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English
Editor?
You really should brush up on your grammar or find an editor to help you. I got distracted and lost interest by the third paragraph.
My best friend Jeremy and I
I stopped reading after the third grammar error. Sorry. Gave it a one.
for your first its not too bad
Just like sex your first time isn't perfect and it only gets better the more you do it....ignore the idiots above and keep writing...yes do get an editor but keep writing...make part 2 better and longer too
Anonymous can't write or they would
...and they would have a named Lit account with stories.
Just like you can't get good sex advice from virgins, you can't get good writing advice from the Anonymous who are all writing virgins. They can't get it up to man up and write a story themselves, so they have to tear down those who do. I put a notice at the top of my stories about the content, and delete the comments who didn't bother to read it. Delete their comments and move on.
For constructive comments, I would say the length is too short, even for just a one incident stroker piece. You can figure about 6 Word pages to one Lit page, so try to target twelve to fifteen pages, which will end up being about two lit pages. Even in multiple chapter stories, you need time for people to get into your story, and short short stories are like short short dicks, just not that satisfying to your readers.
That extra length will allow extra detail. The extra detail will get worked in by rewrites, where you ask who? what? where? when? How? and the five senses touch, taste, smell, feel, and see. If you satisfy your readers minds about those questions, you won't lose them.
Finally, no cardboard characters right out of central casting. Everyone is special, unique. What makes each of your characters different from everyone else on the planet? Her bright eyes? The way she always made you feel like she was paying attention to just you? There must be a hook, a reason to believe. She always wanted you because you remind her of the one that got away. She knew the ship of her current relationship was sinking, she needed a life raft, grabbing onto your rudder.
A good start, but you can do much, much better. Just take your advice from those who write, and not from those who can't.
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