Agreed with first comment. Such a good idea turned to pure shit with poor execution. One star for the idea.
by
Anonymous10/11/16
Hooked on phonics
Great idea. But your writing needs some work to say the least
by
Anonymous10/11/16
Ditto
Add me to the growing list. Great idea, awful execution. You badly need an editor.
by
Anonymous10/11/16
Wtf
Who edited the good stuff out and left the skid marks
by
Anonymous10/11/16
The fact that MOST of your stories haven't even broken the 3.00 mark should tell you something. Either learn to write, or get an editor, or just stop writing.
by
Anonymous10/11/16
Score
I gave you a 1 simply because POINT 25 wasn't an option!!!
Either quit while you are ahead or find out what you are doing wrong and get "help" before you go any farther on your quest of being a writer as we have to suffer while you are trying!!! I am sure they are quite a few on here that would help you just by asking in a nice way.* Good luck.
by
Anonymous10/11/16
Ways this improves.
A) Get an editor. There were simple mistakes that took away from the story.
B) Flesh out your characters. Let their actions drive the plot. Right now its just a series of events happening to passive people.
I say keep going. Rewrite this one and tell us more about Mike why did he skip out on his girl. Tell us why the twins are always fighting? Tell us why they didn't care that he was sad but still wanted to bang him. Feel free to change things make them sympathetic at first but then go back to fighting. Also add more indepth descriptions. Consider looking to the writers you like and see how they structured their stories.
You can do it. Keep going!
by
Anonymous10/11/16
horrible
please stop writing.
by
Anonymous10/12/16
2
WTF? This isn't a story. It's just an assortment of words. Don't quit ESL.
English
Good idea, poor execution.
Agreed with first comment. Such a good idea turned to pure shit with poor execution. One star for the idea.
Hooked on phonics
Great idea. But your writing needs some work to say the least
Ditto
Add me to the growing list. Great idea, awful execution. You badly need an editor.
Wtf
Who edited the good stuff out and left the skid marks
The fact that MOST of your stories haven't even broken the 3.00 mark should tell you something. Either learn to write, or get an editor, or just stop writing.
Score
I gave you a 1 simply because POINT 25 wasn't an option!!!
Either ....
Either quit while you are ahead or find out what you are doing wrong and get "help" before you go any farther on your quest of being a writer as we have to suffer while you are trying!!! I am sure they are quite a few on here that would help you just by asking in a nice way.* Good luck.
Ways this improves.
A) Get an editor. There were simple mistakes that took away from the story.
B) Flesh out your characters. Let their actions drive the plot. Right now its just a series of events happening to passive people.
I say keep going. Rewrite this one and tell us more about Mike why did he skip out on his girl. Tell us why the twins are always fighting? Tell us why they didn't care that he was sad but still wanted to bang him. Feel free to change things make them sympathetic at first but then go back to fighting. Also add more indepth descriptions. Consider looking to the writers you like and see how they structured their stories.
You can do it. Keep going!
horrible
please stop writing.
2
WTF? This isn't a story. It's just an assortment of words. Don't quit ESL.
Absolute Rubbish
Written by a wanker
great concept, but no continuity
hope someone takes the ideas and builds a good story
Poorly written.
You need a proof read at the very least and editing would help as well. Missing words kill the flow of the story.
Thought you had something
By the description I was expecting something a bit longer. Feels like you rushed it near the end, I liked how it started. Keep at it
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