The Helpless Girl

Please help me to get better

I would like to read a comment from those who think this story is not good. Just a single sentence telling me what is bad or missing, and how I can get better in writing MC stories.

Emotion

Detail, emotion and length.

I am submissive and a slave to my Master. It IS a mind set and has nothing to do with sex, though, I am His and that is my place as His sex slave...I am much more to Him.

There is no back story here; no why or how. The girl wasn't just "found" in the house.
"When I came home, a girl was sitting in a corner of my living room like a picture of misery.

"Who are you?" I asked. "How did you come here?"
She looked at me with tear-stained eyes. "I don't know", she sobbed. "I don't know what my name is. I don't know where I came from."
She was petite, perhaps twenty or twenty-two, but in her helplessness, she looked like a little girl.
I handed her a box of tissues. "Thank you, sir", she said."

How does she not know who she is?
How does she not know where she is?

He knows who she is. "I took my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed a long number. "Yes, it's me. She's ready. You can pick her up now."

You want the readers to just assume everything. There needs to be more detail; there is way to much left unsaid.

It's roleplay dummy

He is a trainer. She is his trainee. This was her final exam. She passed. He sells her. Did you even read the story? Do you have an imagination? Does someone have to explain everything to you?

Good story. Just like singing at Carnegie Hall, if you want to get better, practice. Looking forward to your next. Confidence!

Your character found a girl in his living room, she doesn't know how she had ended there, doesn't know her name, the first thing that the guy does is fucking her and you ask for a fair comment on your story? Oh boy!!!

To Anon that said, "It's roleplay dummy!"

Are you in high school?

Constructive criticism was asked for and I gave it.

A man comes home to find a lost girl in his livingroom. Proceeds to TELL her everything she is...but he'd already said she was lost. He then fucks her mouth.

They were NOT playing roles. It is a story..there were no roles. She did not suddenly wake up and say, "oh that was wonderful Master! I'm ready to be sold now." She went to sleep, then he made a call; she was completely unaware.

I like it

Short and pretty simple, but nice. I'm not sure about the people saying they don't get it, it seems pretty clear. Protagonist brainwashes and conditions girls. He blanks her memory, then walks in and proceeds with the scene, testing out her responses and her willingness to submit to a stranger. Having confirmed that all of his conditioning is in place, he notifies the buyer.

Story wasn't really long enough to have much emotional hook, but it worked as a short mood piece and the writing was solid. Thumbs up.

A bit short but not bad

I thought it was a nice short piece. I agree there isn't a lot of hook to it but it's short enough that I don't know that that's needed.

If you write anything longer you will likely need to develop it further but not bad for one of your early attempts at a story.

Thank you all for the comments

I see that the intent of this story was not put down clearly enough, since only part of you got it, but the the others didn't.

What TehCorinthian wrote reflects my intention, and I thank Masterskitten26 for the details what could be made better. I'll work on it.

First of all, I enjoyed your story. But like others I have a feeling that you did not tie up loose threads in the story which you could have done at the end(?) of each activity...you could have written the character to express his thoughts of her conditioning, and how things were progressing.

The story reminds me of episodes of THE TWILIGHT ZONE...where the audience was left sith many questions after a watching characters experiencing a surreal situation and how they dealt with it.

The girl not knowing where or who she was could have been dealt with by having your male character making her go to sleep on command... Uttering instructions and allowing the reader to see she was made to forget who she was and why she was there.

I liked it for the TWILIGHT ZONE similarity but your other readers are asking for more "realistic" story elements...and I agree with them.

More to come

There is a second part in the submission pipeline, which should answer some of the questions, and I'm contemplating on a third part.

@animal: My intention was that the reader could fill the gaps in the narration with their own imagination, but obviously I went too far.

I'll try and be constructive

The beginning was so unbelievable I couldn't continue. Guy comes home and there is a random naked girl in his living room? How did he get in? Why is he not concerned there may be others in his home? What motivates him to calmly sit down and offer her a seat on his lap? Why would she jump at the opportunity. You don't explain why he's so calm, or why he would expect her to be willing to sit on his lap. You don't explain what makes her jump to do so. What young woman who is lost and confused eagerly jump into the lap of a stranger? If there is programming that is kicking in that is pushing her there should be some explanation of that. Say how she's not sure why but she felt compelled. Or immediately follow the action with her not being quite sure why she did what she had just done.

Motivation and and mental/emotional reactions are a big part of mind control stories. It's not just about being able to control someone, it's about why you would do so. It's about the experience of loss of control, submitting to someone else's will or surrendering to uncontrollable urges. Does she embrace new urges and obedience? Does she find that her loss of control unlocks desires she didn't even know she was suppressing? Is she willing and eager on the outside, but trapped in her own mind and hating it on the inside? Or is there a switch that when on causes her to truly want and enjoy things she would normally hate, and when that switch is offer she's left conflicted by how much she really enjoyed said behavior?

There are a lot of angles from both sides of the story. Think about motivations. Think about thoughts and emotions that arise from the experience. And while mind control in itself is a bit fantastical, try and make the situations believable on a human level. If I come home from work and there's some random naked girl in my home, I'm going to check the whole house for others, get her a blanket, and call the police. What knowledge and motivation does the main character have to behave differently?

Not random

@Anon: I see I was not able to make clear that the girl wasn't there by pure chance. She was dropped in that corner by the slave trader's personnel for him to perform his final check of her programming.

All he did in the first 4/5 of the story was intended to test her. Perhaps the second part helps in understanding.

Don't listen to the detractors.....

....keep writing (and reading) and you will brush up on the small stuff.