One editing mistake--which day was Evelyn's? You start out Sunday, then it changes to every Saturday, then back to Sunday. Since Ellie spent a few hours of Saturday with her mother, I would assume Sunday was the day you meant. I look forward to your next story. Thanks.
The first part of the story is pretty standard fair, a 3 or 4 at best, but the introduction of the child is written spectacularly, very evocatively, and is 5* writing. Dont know who you are or where you came from, your bio is a bit tongue in cheek, but man is that last part of the story good!
What a splashy first story, in probably the most contentious section of Lit! Well done and looking forward to getting to know all those people in your head.
i dont understad how mn can take it in strife being robed of there children the woman stole his child becouze she whanted a career not to protect his me persenoly would never have forgiven her for robbing the 5 first years of my childs live
patillie - Thanks for the compliment. Overall the feedback here has been incredibly kind. I'll do what I can to deserve it in the future.
As to DreamCloud, i wish. I'm happy to even be allowed on the same site with him, he's far better than I. I do have a frustrated italian princess sitting glumly on the sidelines who would like to have a word with him. Wrote her about six months before he posted The Marriage - his was a better storyline and far better written than mine, but with a lot of the same themes and problems. I still want to salvage her so she's partially rewritten. Her hair is already changed from red to blonde, and I'm not sure how happy she is about that...
Good story, excellent characters, good pace. Some areas tended to be confusing but this did not detract from the overall story. Get a good editor to help.
Good job, I'm looking forward to enjoying more of your work.
Well written, but you seemed to overuse the element of telling the reader what was happening after the fact, and it made this a bit confusing at times. I found myself thinking . . . Who the hell is Cathy and Monica? Oh, they are friends from Emma's past. Why the hell is he kneeling down while talking to the deputy director? Oh, that's a little girl he's talking to. Is Frankie a rabbit? Oh, he's a pug. Is he raping her? Oh, it's a training exercise. The first time was an excellent way to start the story, but use that device sparingly.
by
Anonymous08/01/16
3*s
That's some mighty fine entertainment, Todd172 🎭.
You have quite a few comments already. I'll only add one.
How soon before you post another story,lol??
Overall I enjoyed this story. While there were a few mechanical issues, like time jumps with nothing to off set them, the story flowed nicely and wasn't difficult to follow. Keep up the good work.
A very good story...between a lot of bad stories posted lately...this one is like fresh air!!
A very good story...between a lot of bad stories posted lately...this one is like fresh air!! Good writing, well defined characters, and to the point...4*
Excellent romance story, compact and nicely moving. Great writing. 5 stars
by
Anonymous08/02/16
Very Well Done. Great Read.
An inattention to your own details mistake was when you had him place Ellie on Emma's RIGHT side, since that's the side that was all torn up from the car bombing.
For my money, Emma is a boneheaded woman who cost herself and him six years of their lives that could and should have been spent together.
If his mother-in-law was that beautiful ... and, as you pointed out, unfucked by her husband, why didn't the sergeant take her to bed and make her a full fledged family member while she was visiting her grand daughter and Emma? After all, Emma had certainly been getting her pussy plugged by someone other than him during those last six years so there was no reason to feel guilty about fucking and cumming in her mother's tight pussy. She could still not have reached menopause, gotten pregnant and produced another pair of Topaz Eyes.... maybe MALE... to fuck all the women.
Your characters were consistent throughout the story, which is why I was able to accept the man's controlled reaction to finding out he has a daughter.
There were a few technical errors, but others have covered those.
@Anonymous Re: "A dramatic sweet and clever romance."
"Well, except for the rich asshole father. Who cares what happened to him?" - Given your apparent anger you must think that the "rich asshole father" is Ellie's father.
Our hero is her father, the rich asshole is EMMA'S father, and you're right, who cares what happened to him?!
by
Anonymous08/04/16
Beautiful Story
Just a wonderful story. Thank you for posting this.
Three things and then:
1. I'm a long winded overly wordy kind of guy who likes the back story as much as the overall theme and plot, but I didn't miss anything here. Loved it!
2. Nowadays there seems to be a fascination with highly skilled over trained men and women of steel who spend their lives in covert operations. Me, I'm meat and potatoes; guy works at a warehouse, wife's a Walmart type. Just the same this was fascinating.
3. Most LW readers are looking for the infidelity/adultery theme with the usual rising suspicion, discovery, denial, heartache, and eventual resolution. I'm really sick of it; this was an LW. They are what we want them to be.
And then you mentioned Bogart in a comment. Funny about that; for me it did evolve into his voice, and Lauren Bacall slipped right into Emma's role. No not good job here, a great job!
In terms of writing - probably a little too concise and abrupt with the transitions, but not really a problem. In terms of plot - wow. Tremendous character development in only two pages. The scene when he first met his daughter was very moving but so subtle I had to read it three times to understand who the rainbow skirt was and how she fit in. Five stars because they don't have six.
by
Anonymous08/09/16
Home Run
In fact, an inside the park home run: Unusual and very exciting.
Nuf said. Can't add to what I assume are 70+ very positive comments. Now I get the pleasure of reading Emma's tale. Thank you for submitting a real gem in the sewage treatment plant that LW has become lately.
We don't need to know what happened in Turkey, the very well written just enough background of hers let us know exactly what her mindset and ambition was.
As a father, I absolutely hated that he missed the child's first 5 years. This "takes a village" bullshit, is just that.. it doesn't take a fucking village, it takes a father!
and mother (unless of course there are legitimate reasons) but ambition is NOT a good excuse for such a selfish and deplorable negligence of telling the father and allowing him to be a father.
just enough.
re the Saturday v Sunday kerfuffle. Grandma was told, if she wanted to visit she had to call first, so she called every Saturday in order to be able to come over on Sunday. lol
It introduces characters, establishes a storyline, and brings into existence a new universe with many tales to follow.
Enjoy. Just look at the stories submitted by the author and take your cue from the date submitted.
English
Good, solid story
One editing mistake--which day was Evelyn's? You start out Sunday, then it changes to every Saturday, then back to Sunday. Since Ellie spent a few hours of Saturday with her mother, I would assume Sunday was the day you meant. I look forward to your next story. Thanks.
So conflicted
The first part of the story is pretty standard fair, a 3 or 4 at best, but the introduction of the child is written spectacularly, very evocatively, and is 5* writing. Dont know who you are or where you came from, your bio is a bit tongue in cheek, but man is that last part of the story good!
What a splashy first story, in probably the most contentious section of Lit! Well done and looking forward to getting to know all those people in your head.
PS-do you write as Dreamclooud as well?
i dont understad how mn can take it in strife being robed of there children the woman stole his child becouze she whanted a career not to protect his me persenoly would never have forgiven her for robbing the 5 first years of my childs live
I wish
patillie - Thanks for the compliment. Overall the feedback here has been incredibly kind. I'll do what I can to deserve it in the future.
As to DreamCloud, i wish. I'm happy to even be allowed on the same site with him, he's far better than I. I do have a frustrated italian princess sitting glumly on the sidelines who would like to have a word with him. Wrote her about six months before he posted The Marriage - his was a better storyline and far better written than mine, but with a lot of the same themes and problems. I still want to salvage her so she's partially rewritten. Her hair is already changed from red to blonde, and I'm not sure how happy she is about that...
Great first effort!
Good story, excellent characters, good pace. Some areas tended to be confusing but this did not detract from the overall story. Get a good editor to help.
Good job, I'm looking forward to enjoying more of your work.
Very good - enjoyed it
Well written, but you seemed to overuse the element of telling the reader what was happening after the fact, and it made this a bit confusing at times. I found myself thinking . . . Who the hell is Cathy and Monica? Oh, they are friends from Emma's past. Why the hell is he kneeling down while talking to the deputy director? Oh, that's a little girl he's talking to. Is Frankie a rabbit? Oh, he's a pug. Is he raping her? Oh, it's a training exercise. The first time was an excellent way to start the story, but use that device sparingly.
3*s
That's some mighty fine entertainment, Todd172 🎭.
You have quite a few comments already. I'll only add one.
How soon before you post another story,lol??
AMerryman
Good story
Overall I enjoyed this story. While there were a few mechanical issues, like time jumps with nothing to off set them, the story flowed nicely and wasn't difficult to follow. Keep up the good work.
A very good story...between a lot of bad stories posted lately...this one is like fresh air!!
A very good story...between a lot of bad stories posted lately...this one is like fresh air!! Good writing, well defined characters, and to the point...4*
Full circle
Excellent romance story, compact and nicely moving. Great writing. 5 stars
Very Well Done. Great Read.
An inattention to your own details mistake was when you had him place Ellie on Emma's RIGHT side, since that's the side that was all torn up from the car bombing.
For my money, Emma is a boneheaded woman who cost herself and him six years of their lives that could and should have been spent together.
If his mother-in-law was that beautiful ... and, as you pointed out, unfucked by her husband, why didn't the sergeant take her to bed and make her a full fledged family member while she was visiting her grand daughter and Emma? After all, Emma had certainly been getting her pussy plugged by someone other than him during those last six years so there was no reason to feel guilty about fucking and cumming in her mother's tight pussy. She could still not have reached menopause, gotten pregnant and produced another pair of Topaz Eyes.... maybe MALE... to fuck all the women.
Almost missed this. ..
And the loss would have been mine.
This is your debut? Damn!!!
Fast paced, had me from the start.
Your characters were consistent throughout the story, which is why I was able to accept the man's controlled reaction to finding out he has a daughter.
There were a few technical errors, but others have covered those.
You are definitely someone to look out for.
Thank you for writing.
Man, what a spectacular first effort...
... Even though this story was a little lacking on certain details, it was a truly "brilliant" first effort.
A dramatic sweet and clever romance.
Its where you end up that counts, and they all lived happily ever after. Well, except for the rich asshole father. Who cares what happened to him?
@Anonymous Re: "A dramatic sweet and clever romance."
"Well, except for the rich asshole father. Who cares what happened to him?" - Given your apparent anger you must think that the "rich asshole father" is Ellie's father.
Our hero is her father, the rich asshole is EMMA'S father, and you're right, who cares what happened to him?!
Beautiful Story
Just a wonderful story. Thank you for posting this.
Gosh and Jeepers!
Three things and then:
1. I'm a long winded overly wordy kind of guy who likes the back story as much as the overall theme and plot, but I didn't miss anything here. Loved it!
2. Nowadays there seems to be a fascination with highly skilled over trained men and women of steel who spend their lives in covert operations. Me, I'm meat and potatoes; guy works at a warehouse, wife's a Walmart type. Just the same this was fascinating.
3. Most LW readers are looking for the infidelity/adultery theme with the usual rising suspicion, discovery, denial, heartache, and eventual resolution. I'm really sick of it; this was an LW. They are what we want them to be.
And then you mentioned Bogart in a comment. Funny about that; for me it did evolve into his voice, and Lauren Bacall slipped right into Emma's role. No not good job here, a great job!
"We had it all, just like Bogie and Bacall..."
Five is all we can give.
Jedd Clampett+
Wow - excellent story
In terms of writing - probably a little too concise and abrupt with the transitions, but not really a problem. In terms of plot - wow. Tremendous character development in only two pages. The scene when he first met his daughter was very moving but so subtle I had to read it three times to understand who the rainbow skirt was and how she fit in. Five stars because they don't have six.
Home Run
In fact, an inside the park home run: Unusual and very exciting.
5 stars.
Simple to comment for once: simply BRILLIANT
Nuf said. Can't add to what I assume are 70+ very positive comments. Now I get the pleasure of reading Emma's tale. Thank you for submitting a real gem in the sewage treatment plant that LW has become lately.
Outstanding
I'm not too sure what else I can say.
i cant believe
Anyone made it through the first stupid page.
YGBSM
1
PS you forgot about them making it so realistic the chick is allowed to shoot her attacker.
TOPAZ....A CODE NAME
but as a color it does make for attractive eyes. TK U MLJ LV NV
Awesome 5*
So glad you decided to stop by and start writing here. You have a real talent!
your clean, spare style is most excellent, it makes re-reads even more rewarding. thanks!
I liked this.
But I would have enjoyed a
few more chapters with these
two characters. Well done.
A Quality Story in Literotica Deserves to be in Whatever the F**** Catagory the Author Deems Apropos
This is quality story albeit with some stretches of vagueries. I thank the author for sharing.
A brand new fan...already addicted!
I see my next "fix" is already here with Ch. 02. Very well done...top notch story...really like the way you write...and especially WHAT you write!
very VERY well done
I disagree with those wanting more.
This was an excellent stand alone.
We don't need to know what happened in Turkey, the very well written just enough background of hers let us know exactly what her mindset and ambition was.
As a father, I absolutely hated that he missed the child's first 5 years. This "takes a village" bullshit, is just that.. it doesn't take a fucking village, it takes a father!
and mother (unless of course there are legitimate reasons) but ambition is NOT a good excuse for such a selfish and deplorable negligence of telling the father and allowing him to be a father.
so much said with so few words
just enough.
re the Saturday v Sunday kerfuffle. Grandma was told, if she wanted to visit she had to call first, so she called every Saturday in order to be able to come over on Sunday. lol
Consider this a series Pilot
It introduces characters, establishes a storyline, and brings into existence a new universe with many tales to follow.
Enjoy. Just look at the stories submitted by the author and take your cue from the date submitted.
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Blue Topaz Eyes or
More submissions by Todd172.