All Comments on 'The Inheritance Ch. 01'

THIS IS A GOOD START TO WHAT I THINK WILL BE A GOOD SERIES.

However - why stop there?

I'm interested to see where you go with this, so please keep writing.

But you should work on your chapter-breaks... the idea is to build up anticipation for the next chapter, not just have the story come crashing down.

I realize I'm nitpicking here a little bit - but that is the difference between getting 5 stars, or 4 which I gave you (because 4.5 is not an option & this was not quite a 5. But it could become a 5 pretty easily, so keep writing!)

is he totally changed mind and body and no memory of his former self. or is he just enhanced? inquiring minds and all. Great start by the way. keep it coming.

What is the truth he needs to know? What is his mother not telling him? What is the deal with the armor? Was his mined altered after he transformed? Finally why end the first chapter like that?

If this is going to be a new version of A GIFT FOR HIS FATHER dont bother trying.

How does he know his fathers lawyer if he barely saw his father? Why would he be upset at the death of a man he barely knew? Why would they not be invited to the funeral? What's the deal with the armour and if he comes to class 6" taller and 40lbs of muscle heavier (estimations) how is that going to work? That doesn't happen IRL. And why does his mother sound like some high school cheerleader instead of a mature woman punching 40?

Too confusing to be enjoyed.

sadly another story with only one page, i do iike this story line but do hope you see the light and return with at least two pages, along with filling in the blanks, background, and descriptions, please n thank you,

So many of the "mind control" stories start this way as to be pretty much a formula. Single mom with son? Check. Distant/unknown father? Check. Now dead with mysterious inheritance? Check. Powers received from said dead unknown father? Check. Son transforms body? Check. Mom falls in lust with son? Check...

Take this as constructive criticism. If you are going to use a formula for a story you have got to do something unique or do it better than it has been done before, otherwise why read yours instead of just going back & re-reading other authors who have done the same formula before?

It's a good start. But the last part from where he enters the door intovhis fathers office seemed rushed and disconnected from the way you fleshed out other scenes. Doors in front of him? How dI'd the doors appear in front of him when he jus went through them? You might want to re-write that last part. Otherwise I like where this could be heading. Thank you for your story.

DJ

Well, as is my first reading on this type of stories, I can not comment extensively, but I seem to understand the concept well. Jennifer was the lover of Jacob, Mike's father, and him was the fruit of their relationship. At the death of Jacob, Mike was not invited to the funeral, and Jennifer nor was also (badly seen by society, as it had been an adulterous relationship). Mike's father's wife (Cindy?), tells Jennifer that she will continue to receive her assignment, and Mike receives his mysterious inheritance at special room, with mysterious doors that take him to another place (dimension?) when he says his name and lineage. It is understood that inheritance is not material, rather spiritual and / or magical. I do not quite understand that Mike grows in size for it, but it may not matter. It will be seen in other chapters.

5 * for you.

I apologize for my English (yet), is not my native language.

Okay.. the story starts off kinda okay. You glossed over a bunch:

1. as was already said how does Mike know dave (dad jacob's lawyer) and Cindy (Dave's asst or paralegal) if the dad (Jacob) was barely around.

2. we can pull the info out and understand that Jennifer is mike's mom and she had an affair with jacob while he was with his wife.

3. Mike has no relationship with his half sisters.. porb due to the wife being a bitch. Mike is not to blame for what her husband did with Jennifer and to do such shows the heart of an piece of slime.

4. Jacob has money and has taken care of jennifer (and Mike thru jennifer) since then with a stipend and credit card.

5. jacob has some sort of super suit.. that either got passed on to Mike when he died or that he had 2 of and now Mike gets his as the only son it could be either but the first would seem to be the more obvious option.

Now as to what others have said.. so shall I.. one page does not a chapter make.. if you cant write at least 2-3 Literotica pages per chapter.. then combine the chapters. I am a writer and I do plan on posting soon.. but i write most if not all the story as I see it then post it in chapters one every few days or 1 a day..

I am reserving my vote until I read at least chapter 2. I guess if that was your purpose in writing the first, one page chapter, as you did, leaving us with a lot of questions, forcing us to read chapter 2, then good job.

After reading 3 chapters, that are way to short, with out any information, I am done. I leave giving you a 3* for your efforts, but I'm not going to wait for another chapter to come out, that is so short and gives no information and induces more questions. Good luck with your writing.

This story reminds me of the series on literotica called A Gift From My Father. Did you hsve this in mind when writing this story?