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English
Fair rather than fantastic
I found this story to be descriptive of a situation rather than an involving tale where the reader feels with the characters. OK as a first submission, with promise of better things to come?
I'd like to see a bit more feeling expressed, especially as it's supposed to be a Romance story rather than just an Erotic Coupling.
The switch from first-person narrative to second person towards the end seemed to be a matter of the author forgetting to stay on track. Not good.
Lue
NOT TOO BAD!
Fairly good for a first story. In fact the plot worked good, but I agree with the other commentator about 1st and 2nd person, except I suggest sticking with 1st or 3rd person. Also you need to proof read better. Just for kicks I ran your story through spell check and it picked up a lot of sentence fragments (ones not part of dialogue).
Keep writing--you show talent.
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