Grey

fantasy guy

sad, but the challenge of coming back to the sun light is worth the effort

What?????

You vividly describe nothing! This is the second posting for you and the result is the same. You use wonderful, vivid language to describe nothing. I get to the end and have idea what you trying communicate. Who is Greta? Why/how did a gang take/kill her children?

You have to put more meat into a story than this.

A story has to contain more than just descriptions. Next time try writing an actual story.

Still a bit sparse on detail.

Your message IS clearer this time. This appears to be a dirty that had nothing to do b with cheating (thank you), but a marriage that has been killed by gang violence. The father busy overseas, the mother working her charities or causes, the innocent little boys grew up and were killed when they fell into gang life due to neglect or something like it. Right? Parents can't cope, mothers living with a killer, fathers living with a wife who didn't notice the kids were in a gang both no longer have their kids, marriage dies.

The only thing suoer unclear here is who Greta is. Another dead kid? Or the daughter that the maritally broken parents don't give a fuck about? There's zero clarity there.

Your stories drop emotion but there needs to be more insight to the characters as well as the plot.

I enjoy a little angst from time to time

But this goes way past simple melancholy . If this is a therapeutic device for you , then I truly pray that you find some peace .

Please don't stop

Very intense. So hard to plumb those depths. Please keep going.

What?

Seriously, what was this about? Just because you know all the details and background on this, don't assume that other people can read your mind.

Just because YOU know what a story is about doesn't mean WE do, you use so many descriptions, yet we know fuck all about this story.

What the hell happened

Who what where why. I had no idea what this was about other than their children died. Who was Greta, how did the children die, why did whatever happened happen. If this is going to be the expected content then hey give as all a break and prevent us having to read it it or even open it up. What a waste of time.

nope, doesn't work

Something happened and she is unhappy about it.

Even as an impressionistic mood piece, it doesn't work. Too short, only the vaguest of hints.

Grim

Grim tale with some suggestions about the past but leaving to many questions in the readers mind to allow the full effect.

Not a fun read.

Someone told you that adjectives make a more interesting story and they often do, but you really need some verbs as well. Peeling paint? I am unsure what to say about this except it was unpleasant as hell. Maybe it was meant as a description of hell?

Understand the gray...

Any parent that has lost a child understands....two would be mind killing. Thoughtful but seemingly incomplete.

YOU DONT HAVE TO BE DEAD

to be buried. TK U MLJ LV NV

Depressing

So what was the event? Details!
JimC

Thinking man's tale

I loved this. The story was well written, had loads of subliminal messages to absorb and left enough for the reader to imagine for themselves. I only ever comment on what I regard as a good story. So . . . other authors, have I commented on you yet? Hahaha!

How , what , where , when , why

# 1 Totally missed the mark. Far too many questions and not enough substance . Short stories must provide some insight .

Too grey

Too grey for my liking. Short powerful tale about feeling empty, so empty there are no feelings, no hope, no tomorrow. It's about a state of mind. The details are not relevant. Different to what I usually read here..

Another excellent slice of life drama

I'd like to see more, please.

Stop posting in this category

This soory shit story has nothing to do with LW in any way shape or form. Putting it here is just a dick move from an asshole.

Really well written, sparse and grey, a very bleak shade of grey indeed. Does it belong in loving wives, maybe, maybe not but where else does it go. It is about a husband and wife after all and each of them is essentially cheating the other out of life. The story could be expanded a bit, but the bare bones are there and maybe I don't want more details early this morning.

a great emotional dark short story.

You must have known you would get grief from the annoy crowd that cannot read anything they cannot beat their lonesome meat too. Keep writing. Better than most stories because it made.people think. Look how many responses.

Nothing

A stream of consciousness exercise from freshman creative writing. Just stop.

Now I'm gonna give that 5*

due to the evocative and poignancy of the writing. However I challenge this writer to craft a more complete tale, one that gives us a deeper sense of the characters and what happened. These little vignettes are fine, but honestly the readership hungers for quality writing, so we want to see you sprout into a Mainefiddlehead or something like that.

Maybe you are writing to work out some personal issues, if so, hope it is working.

Plot...a story needs a plot...

but your potential is astounding. I'd love to see what you can do when you really put your mind to it.

Sadness drips from every single word

And this turns into a very (maybe incomplete) sad tale. As was said there is no greater pain than parents outliving their children, more even if the children area still young. But they have to find support in each other, because their pain and suffering is equal. A short but very good story even if it's sad.

Well written

I would like more but what there is, is good.

1star not because it was cheap because it was wrong!!

What`s that for?? Lucky wise its none of that idiotic cuck crap stories but its at the wrong place!! Its lyric and not a sexstory!!! And its mournful!!

Excellent Story Fragment

Leaves us all sad and wanting more than it is possible to get out of the group of excellent words. I suspect the author conquered his objective.

Your writing is poetic, abstract, and pretentious.

Why is she drinking a cup of a small town in India? I'll bet you intended for us to think she is drinking Darjeeling tea. But if its important for us to know what town it comes from, why isn't it important for us to know if it is the black, green, white, or oolong? Unless you meant to tell us she's drinking some other beverage from Darjeeling, such as beer, or water. Since what she is actually drinking is irrelevant, what difference does it make where it comes from?

A lot of your descriptions read like stage play instructions for actors. Walk here, pick this up, switch this switch, to the on position. You already told us its getting dark outside, why would she switch the switch to the off position?

Did the children die in a flood, or maybe get struck by lightening? I was just wondering what the storm had done to them to explain why it was weeping with shame. Very poetic. Wish it meant something.

Well it appears to have meant something to many other readers. Congratulations. Don't mind me, I don't like abstract painting either.

Huh??

wasn't worth the time it took to read or the space it took up on the computer

A pungent story...

A pungent story...I agree that it leaves a lot of details in the shadows, but the main point is to show how a mother and a father are destroyed by the death of their children...It's one of the worst situations someone can live...4*

Impo_64

Pungent: having a sharply strong taste or smell.
Poignant: evoking a keen sense of sadness or regret.

Was it pungent or poignant in your opinion?

@impo

How can you say anything about the situation with the information, or more importantly lack of information, given?

Who is Greta in this story?

Is Greta a daughter, a sister, a lover, the wife at the table, some second personality, a faithful dog? What?

I get that a gang killed their sons, though not why. I get that they're unable to move on because of the pain between them. But who is this Greta?

4 stars because it describes the death of a marriage

But really, it makes no sense as to why. Who is Greta and what happened with what gang? How old were the kids? No answers to the questions.

Better

It told a story but very choppy. More development.

Why do you feel the need....

to add a disclaimer that you make no money from this? How is that a disclaimer, any way? What is the point?

We may have a story here,

But you will have to publish a few more 'stories' to be sure. Unfortunately, all we have so far are a couple of chapters which may not even be from the same story. Best grade I can give so far is INCOMPLETE.

More stupid drivel

Please either learn how to write something that makes sense or just give up.

AND THE COW*

Jumped over the moon!!!!

Trying way too hard.

Trying to be clever is not the same as being clever. You seem to be totally unaware of your audience and have chosen not to think of them in your composition.
It is one of the biggest reasons writers fail.

Please utilize the following site. It will tell you how to wean out the dizzying array of adjectives you use here.
http://www.hemingwayapp.com/
Numbers, like 8, 6 and 12 need to be written out. And yeah - reading about dead children is not so erotic.

1*

go eat a gun or something...