Very nice story and so enjoyable reading all the way through
That author did very well in this story!
This story is very creative, well written, great context and full of passion.
This story is very enjoyable and worth reading all the way through.
Congrats to the author.....well done!
3 stars and only because you are open to suggestions and even criticism.
This is a redux with the same tired trope, clueless but well intentioned husband is ditched for a con artist and immediately finds true love with a hotter, smarter, faithful woman. Don't make me puke. How many middle aged men find love that easily? Please show me this because the divorced men I know are broken, tired and fucked over by their ex wives, the lawyers, the courts and damn near everyone else.
Your timeline doesn't make sense, even the fastest divorce takes time, 6 months to a year at least. And as a woman approaches 40, having a child is dangerous, the risk of Down Syndrome increases, not to mention turning 60 as your child graduates high school. Parenting is a young persons job.
Then there is the whole host of coincidences. One or two? Sure. But everything that happened required one coincidence after another and that steals from your story.
Then there was the abusive relationship illustrated by his former neighbours, the quickie marriage, the YELLING on the phone, the speed in which the FBI investigated AND charged AND went to trial. A case like this would take years to work through the court system, not months.
All in all, a great first effort but you tried to hard to make the ex wife pay.
I read it all and enjoyed it very much. Now, for your second story, look at the top writers around here. See who they use for editors. Pick one and email them if you can find a username. Ask them to read this story. See if they'd help you next time around. Keep looking until you find a good one. You write good sentences, have a gift for story telling and very rudimentary punctuation and grammar skills.
For example: On this page, the first line has a malformed ellipsis. It's always three dots. Second line should have a comma after "Brown." Third and fourth lines, the ellipsis is wrong, again, and "He" should not be capitalized. Third paragraph has five mistakes. It's annoying as hell and makes it very hard to read. Find that editor and you'll be good. Three stars for a good story. It could have been four plus.
JUSTICE. Yes, it is a theme written many times. Done right, it gives the reader a tremendous sense of satisfaction. The tables turned on the cheating spouse "trading up" is always a wonderful thing. LSD suggested for you to read "Papatoad." Great idea as this tale reflects many of his tales. To find him just check my favorite authors as he is one of three. Continue the great work and don't let any idiotic criticism change your resolve.
...about alimony. I've only just started reading but got stuck at the point where the wife said she wouldn't fight for alimony. Certainly laws vary, but if she makes more money than him then there's no way she'd get alimony even if she wanted it, and in fact he could probably get it from her.
Not a bad first effort, but I would make one suggestion and it comes down to one word: contractions. There was too much formality in the dialogue (something I am sometimes guilty of myself). People don't speak the way they write, so using 'they are' during narration isnfine, but in dialogue use 'they're'. There are exceptions depending on the character, but a construction worker from The Bronx would certainly use them.
Nice job. Couple of minor things that unsettled my reading. First, the divorce arrangements were way off. Unless, perhaps, she was trying to bluster her way through using his weak and beaten down demeanor against common sense. I also highly doubt there are truly any 5 bedroom houses that can be purchased for $180,000 outright.
I apreciate the comeuppance storyline. Would have liked to see a little more crow eaten by the ex, family and circle of friends. However, revenge is best served through a life well lived.
You did well for your first effort. Dialogue is not fitting for a construction worker from anywhere. Think about verb tense: "was sat"? Really? Try was sitting instead. The use of "was sat" makes you sound British. All in all, a good story about revenge is best served by living well.
But no lawyer would ever put an ex-husband (or any character witness) on the stand without thoroughly vetting them first in a pre-trial interview. Never. So they would have known how he felt and would not have put him on the stand.
You might want to consider removing the "British" versions of English. Reset your computer to "English (U.S.) and pay attention to the annoying little red squiggles and highlighted words. Other than that, good effort; particularly so for a first attempt. Ignore the people who say construction workers do not speak in such a manner, by the by. I run a warehouse by profession and choice. I also have 2 university degrees, and I actually AM one of those U.S. Army Ranger snipers in my previous life. To those who chafe at "construction workers do not speak so", this author did not explain in great detail the previous life of his protagonist. We ASSUME the ex-wife was college educated, but it was never openly stated as such. I liked the story. If anything, perhaps your next offering could show a bit more of the "back story" of the characters to explain how they got to be in the situation they are at the time of your story's setting.
Few grammar problems but that comes as you write more, which I, and obviously others hope you will. I really though he was going to forgive and go soft on her in the court at the end. (That's how I would probably have written it). Forgiveness is indeed the best form of recovery. Anyway it was your story and your end so good luck to you. (5 stars to encourage you to do more)
I enjoyed your submission very much , thank you for sharing.
So far you've gotten some very good advice ( with the exception of wackadoodle , but we never expect much from him ).
My advice is this; always put a token sex scene in any LW story. As crazy as it sounds , people don't have to be married in loving WIVES , but they do have to have a descriptive screw ! Go figure .
I would also suggest that you read a Tx Tale Tales post called ' Love your readers : categories ' , it does as good of a job at describing the differences in the Lit categories as anything else I've ever read.
His testimony seemed too much aimed at revenge on the ex
He could have used his new superior position to make her ashamed by showing grace - and thus a strong character. If he would have refrained from dealing blows at his ex when she was already defeated, it would have shown her & her family what a really good husband she left behind to marry a con artist. He had found real luck and was on a superior moral position anyway, so it would have been easy for him to say a few good things about his ex.
A good first effort, keep on writing! 4*
Way to go writing person (male or female) lol. Well paced story and very enjoyable writing style. You have an excellent economy of words in your story, non wasted or misplaced and Just the right balance of dialogue. BTW if you see WACC in reviews it is our tag for Wimp Ass Castrated Cuckold stories ( not favoured too much in LW). Thanks for sharing see you next time round
I do know that an expensive, top notch legal team would never put a witness on the stand before they knew how he would answer the questions. Calling the shit-upon ex-husband as a character reference is a stretch, but if it happened, the lawyers would have interviewed him long and hard to be sure his response would be what they were expecting. "Never ask a question for which you don't already know the answer" is taught in Barrister 101. This made the court room scene pretty lame at best.
The next thing I have noticed in this story, and many others, is they exist in some country similar to the United States and a bit like England, or Australia. The laws, cultures, and words are a combination of two or more distinct nations. No one gets a cheque (which shows up as a misspelled word with no suggestion as to what I am trying to spell) in the US. I have seen stories where the guy goes to a car park, looks in the boot, pulls out his firearm and goes postal in Kansas. It doesn't work that way. In Kansas, he parks in the parking lot, opens the trunk, yanks out his hogleg and shoots the shit out of the post office, or whatever. My point is that when you mix laws and cultures, it sticks out like a sore thumb. I have no trouble reading stories set in England, Australia, Canada, or New Zealand. But we sometimes get stories that are set in AmerEngAusCanZeal and that can reduce the feeling of reality in a story, at least for me
Good story with a different twist. The details about the courtroom lacked credibility
No defendant that can afford a high power legal team wears a jump suit at a trial A good attorney never asks a question they don't know the answer to so that takes away the credibility of the story
Keep at it will look forward to reading more from you
I agree with Harddaysknight as far as mixing American and British, or Australian styles of "English". I really enjoyed your story, and my score reflects that. I am not an author, and will never consider becoming one, but my only suggestion is that in future stories, base them in your native country. Hell, we have mean people all around the world!
Using a criminal trial to show the abusive spouse and in-laws the error of their ways needs a lot more development, having a passive protagonist that good things just happen to is weak.
I did have a few issues, everything seemed to move so fast, too fast. I would think after going through some fuckery like this, one wouldn't jump into another relationship within weeks/months. I just didn't see it happening--especially the way this whore ripped his heart out. I did not care for the pity party.. The bitch wasn't worth it. My favorite part of the story was the court scene, I loved it. I have no idea why her attorneys would think the ex husband her and her family fuck'd over would help the braindead slut? Anyway not bad. It wasn't BTB but it wasn't a RAAC.. Thank god..
For an opera prima it is quite decent. The court scene is really original and your hero looks believable. Maybe next time you need to write more pages describing the action, it seems a bot rushed.
I would have loved a face-to-face meeting with the ex in jail, but your idea was much more original.
5 stars snd I included it in my favourites so I can follow your work
Keep going, you are very talented
Not a bad tale. Couple of items from my perspective:
- the pace was inconsistent. Some parts felt slow, others rushed
- Emotionally dull at points while others were over the top
Still, a great "first". Looking forward to more.
for their comments so far. Many of you picked up on the fact I am English so forgive me for the errors. Lesson learnt. Some of you have recommended authors to me and I will definitely be reading their work. I will also look for an editor in future. Also I have no legal background so I will research that if I ever submit again. Many thanks.
A very good first story. I had fun reading it. It was well written. I'm sure someone will criticize your work, but you will quickly notice that unfortunately there are many anonymous readers of Literotica who love to denigrate and at times even insult the work of others. So, ignore those and keep writing. I gave you a 5. Thanks for the story.
Don't worry about using GB English, this is the correct version. The argument about 'US English' being the only right way is so Trump. I'd advise maybe to make it clear that you are British and using British scenarios. Likewise property values - actually in certain parts of the UK it is feasible to buy a 5-bed for under £200K but it's obviously not going to be very posh.
I think it needs a twist - and not a bit of lemon. Some kind of insight, some kind of change to take it out of the ordinary set of tropes and makes the reader go "oh, yeah...".
Going not so heavy on the ex might have done it - "not until she got involved with 'Rich' did I notice any change away from what I expected, but by then I was shoved out the door" might have worked. The courtroom revenge scene has a "tell on you to daddy" flavor, I'd go another route in the future.
Do keep writing. And, if you have an environment you know better than most, then use it. Regional stories work just fine - even Winterfrog, with all of his regionalisms does quite well.
YMMV
Green-something
(the "Sorry, I love you" thing at the end had an off taste of wish-fulfillment... if you want to sell it, you need some kind of indication of regret before. That opens up a section from her POV, which is probably outside of what you should have attempted. Humm... if it were me, I suppose some no speaking hang up phone calls before the end might give enough foreshadowing for it to work, but that is just a guess.)
His signature has to be witnessed and notarized, so he can fight this. As someone else said, not only is she NOT entitled to alimony, so no big whoop that she’s not going for it, but as the bigger earner she probably owes HIM alimony. And it doesn’t matter who paid, as we’ve seen many times, no-fault divorce, community property, he gets 50-50 of everything!
He’s not the “man he was?” Who made him that way?
How could her family even THINK that he would testify on her behalf? Even before he let himself go her family treated him like dirt, she cheated on him, and he was NOT treated well in the divorce!
I've read the comments. 44 of them. Pretty encouraging on the whole, and with some helpful suggestions. Here's the 45th:-
It reads like an eighteenth century English novel. Everything is extreme. He is magnificent but becomes a slob. At the end he's back to his best.
She is everything he desires in a woman, but becomes totally evil.
His life turns round instantly and totally (a wife and three kids in 11 months!)
The unfaithful wife is not just humbled, she is completely destroyed.
A bit of light and shade would help. I do hope you'll write more.
and a good take on the "we need to talk" aspect.
Glad hubby got his vindication in the in. The only thing I had a problem with is the reference to this happening in New York state, obviously, but the spelling and vernacular, ("mum" "defence" ) is English or Aussie. 4 *'s
That is most definitely the BEST way to B T B! His even better life after the B%&*H deserve a very big THANK YOU to her! Sounded like her parents got a little of the BURN, too!
The 5* rating is a gimme for a good first effort.
You have some of the basics down. Now look at the top authors here, read their works and pick an editor (you might be able to get one of theirs).
As others have pointed out, your grammar is passable but needs improvement. Think through the entire story including time lines ( you didn't have to use explicit time lines) as your time lines didn't make sense and if something doesn't make sense it detracts from the story.
Looking forward to seeing more of your work.
If you were wondering what I see this story rated as if it weren't your first - 3*.
Keep your head down and powder dry. Good luck.
If this story had taken place over the course of two years or so, that would have been much more believable. And as others have pointed out, the ex's attorneys were fools not to anticipate the testimony they got from him. It isn't a question of revenge or "going soft," either; he's testifying under oath and he has to tell the truth as he sees it. Besides, his new wife told him to "just be honest," didn't she?
One question: why complicate the challenge of your first story by setting it in a country other than your own?
English
Very nice story and so enjoyable reading all the way through
That author did very well in this story!
This story is very creative, well written, great context and full of passion.
This story is very enjoyable and worth reading all the way through.
Congrats to the author.....well done!
Good premise taken way over the top
Before you write another story read everyone of PapaToad's body of work. Please.
3 stars and only because you are open to suggestions and even criticism.
This is a redux with the same tired trope, clueless but well intentioned husband is ditched for a con artist and immediately finds true love with a hotter, smarter, faithful woman. Don't make me puke. How many middle aged men find love that easily? Please show me this because the divorced men I know are broken, tired and fucked over by their ex wives, the lawyers, the courts and damn near everyone else.
Your timeline doesn't make sense, even the fastest divorce takes time, 6 months to a year at least. And as a woman approaches 40, having a child is dangerous, the risk of Down Syndrome increases, not to mention turning 60 as your child graduates high school. Parenting is a young persons job.
Then there is the whole host of coincidences. One or two? Sure. But everything that happened required one coincidence after another and that steals from your story.
Then there was the abusive relationship illustrated by his former neighbours, the quickie marriage, the YELLING on the phone, the speed in which the FBI investigated AND charged AND went to trial. A case like this would take years to work through the court system, not months.
All in all, a great first effort but you tried to hard to make the ex wife pay.
Very nice first story
I read it all and enjoyed it very much. Now, for your second story, look at the top writers around here. See who they use for editors. Pick one and email them if you can find a username. Ask them to read this story. See if they'd help you next time around. Keep looking until you find a good one. You write good sentences, have a gift for story telling and very rudimentary punctuation and grammar skills.
For example: On this page, the first line has a malformed ellipsis. It's always three dots. Second line should have a comma after "Brown." Third and fourth lines, the ellipsis is wrong, again, and "He" should not be capitalized. Third paragraph has five mistakes. It's annoying as hell and makes it very hard to read. Find that editor and you'll be good. Three stars for a good story. It could have been four plus.
Loved it
Great easy short story with a welcome kick in the slats to a snob cheating wife. Do some more this line has dwindled over the last few months.
Excellent
JUSTICE. Yes, it is a theme written many times. Done right, it gives the reader a tremendous sense of satisfaction. The tables turned on the cheating spouse "trading up" is always a wonderful thing. LSD suggested for you to read "Papatoad." Great idea as this tale reflects many of his tales. To find him just check my favorite authors as he is one of three. Continue the great work and don't let any idiotic criticism change your resolve.
Five Stars
A quick note...
...about alimony. I've only just started reading but got stuck at the point where the wife said she wouldn't fight for alimony. Certainly laws vary, but if she makes more money than him then there's no way she'd get alimony even if she wanted it, and in fact he could probably get it from her.
Okay, now I'm done.
Not a bad first effort, but I would make one suggestion and it comes down to one word: contractions. There was too much formality in the dialogue (something I am sometimes guilty of myself). People don't speak the way they write, so using 'they are' during narration isnfine, but in dialogue use 'they're'. There are exceptions depending on the character, but a construction worker from The Bronx would certainly use them.
WHEN PEOPLE REMEMBER WHO THEY REALLY ARE
the changes are enormous and profitable. TK U MLJ LV NV
Nice job. Couple of minor things that unsettled my reading. First, the divorce arrangements were way off. Unless, perhaps, she was trying to bluster her way through using his weak and beaten down demeanor against common sense. I also highly doubt there are truly any 5 bedroom houses that can be purchased for $180,000 outright.
I apreciate the comeuppance storyline. Would have liked to see a little more crow eaten by the ex, family and circle of friends. However, revenge is best served through a life well lived.
Nice first story
You did well for your first effort. Dialogue is not fitting for a construction worker from anywhere. Think about verb tense: "was sat"? Really? Try was sitting instead. The use of "was sat" makes you sound British. All in all, a good story about revenge is best served by living well.
Nice job
But no lawyer would ever put an ex-husband (or any character witness) on the stand without thoroughly vetting them first in a pre-trial interview. Never. So they would have known how he felt and would not have put him on the stand.
No Wimps Here!
I like that in a new writer. Story was a good read, and I always enjoy "Living well is the best revenge" theme.
Good Story
Behind every great man is a great woman, and behind every harried, stressed out man is a cunt.
If your story is set in the States...
You might want to consider removing the "British" versions of English. Reset your computer to "English (U.S.) and pay attention to the annoying little red squiggles and highlighted words. Other than that, good effort; particularly so for a first attempt. Ignore the people who say construction workers do not speak in such a manner, by the by. I run a warehouse by profession and choice. I also have 2 university degrees, and I actually AM one of those U.S. Army Ranger snipers in my previous life. To those who chafe at "construction workers do not speak so", this author did not explain in great detail the previous life of his protagonist. We ASSUME the ex-wife was college educated, but it was never openly stated as such. I liked the story. If anything, perhaps your next offering could show a bit more of the "back story" of the characters to explain how they got to be in the situation they are at the time of your story's setting.
Good story
Few grammar problems but that comes as you write more, which I, and obviously others hope you will. I really though he was going to forgive and go soft on her in the court at the end. (That's how I would probably have written it). Forgiveness is indeed the best form of recovery. Anyway it was your story and your end so good luck to you. (5 stars to encourage you to do more)
Enjoyed the story. Hope you keep writing.
Very good first story
I enjoyed your submission very much , thank you for sharing.
So far you've gotten some very good advice ( with the exception of wackadoodle , but we never expect much from him ).
My advice is this; always put a token sex scene in any LW story. As crazy as it sounds , people don't have to be married in loving WIVES , but they do have to have a descriptive screw ! Go figure .
I would also suggest that you read a Tx Tale Tales post called ' Love your readers : categories ' , it does as good of a job at describing the differences in the Lit categories as anything else I've ever read.
Damn typos
That is Tx Tall Tales , oops !
His testimony seemed too much aimed at revenge on the ex
He could have used his new superior position to make her ashamed by showing grace - and thus a strong character. If he would have refrained from dealing blows at his ex when she was already defeated, it would have shown her & her family what a really good husband she left behind to marry a con artist. He had found real luck and was on a superior moral position anyway, so it would have been easy for him to say a few good things about his ex.
A good first effort, keep on writing! 4*
Amazing first story in LW!
Way to go writing person (male or female) lol. Well paced story and very enjoyable writing style. You have an excellent economy of words in your story, non wasted or misplaced and Just the right balance of dialogue. BTW if you see WACC in reviews it is our tag for Wimp Ass Castrated Cuckold stories ( not favoured too much in LW). Thanks for sharing see you next time round
I don't know much, but
I do know that an expensive, top notch legal team would never put a witness on the stand before they knew how he would answer the questions. Calling the shit-upon ex-husband as a character reference is a stretch, but if it happened, the lawyers would have interviewed him long and hard to be sure his response would be what they were expecting. "Never ask a question for which you don't already know the answer" is taught in Barrister 101. This made the court room scene pretty lame at best.
The next thing I have noticed in this story, and many others, is they exist in some country similar to the United States and a bit like England, or Australia. The laws, cultures, and words are a combination of two or more distinct nations. No one gets a cheque (which shows up as a misspelled word with no suggestion as to what I am trying to spell) in the US. I have seen stories where the guy goes to a car park, looks in the boot, pulls out his firearm and goes postal in Kansas. It doesn't work that way. In Kansas, he parks in the parking lot, opens the trunk, yanks out his hogleg and shoots the shit out of the post office, or whatever. My point is that when you mix laws and cultures, it sticks out like a sore thumb. I have no trouble reading stories set in England, Australia, Canada, or New Zealand. But we sometimes get stories that are set in AmerEngAusCanZeal and that can reduce the feeling of reality in a story, at least for me
Feedback
Good story with a different twist. The details about the courtroom lacked credibility
No defendant that can afford a high power legal team wears a jump suit at a trial A good attorney never asks a question they don't know the answer to so that takes away the credibility of the story
Keep at it will look forward to reading more from you
I enjoyed the story
I agree with Harddaysknight as far as mixing American and British, or Australian styles of "English". I really enjoyed your story, and my score reflects that. I am not an author, and will never consider becoming one, but my only suggestion is that in future stories, base them in your native country. Hell, we have mean people all around the world!
OK
I liked it. Well written. Keep writing stories here.
Nice First
but take the constructive criticism to heart.
Using a criminal trial to show the abusive spouse and in-laws the error of their ways needs a lot more development, having a passive protagonist that good things just happen to is weak.
Not bad
I did have a few issues, everything seemed to move so fast, too fast. I would think after going through some fuckery like this, one wouldn't jump into another relationship within weeks/months. I just didn't see it happening--especially the way this whore ripped his heart out. I did not care for the pity party.. The bitch wasn't worth it. My favorite part of the story was the court scene, I loved it. I have no idea why her attorneys would think the ex husband her and her family fuck'd over would help the braindead slut? Anyway not bad. It wasn't BTB but it wasn't a RAAC.. Thank god..
Good job
For an opera prima it is quite decent. The court scene is really original and your hero looks believable. Maybe next time you need to write more pages describing the action, it seems a bot rushed.
I would have loved a face-to-face meeting with the ex in jail, but your idea was much more original.
5 stars snd I included it in my favourites so I can follow your work
Keep going, you are very talented
Love it, but even a stupid lawyer wouldnt put him on the stand. But for the story it worked well.
****
Not a bad tale. Couple of items from my perspective:
- the pace was inconsistent. Some parts felt slow, others rushed
- Emotionally dull at points while others were over the top
Still, a great "first". Looking forward to more.
awsome!
i guess the truth does hurt
Thanks to everyone
for their comments so far. Many of you picked up on the fact I am English so forgive me for the errors. Lesson learnt. Some of you have recommended authors to me and I will definitely be reading their work. I will also look for an editor in future. Also I have no legal background so I will research that if I ever submit again. Many thanks.
They only told you were English because you spell properly! 5* story, by the way
This was an interesting story and very well told.
I'll keep an eye out for your stories in the future.
Karma never fails
What goes around comes around. Great, tight storyline. Excellent read. Please write more.xoxoxoxo Annette
A very good first story
A very good first story. I had fun reading it. It was well written. I'm sure someone will criticize your work, but you will quickly notice that unfortunately there are many anonymous readers of Literotica who love to denigrate and at times even insult the work of others. So, ignore those and keep writing. I gave you a 5. Thanks for the story.
looking for more
Really nice story. Five stars for sure.
I am going to read more of your work.
Don't worry
Don't worry about using GB English, this is the correct version. The argument about 'US English' being the only right way is so Trump. I'd advise maybe to make it clear that you are British and using British scenarios. Likewise property values - actually in certain parts of the UK it is feasible to buy a 5-bed for under £200K but it's obviously not going to be very posh.
Crack on!
Very enjoyable first offering
This is what I would call a pleasant fantasy BTB. No need to hide the body or purchase thumbscrews!
Welcome to writing.
A well written story, easy to follow and very enjoyable to read.
Not a bad first effort,
though the plot was on rails.
I think it needs a twist - and not a bit of lemon. Some kind of insight, some kind of change to take it out of the ordinary set of tropes and makes the reader go "oh, yeah...".
Going not so heavy on the ex might have done it - "not until she got involved with 'Rich' did I notice any change away from what I expected, but by then I was shoved out the door" might have worked. The courtroom revenge scene has a "tell on you to daddy" flavor, I'd go another route in the future.
Do keep writing. And, if you have an environment you know better than most, then use it. Regional stories work just fine - even Winterfrog, with all of his regionalisms does quite well.
YMMV
Green-something
(the "Sorry, I love you" thing at the end had an off taste of wish-fulfillment... if you want to sell it, you need some kind of indication of regret before. That opens up a section from her POV, which is probably outside of what you should have attempted. Humm... if it were me, I suppose some no speaking hang up phone calls before the end might give enough foreshadowing for it to work, but that is just a guess.)
Thoughts
His signature has to be witnessed and notarized, so he can fight this. As someone else said, not only is she NOT entitled to alimony, so no big whoop that she’s not going for it, but as the bigger earner she probably owes HIM alimony. And it doesn’t matter who paid, as we’ve seen many times, no-fault divorce, community property, he gets 50-50 of everything!
He’s not the “man he was?” Who made him that way?
How could her family even THINK that he would testify on her behalf? Even before he let himself go her family treated him like dirt, she cheated on him, and he was NOT treated well in the divorce!
Additional Thought
I disagree with @SKHP – why should he LIE for her? To show that he’s “the better man?” ROFL!
Congratulations
Very good efford, timing, and a fair end.
I've read the story
I've read the comments. 44 of them. Pretty encouraging on the whole, and with some helpful suggestions. Here's the 45th:-
It reads like an eighteenth century English novel. Everything is extreme. He is magnificent but becomes a slob. At the end he's back to his best.
She is everything he desires in a woman, but becomes totally evil.
His life turns round instantly and totally (a wife and three kids in 11 months!)
The unfaithful wife is not just humbled, she is completely destroyed.
A bit of light and shade would help. I do hope you'll write more.
Great first submission
This was a great first submission. I look forward to your next story.
Good first story...
and a good take on the "we need to talk" aspect.
Glad hubby got his vindication in the in. The only thing I had a problem with is the reference to this happening in New York state, obviously, but the spelling and vernacular, ("mum" "defence" ) is English or Aussie. 4 *'s
VERY GOOD!! An Excellent tale!
That is most definitely the BEST way to B T B! His even better life after the B%&*H deserve a very big THANK YOU to her! Sounded like her parents got a little of the BURN, too!
For a decent first effort 5*
The 5* rating is a gimme for a good first effort.
You have some of the basics down. Now look at the top authors here, read their works and pick an editor (you might be able to get one of theirs).
As others have pointed out, your grammar is passable but needs improvement. Think through the entire story including time lines ( you didn't have to use explicit time lines) as your time lines didn't make sense and if something doesn't make sense it detracts from the story.
Looking forward to seeing more of your work.
If you were wondering what I see this story rated as if it weren't your first - 3*.
Keep your head down and powder dry. Good luck.
Time definitely compressed
If this story had taken place over the course of two years or so, that would have been much more believable. And as others have pointed out, the ex's attorneys were fools not to anticipate the testimony they got from him. It isn't a question of revenge or "going soft," either; he's testifying under oath and he has to tell the truth as he sees it. Besides, his new wife told him to "just be honest," didn't she?
One question: why complicate the challenge of your first story by setting it in a country other than your own?
A decent first effort
Although a little over the top in places. 4*
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