All Comments on 'A Lover's Wish'

by legerdemer

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  • 5 Comments
Ashesh9Ashesh9over 7 years ago
Sweetly

Sentimental , Mer : 5-ed !

pelegrinopelegrinoover 7 years ago

Beautiful in its realization of the impossibility of freedom from love's spell, but still wishing for it (in the last 3 lines).

8+6 is a very musical division for me and the iambic pentameter enhances it further still. The melody is already sounding in my head, so I keep it for having a go (if you don't mind, of course).

Well done!

tazz317tazz317over 7 years ago
AND COWS CHEW THEIR CUD

giving milk to sustain life TK U MLJ LV NV

greenmountaineergreenmountaineerover 7 years ago

This is lovely, Mer. It had a real Elizabeth Barret Browning ring to it. I read it yesterday but didn't have the time to delve into it.

My only quibble is with line 3. The iambic pentameter felt forced to me. To my ear "like a" gives an unintended stress to "like," a supposedly unstressed word and diminishes the stressed word "a," which is difficult to stress anyway. The comma you inserted mitigates, but it still sounds off to me.

"as a" perhaps isn't much better, but it elides and doesn't further diminish the stress in "a," at least to my ear. There may be a different word pairing, such as "a love tattoo," but that felt a bit forced to me as well.

That said, I repeat it's a lovely poem.

AlwaysHungryAlwaysHungryover 7 years ago
The eagle has landed

A fully realized, lovely Petrarchan sonnet.

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