A Welcome Return

Rarely say this ...

This story was too short! Or tried to cram in too many things. We-The-Readers had no introduction to Sweetie1 ... the first words WTRs hear are, basically, her going away! Hitting bottom was too fast and we don't know Hubby well enough to 'grok' his pain. Then, his 'U-turn' was even faster. His 'office-job' was dramatically short-chsnged in trying to get into his thought-processes. Lkewise his gym and weight-loss experiences.

The defense attorney is simply UNbelievable ... both in the recruitment phase AND in the courtroom segments. Finally, Sweetie1 has NO reason to be re-considering her respect for him, let alone falling in love again.

3- stars!

Very Entertaining Story****

No violence no crazy sex just some good story telling Thanks for sharing.

well presented point of view

It was good that he was able to recover and find himself.

My only suggestion is that you find where and who you are. It never works trying to be someone other than yourself. Just like the character in your story, return to your own heritage. The spelling and language used do not match the setting of the story. When "Mr Greene" tried to be someone else he discovered it didn't work. The same can be said of a writer who attempts to place a story in a country not his own.
If you are in the U.K., Canada, Australia, or some other "English" speaking location, use that for the setting of your story. Forget about trying to be what your in-laws think is right. Don't write as if, write from within.

Too short

I agree with some of the other comments that this is too short, too condensed. Need to break into 2 or 3 chapters and allow events and characters to develope.
Court scene much too contrived. No Lawyer/barrister puts up a witness unless they are pretty damned sure they know what they are going to say beforehand! They dont like surprises!
Otherwise not a bad first effort.

I can agree about being to short, but it's a very good read...

I can agree about being to short, but it's a very good read...Life took in its hands the burning of a bitch and her bithchy family, and that happens more times than we think. I don't agree with @ColinB when he says: "No Lawyer/barrister puts up a witness unless they are pretty damned sure they know what they are going to say beforehand"! That is an impossible task (I know because my father was a lawyer). The legal team can instruct a witness for days and weeks, and when in court for a lot of different reasons (jitters, having his own hidden agenda, and so on...) he can fail and destroy all the defense (or accusation) plans...Returning to this story, 4* and keep writing

Great first effort

The story reads well.

I can really appreciate how living with someone who is toxic can grind you down and make you less than you are, I like that HE decided to pull himself out of the gutter. Yes, he had the help of some terrific women but HE is the one that said ENOUGH and started to change.

I agree with HDK that the high priced legal team's failure to depose him, which the "revenge" in the story hinges on, borders on magical. It is an unbelievable plot device put in simply because the story requires it. Stay away from this kind of manipulation. Another type of manipulation would be where a character goes through an illness and magically comes out the other side and none of the story line that happened before the illness seems to matter. Such transformations are possible but rare and they need to be written VERY carefully. Most writers cannot do it well.

I agree that blending cultural references should be avoided. Stick with the cultural reference you know. Most readers know that a "boot" means a trunk of a car. If it's a less common reference you can add a little aside, "that's a trunk to you yanks". This can also apply to areas of expertise. If you don't understand technology, don't try to write about a complex tech issue. You will probably screw it up and annoy your readers (or put it under science fiction). If you must write about things outside your knowledge, find someone to review your concept that KNOWS what they are talking about. Do it before you waste your time writing a story based on incorrect information.

I don't think he was seeking revenge when he testified. His ex was a gold digging cheater. All he did was tell the truth, that she was a deceptive and unfaithful person. It's too bad the truth was so problematic for her but HE didn't seek her out to damage her. It was a command performance, like she commanded that he work at a place he hated. The problem was, he was no longer under her thrall. He was even honest about being bitter, he used to be but now it was in the past. He was in a far better place than with his ex. As to her actions over the past year, "I have no idea what type of person she has been over the last year. Well, I think we can take a guess", was about the only time he took an unsubstantiated dig against her with his "guess". Over all, he did exactly what a witness is supposed to do, give factual testimony. Why should he lie? If she doesn't like being described as a nasty, gold digging, cheater, maybe she shouldn't have been one.

Again, nice job.

Nice one...

Keep gong !!

Language

To paraphrase Churchill, " We are two countries separated by a common language." The setting is in New York, so it is a bit "off-putting" In the U. S. a mum is a flower and a mom is a mother. "Here I am 'sat'...." is another case in point. We in the U.S. would say, "Here I sit ...". There is sit sitting sat and seated. I'm attempting to help you to use language approapriate to story location.
...

Love it thanks

Very good first effort. Although, the story develops too compressed in time, and somehow over the top; it still is a very good first effort. Keep trying. Thanks.

Good job

A very nice first effort. The story line was well thought out, and it didn't turn out to be a serious BTB story. Personally, I'm in favor of "just desserts".

Character witnesses

It really shouldn't take much lawyerly wisdom to realize that a person who asks why he should be willing to testify and has to be threatened with a subpoena and a possible contempt charge to get him to appear in court will not be a good choice for a "character witness."

Great story

My only critique is during the trial you have the defendent Jessica at her trial in an orange jump suit. Considering she has wealthy parents and a team of lawyers, they would never allow her to been seen by the jury "looking gulity" by her being dressed in a jail house issue jumpsuit due to the optics. They would have provided her with professional clothes and grooming as well as coached her regarding her appearance and demeanor while in the jury's presence. She would also have been made aware and prepared for her ex-husband's appearance in court. Given her attitude and lack of respect for him it was probably her idea to have him appear, though unaware that he would have regained his self-confidence and swagger back and that it would backfire on her. I really enjoyed reading it.

I liked it.

The good prevailed and the cheaters were punished.
All ends well.

A Liettle Harsh

I agree with the comment on the orange prisoner's attire. I don't believe the defendant at a trial is demeaned that way. Don't forget: "innocent until proven guilty".

We should also consider that our hero did not protect himself during his marriage to Jessica. She did "marry down" and he should have worked hard to keep up his end. He should have stuck to what he did well: construction. He could have done with Jessica the same thing he did later with Rachel: start a personal construction and handyman business which apparently is what Rich did although he had the illegal side of the business also. My impression of Jessica is that she was willing to marry the man she loved although her parents looked down at him. He is the one who let himself go to pot and almost forced Jessica to find someone else. If he had taken care of himself and been as assertive with her as her was later with Rachel, Jessica would have stayed happily with him. She did stay for 12 years apparently.

I did not think Green was much of a hero at the trial. He was partly to blame for the breakup with Jessica and then he didn't give her the benefit of the 12 happy years (or at least most of them were) he did have. Since he was now in a happy relationship with Rachel he could have been more generous in his remarks about the honesty and loyalty Jessica had shown and acknowledged his complicity in his personal downfall and her loyalty for all their years together. He gets very low grades as a person in my book and I do think Jessica deserves better than she got from him. I did give the author 3*, although that may have been a little generous.

No sex

= 1 star

Well done!!!

Nicely written story. An excellent start, hoping to see more from you. 5*

Dam that was good

Thanks for the entertaining story. 5 stars

Enjoyed

Enjoyed your first effort, well written, and well plotted, Keep it up.

Well done!

Good story, interesting and well organized. Pace was very good, you took time to develop the points without dragging or rushing. For your first effort, excellent! Please continue to write!

Wasn't worth more than 1 star.

This was a 3 - 4 star story until the court part. No lawyer would have an ex-husband come to the stand to vouch for the defendant unless they interviewed him first. They would have to make sure that he would not say anything bad.

The lawyer was also an idiot. There is no way a person who asks these types of questions in court would have been allowed to become a lawyer.

Classic plot

A very good first effort, using a standard plot. The execution of the story is fine, and the also well that ends well ending was satisfying. Stories like this are wish fulfillment, pure and simple. The sad reality is that people who are self-centered and selfish rarely see themselves as bad people no matter what they do, so expecting true remorse from a heartless ex is not what real life usually offers us. No matter, it was a fun read.

Reasonably good BTB tale

Pacing is about right and dialogue isn't bad. HDK had some significant and specific comments which are valid; I have no critique to add to what he said. Entertaining read.

a special kind of stupid

What competent attorney would want a hostile character witness for their client?
When the only way they show up is by threatening them with a subpoena or serving them with one they are considered hostile.
Especially a cheated upon ex-husband?

First year law students are taught to never ask a question that they don't already know the answer to.

Prisoners are not tried in an orange jumpsuit, it would prejudice a jury.
The prosecution would not allow it since that would automatically give grounds for an appeal.

A good story and entertaining

Looking forward to reading future stories by this author.

Needs more depth.

This was a good start to a good story but lacked depth and needed more character development.

good story

I gave it a 5 but didn't like the way it ended completely. If he was so happy with the way his life turned out, then to some extent he owed it to his ex for being the person she was. If any man could find that kind of happiness, then wouldn't it preclude the animosity displayed at the trial? If you look at the bad things, shouldn't you also see the good things too?
It's a good story, I'm glad he was able to live happily ever after, but the way he spoke was a bit over the top for me. The state and the feds where giving him his pound of flesh, and then some.

Thanks for the offering.

A different viewpoint

A lot of people voiced the view that the story ended badly. The wronged husband should have been more grateful to the ex-wife because he ended up having a better life due to her actions. Get real! She turned him into a shell of a man for her own needs then wanted a divorce because he wasn't the man she married. His only fault was to follow her needs because he loved her. The point is that she didn't divorce him so he could have a better with a better woman. She could care less. All she was cared about was herself. So in the real world he may be thankful that he has a great life now but it didn't come without a lot of pain. So yeh he is gonna get his little bit of payback against the ex-wife and her family. Have to agree about the defence lawyer though. What a numpty.

That was fun reading.

For a first attempt this story was a very nice try. Although I agree with most critics, one must remember these stories are based on fantasy, which allows for quitte a bit of authors freedom. Admitted, here and there it got a bit too fantastic, but it was still pretty decent writing and fun reading it. Keep on writing and improving. As an encouragement I give you a 5*.

Quite An Entertaining Story

A well-deserved 5-star rating. You asked for corrective criticism. You misused the word 'sat' repeatedly. In fact, not one time was it used correctly. In most, if not all, cases the word you needed to use was 'sitting'. And if that is the major criticism I have with this story, I would say you are off to a terrific start. Congratulations on your first submission.

Setting up the characters was confusing.

You have a guy, the usual LW hubby, an ordinary Joe paired with a most beautiful and talented wife. Joe loses his construction job; and then can't find another one and has to work in an office? Doesn't make sense and is too cliched with wifey's friends looking down on him, and him feeling so sorry for his lot in life.
So she trades us from a construction worker to a landscape gardener? Doesn't make sense, even at the end of the story. Maybe landscape gardener's are higher status where you live?
Self-improvement was a successful path toward the resolution of this tale.
The trial and all associated with it were filler.

Well Done!

I do enjoy a story where the cheaters lose and the non-cheaters win...and that is certainly the case in this story. The only negative that I see is that I don't think anyone would call a dumped, ex-husband as a character witness for the ex. Thank you for an entertaining story. Keep up the good work.

Nice going...

Listen to HDK.

Jedd Clampett

I like the ending

The writer had Jessica's lawyer force him to testify against his will even after he he asked the lawyer what I didn't want to be a witness for her. Her lawyer even made a threat to force him to testify. Even in fantasy land a dumb lawyer knows not to ask questions you don't know the answers too!
He gave good solid answers to everything he was asked. Jessica screwed him over then needed him. The next neighbors wife knew what was going on behind his back and kept it from him. She also kept a secret from the Jessica because she knew Kyle was a pig.
Jessica and her family reaped what they sowed! I guess in fantasyland you can find really really dumb lawyers and they got what they deserved.

first rule of trial law

NEVER ask a question in court that you don't know the answer to. Why these lawyers thought that he would give her a glowing review is beyond me.

it's funny. some people are so smart they are stupid.
you know( lack common sense)