by shaftmasters_morgan
Keep writing. Let the next part be about the two women and the demon having lesbian pregnant demon sex. Please read my own stories under SEX_VAMPYRE and tell me what you think.HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
Too many pronouns are used. Sometimes it is difficult to keep track of who you mean by "her". Otherwise very well written.
A little too sparing on descriptions. There's a demon, but what does he look like? What do the girls look like? It's hard to imagine with almost no descriptions at all. Also, you keep skipping back and forth between past and present tense, which is a little jarring. You need to pick one and stick with it. A good editor would help.