The Pixie Stories 01

Great First Effort

I think this is an excellent first submission. The only comment is a small issue of editing, which I'm sure you have already noticed. The few instances of repeated words and such don't take away from the qualities of the story, they just distract the reader a bit. Overall, I think this is a solid story. You clearly painted the main character and her naivety. Also, enough information about the secondary characters to make them interesting and help the reader visualize what you saw as you sat writing. I really liked the way you took enough time to describe the setting, I could see the boring office as if I were there myself. This is all commendable, especially in a short story format.
The twist at the climax was well disguised, and the tension created left me wanting to know more about what Suzie will do with her discovery! Looking forward to the next chapter. Five stars, but only because I'm giving a pass on the editing this time ;)

Learning basic punctutation and grammar (the kind I learned by 5th grade) would go a long way. You need to use quotation marks around dialogue. I can't believe you need to be told that.

Very good start

won't talk about the things (rather rudely I might add), already pointed out. This is your first ever story so you have something to build on. Looking forward to seeing how the story develops, especially between Suzie and Pixie.

I'm loving this beginning. I can't wait to see what happens next.

Nice

I already know the spoiler.

Nice start. Can't wait to read more especially how Suze is going to react. Such a cliffhanger.

Great start to the series!

I really like the twist at the end!