Hot Tomboy Little Sister Ch. 01

And..?

Not bad for a first attempt. It started out fine with the introduction and build but then seemed to hop, skip, and jump to a fast unfinished end./ Keep going, the story and your writing has potential.

great start

more please

Yes, a very nice beginning story, details are pretty good and the mounting enthusiasm of big brother and his cute sister !! A few minor grammar and more physical details now will make the next chapter hotter. It was arousing and has a very good story plot to it. Obviously, his little sister likes it and I'll bet she ups the ante next time. Maybe, she'll give him a full blowjob ?? Thanks !

Great story...we need more!

Nice beginning, needed to be longer.

Excellent First Effort!

Please keep writing, and not just because this story needs to be continued.

The "Ch. 01" in the title promises that we'll hear more about these two---and I certainly hope that the promise is fulfilled. But I think that the first installment itself is too short. In part, and paradoxically, that's because there's too much detail. You've told us about things that are never made a part of the story, so the piece borders on being an over-detailed sketch, instead of a story. Two to three Literotica pages seems to be about what's needed to tell this part of your story.

Caitlin is a tomboy, we're told, and yet almost nothing in the story would need to be changed if she weren't: How does this quality of her personality make itself essential to the story? The best stories involve memorable characters with, perhaps, unusual qualities. But those characters must *make* themselves memorable through their words and their actions.

There isn't nearly enough dialogue in the story, which comes to us largely through narration. The story would be better to the extent that dialogue conveys their interactions. All authors have trouble with this; it's much easier to just write out what happens than it is to incorporate it into reasonable dialogue. But it's also much less effective.

She gives too little consideration to having him give her head. She's too blasé about stripping for him so that he can do so. She should be more doubtful about this act, more dismissive, maybe even more reluctant---at least initially. Alternately, she could be more, and more explicitly, enthusiastic. After all, the two are crossing an important line here, and she doesn't give us enough reason behind her decision to go ahead.

How does he know that she's wet? They pull off her pants, and he knows. How? Does he see? Tell us what he saw---surely it was more than just moisture. Did he feel? What did it feel like? (Wet, yes. But what else?) And what were his internal reactions to what he saw/felt?

Why does Caitlin cry out her girlfriend's name? Why doesn't her action seem to have any affect on him? (What's his name, anyway?) Without a little more detail here, her action becomes something random and irrelevant. If it's setting up something in the future, you need to follow it up, not necessarily in detail, but enough that there's a chance we'll remember it when the story realizes that future. (Which, of course, will have to be in one of the promised future chapters.)

Her "girl's orgasm" is "not like a guy's". That's good---very good. Few authors work this difference into their stories, even implicitly. But it deserves to be there.

The first stages of their second encounter cry out for more detail. "I went first" isn't enough. How did they decide that he should go first? Did he just eat her out? (That's OK, but not great.) Or were there some preliminaries? (That could be pretty hot, depending on what those preliminaries were, how they affected the two of them, and how you tell us about them.) And here, particularly, we need more dialogue---not just a little indirect quotation.

The word "areola(e)" is probably better than "aureola(e)". (Look'em up.) I've made this mistake myself.

The shower seems artificial, because they make no effort to clean him up (the stated reason for the shower) before she gets down to business. (Maybe there's a reason when they didn't clean him; see my earlier remarks about preliminaries.) Nor does the shower seem to wash the cum from her face, which seems especially out of place: If she's squeamish about eating him, it seems likely that she won't want to let him come on her face without making a point of washing it off as quickly as possible.

Four stars, including one (for such a good first effort) I wouldn't otherwise give a more experienced author.

Very nice story

Bros and sis helping each other out is a wonderful thing. Many have done similar and both benefit. Good story telling.