The dialogue could have been more natural and flowing but otherwise a good story.
by
Anonymous10/16/16
Learn to write
Your dialog is just plain wrong. You bounce between first and second person, your pronouns are mixed up and you have no clue as to how to write a story let alone erotica.
Your wife is a lesbian. But you fuck her. If a woman will fuck only women, and never men, she's a lesbian. If a woman will fuck women AND men (or even just other women and only ONE man), she's not a lesbian. She's bisexual. And you're an idiot.
And BOTH of their Visas were expiring, so they got married to one another to stay in the country? Do you have the slightest clue what the fuck you're writing about? (Already demonstrated you're an idiot, so I'll go ahead and spell this one out for you...) If a foreigner marries a US citizen, THEY get to stay in this country. If TWO foreigners marry EACH OTHER, they BOTH get kicked out. Dip shit.
I didn't get much further than that before I started skimming and then just skipped to the end because, frankly, reading this garbage is a form of punishment, and I've got better things to do with my time. Like, pretty much anything I do with my time other than read your shitty story is a better use of my time. Sharpening pencils is a better use of my time. Watching paint dry is a better use of my time. Get the idea?
by
Anonymous10/16/16
Watching my toe nails grow is a better use of my time than this garbage.
Anyone can tell this guy isn't an English speaker.
He does have a good concept.
He's just a little rushed to put something out.
Encourage him.
Tell him what's wrong, and suggest what he can do to fix it.
Bronerdude
Sit down, plan what you want to write, write it down, run it past an editor, then post it.
You might be surprised.
by
Anonymous10/17/16
Interesting start, where is this story set? Looking forward to the next chapter.
English
Unnatural language
The dialogue could have been more natural and flowing but otherwise a good story.
Learn to write
Your dialog is just plain wrong. You bounce between first and second person, your pronouns are mixed up and you have no clue as to how to write a story let alone erotica.
Keep reading - cease writing
My best advice...
So MANY fuck-ups right from the start!
Your wife is a lesbian. But you fuck her. If a woman will fuck only women, and never men, she's a lesbian. If a woman will fuck women AND men (or even just other women and only ONE man), she's not a lesbian. She's bisexual. And you're an idiot.
And BOTH of their Visas were expiring, so they got married to one another to stay in the country? Do you have the slightest clue what the fuck you're writing about? (Already demonstrated you're an idiot, so I'll go ahead and spell this one out for you...) If a foreigner marries a US citizen, THEY get to stay in this country. If TWO foreigners marry EACH OTHER, they BOTH get kicked out. Dip shit.
I didn't get much further than that before I started skimming and then just skipped to the end because, frankly, reading this garbage is a form of punishment, and I've got better things to do with my time. Like, pretty much anything I do with my time other than read your shitty story is a better use of my time. Sharpening pencils is a better use of my time. Watching paint dry is a better use of my time. Get the idea?
Watching my toe nails grow is a better use of my time than this garbage.
Come on people
Anyone can tell this guy isn't an English speaker.
He does have a good concept.
He's just a little rushed to put something out.
Encourage him.
Tell him what's wrong, and suggest what he can do to fix it.
Bronerdude
Sit down, plan what you want to write, write it down, run it past an editor, then post it.
You might be surprised.
Interesting start, where is this story set? Looking forward to the next chapter.
hope you know
your story is utter crap. read what others have commented and stop writting.
What a damn piece of crap!!!
This is the worst piece of damn crap I've ever read!!!! Garbage!!!!
incomplete crap
the way you killed the stewardess was dumb and incomplete, There are many other instances in this story that go absolutely no where. Crap
PLEASE
Please, no more. Ever!
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to The Trip Ch. 01 or
More submissions by BronerDude.