Traditions Ch. 02

So, how pregnant is she now?

Shorts chapters!

I like the story, but the chapters are very short.
Is for that I only give you a 3*
Guess that she is on birth control, no?
Keep in mind to write longer chapters (2 or 3 pages at least)

Better But....

This is better than your first try, but still needs work. You sound forced. Slow it down some. Get a mentor/proofreader. Ten stories from now and you'll be "Good".

Quite an improvement

I like the higher quality just as much as the story progression, them deciding to be exclusive is just the best. Now just to see how they'll sneak around with the 'rents about.

5*

FYI, DON'T break between quoted dialogue and the introductory text.

This is just an FYI.

I crawled up onto her looked her in the eye and said,

"I'm going to fuck you now Mandy."

Uh, uh. They are technically considered part of the same sentence.

I crawled up onto her, looked her in the eye and said, "I'm going to fuck you now, Mandy."

The odd thing is that you get right when the dialogue comes first. The order doesn't matter.

Average

In part 1 Jim was presented as an «average» 18 year guy, but here he has got seven inches ....

Disappointing, at best!

Spelling, grammar, flow - they all require effort on your part. Good luck!

Redundancy

"...I woke up the next morning feeling like I had just had the best sleep of my life. I rolled over and saw that my sister Mandy was naked and in bed with me..."

Very first line. He's in bed, rolls over and sees his sister is in bed with him. Redundancy within the sentence gives the reader the subliminal idea the writer considers them too ignorant to understand that, "I awoke in the morning feeling as though I'd had the best sleep of my life. Beside me, Mandy's warm, naked body got my attention..." (or something like that). Allow the reader to figure some things out for themself.

Spend some time proof reading what you've written. Read it like a stranger, not an author. Read it aloud, noting the natural pauses and sentence construction. And for sure, use contractions-- that is how we speak, that's how we should write (note the contaction here and it's "real" wording).

Again, I'm not an editor, but please, use the services offered and listen to what they're telling you. If you don't want to use an editor, then by all means, please read and study the writer/editor articles offered by this site. Those authors know where-of they speak.

Now, don't give up writing just yet. But do keep your day job because even great writers need a cash flow.