The First SaR Mission Ch. 02

Stop with all the bs in the beginning; nothing like telling readers that they are stupid and won't figure out your story unless you have an instruction manual. Big turn off.

Plain and simple a story should NEVER need that much explanation for a reader to try to understand what they are reading. You complicate things before they've even begun.

When you have to write paragraphs upon paragraphs to the reader BEFORE the story even starts you are basically dead in the water.

If no one understands your so called "style," then you need to change it.

Loose the bold print; not needed.

Audience Determines the Style?

I am pleased with the story so far, and I am leaning a bit towards agreeing with the previous comment about your style of simplifying for the reader.

My impression, after reading the first two chapters, is that this story is written for an audience of youngsters, who lack the experience, or patience, to parse out the story, as you said in your first explanation. With that target in mind, I see nothing wrong with the technique you are using. But, posting this on Literotica, means you have reached an entirely different audience and should reconsider your approach.

If you don't put any sex in it, you can post this on a different site and continue as you are.

Good story so far, I look forward to reading further episodes.

Can't be bothered going on - too hard to follow

The only reason you write as you do is that you can't be bothered to do it properly or don't want to learn how.
As Jack is the main character, write the story in the first person and use proper dialogue - the same as every other author does.

Much better!

Second chapter is much better. I am now actually getting into the story and can't wait to see where it goes from here!

Writing Style

I think I'd enjoy the story more if it wasn't written in the psuedo-play script style you have going on. Right now, I'm finding your dialogue very dry and unemotional. Making it hard to identify with the characters.
There's a way to write the dialogue so that confusion about who is saying what is very limited. Since you said you were a reader on here before a writer, I recommend you check out Etaski's series of stories and side stories. The way her dialogue writing is styled is a good example. If you'd like, I have her as one of my favorite authors, so you can access her stories through my page.

I tried

But it is too much. Please write in a more normal style. Easy enough to look through thousands of stories and books to see how they are written. For a conversation script to work you need to be an exceptional, gifted and experienced writer.
You jumped from the pan into the fire.