a lot!
Oh Yes!
This is SO close to being a very good poem. The narrative is wonderful but I do agree with YDD - the meter and rhyming needs to be tidied up for that to happen.
I can see the work you put into this one...
and it has some promise. As it is, it reads a little rough with the rhyme feeling forced at times. I think if you read the lines outloud and rework the areas that sound a little off. I think if you can get the lines to flow a little better, the rhyme will feel more natural. I think if you used a little more emjambment it would help the rhyme. An excellent start here.
jim : )
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to The Unfinished Tale or
More submissions by EveHasFallen.