Kalina's Dark Desire

Visceral heat

There is a compelling, visceral heat to this scene that bursts through the grammatical issues and strange sentence structures, such that I overlook the problems and get some sense of your dynamic. I've read your "request for feedback thread" so that gives me a little bit of extra background. I don't know the Dom/Submissive scene at all, but I do get some sense of the power play and your roller coaster reaction.

The continuity of the action comes and goes, and it's hard to keep up with it in some places, but the descriptions of your dripping cunt and pulsing nipples are seriously hot. Your writing is all over the place but I don't really care about that, not when I see your intensity.

In terms of the shifting tense, I think in this case you could go through and lock it down - present tense or past tense, one or the other, but not both. Also, in one place you specifically address "you" when referring to Michael - that's you the author slipping past you the narrator, I think.

It's not a story though, more a collection of scenes. It's like reading a diary. But there's an emotional distance to it - if you are writing as therapy, perhaps that makes sense and I get that. But as I read I kept wanting to see inside your head, like a voyeur or a vampire, but I couldn't. There are tiny tiny glimmers of a person coming through, but then "you" dart away. But it's a fascinating piece. As I say, I want it to be "better", but then I get compelled to write all of this, so something must have "worked". I don't know what though. I gave it a five.

I don't think I'll ever understand the scene. I suspect I'm probably the complete opposite - read some of mine, let me know!