Your concept, plot devices and characters are interesting, but your use of language and correct tense leave much to be desired. You switch back and forth between past and present tense in the same sentences!
Take a solid bit of writing advice: stick to a past tense narrative voice. It's not that present tense is in and of itself a BAD choice, but it requires more skill than you seem to have yet mastered.
I'd love to read the next installment, but you are in desperate need of editorial advice and aid before posting.
English
Good idea, BUT...
Your concept, plot devices and characters are interesting, but your use of language and correct tense leave much to be desired. You switch back and forth between past and present tense in the same sentences!
Take a solid bit of writing advice: stick to a past tense narrative voice. It's not that present tense is in and of itself a BAD choice, but it requires more skill than you seem to have yet mastered.
I'd love to read the next installment, but you are in desperate need of editorial advice and aid before posting.
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