A Change of Scenery Is Good Pt. 01

Nice, but...

...you need an editor. There were a fair number of distracting errors, the most distracting of which being the several times you switched perspective between First and Third Person. Here's one example:

at the very end, you have been going along in Third Person:

"She finally looked up to *HIM* to see the sincerity on HIS face." (*EMPHASIS* mine).

But soon, you switch to First Person:

"With that, she picked up her bag and keys, which had fallen during *OUR* make out session which *I* doubt neither of *US* remember" (*EMPHASIS* mine).

There were a few other examples of this earlier (search for words like "I", "my" and "mine" to find them), and other types of errors as well. While a reader can fairly easily "translate" them into what you probably meant, doing so pulls them "out of the story" each time they do. If this happens too many times, the reader may stop reading your story and find another story on Literotica to read. An Editor/Proofreader can help you to spot and correct these errors in a piece BEFORE you submit it.

-Rei

great story start

loved it and yes there are some editorial errors but keep going, can't wait to read Pt.2

Too much

There is just too much leading to nothing.

Story

Your idea for the story is good, but the grammar errors and spelling need to be corrected before publishing the next chapter. You need to use your spell checker and grammar checker all the time as you are writing.

Read before you write.

Congrats for trying, I know it isn't easy, especially the first time. My advice is to read a good novel in order to understand style. Count how many times you have used "Jared" and "Caitlyn" then edit it leaving out AT LEAST 90% of them. It's very jarring and unnecessary.

No means No

I feel Jared's behavior is inexcusable.
The era when we said "If a Lady says No she means Maybe ... is long over.
The behavior you describe borders on harassment.
It also does not fit the character as you made me perceive him until this point.
Forgive me, but as the father of two daughters and grandfather of four g'daughters I feel very strongly about this, but so does the law.

I cringed at the end when Jared is telling Caitlyn that he's not a jerk like all the others ....... while being a classic jerk. Killed the romantic sensual mood that was slowly building up.

Author, I see this is your first effort. Everyone should give you a little slack with heavy criticism since at least you tried. Next time should be better and so on and so on. I enjoyed the story and the character descriptions. Thank you for making the effort and I will look forward to chapter II. jntiques

Thank you

Thank you for reading and for your comments everybody. Appreciate it. I'm still new at this and looking for my rhythm. But now I have a few ideas and have started work on part 2. Hopefully you guys like that better.

A decent start

I thought you went over board on descriptionse and no incite into the characters. I thought he was a little too aggressive, and would have scared most women. Why couldn't help simply just ask her out? Keep going.

This looks like an aggressive male accustomed to getting his way. Grabbing her was the wrong thing to do. Avoiding him like a plague would be understandable. His attitude probably stems from the fact that being an attorney, he feels like he can get away with more deviant behavior than the average man.

Separation

I would not be surprised to see in Chapter 2 that she is married but separated from her husband. Sorry if I spoiled the surprise for the next chapter...

Could only give this read 4/5

I liked it, even though it seemed to speed through the preliminaries. There wasn't a lot of descriptive or emotional detail that I like to read. It helps develop more anticipation and a sense of identifying with one of the characters. As a man, I relate to Jarod. But the clincher was, there wasn't enough build-up before the ending. No clues as to the future before Caitlyn just left. I felt like I was left hanging high and dry. What did Jarod read in her face, or tone of voice, or body language that would leave the reader to anticipate they would come together again? What were Jarod's thoughts immediately after she closed the door?

So I'm anticipating a Pt. 02, but not with any strong "can't wait" feeling.

edit

You have the potential to be a good story teller but you really do need an editor. They're available for free and I would suggest that you take advantage of that service.

He was an old 64 year old man

Unreadable!

I dont know what kind of woman you were describing, but it was hard to picture. It may have been the odd choice of clothing. Also, what does Jared look like? Give your reader some physical characteristics. I didn't care for the forcefulness either.