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A Poem of Us

bydsoul©
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by Anonymous

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by YDD05/06/04

A Poem of Us

A simple readable poem from a fairly new voice.


A few suggestions,
"in" is not really needed in the second line,
and either "out" or "dark" is somewhat redundant in line 12.
"ile" is spelled with an "s".
You also might consider restructuring the line:
"Her king then you will be"
it breaks the reading flow as now written.
Finally do you think the last line might have more power if "a song" was "the song"?

Keep writing!

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by My Erotic Tail05/07/04

Soul weaver~

Nice word placement, I wouldn't change what you felt no more than I would tell you how to write this poem. Made me smile.

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by quietpoly05/07/04

I loved this one

I love it because it's a poem about hope. Every lover makes this promise. What a joy it is to see it articulated well.

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