Ali's Genie Ch. 01

You need to flesh out the story more. It didn't flow. Try to expand upon your ideas more instead of jumping through it like you are documenting his life.

What Defile said

As the character moves through the story, bring in his senses, what's interesting and relevant around him that he sees, hears, smells, feels on his skin (he likes being naked), how his cock feels. Is the box heavy, light, warm or cool? You say the water is cool, but how does that feel? How does the grass on his butt? Is he horny, excited?

Learning Curve

In the first paragraph the last sentence is: "I wanted to sleep in for once but that hope was dashed.". Why were his hopes of sleeping in dashed? Did he try unsuccessfully to go back to sleep? Was there some other reason for him to start his day when the alarm woke him?
Your readers will expect this sort of question to be resolved and not left hanging.

That said, learn from constructive criticism, ignore those who just say "This is rubbish." and keep om writing.. remember that you will never be able to satisfy everybody.

Nice Start

Now to get to the Genie and what he does with his Genie's Gift's

Draco Comment

Some good advice from all the comments. Attention to detail is important. Get an editor. Minor typos piss people off. Take your time developing each character. Describe simple shit for context. What game did he play and was he any good? How come he had a day off in the middle of the week?

But make sure that some of the mouse shit you describe is in your wider plot arcs. Example. He is a genius at War Hammer. The Genie tries to help and 'takes' him into a 'real' game of it and if he makes a mistake he really dies.

Draco is right. Tough audience. Keep going and learn. At least you are posting a story so good for you.

Jack.

Can't say much till we see more of the story but it does need much longer chapters. Your going up against lots of other genie stories so good luck with this one.

Very similar to another story

This story is very, very similar to the first Genie Chronicles story (the prologue) by Joe Brolly which is also on this site...

Guy is a normal bloke going about his life...
Guy comes across a box that has a multi-sided puzzle...
Guy then solves the puzzle...
Box then emits a coloured smoke...
Guy passes out from smoke...

I like the story and I'm sorry if you didn't know about the Genie Chronicles but it's pretty much the same...