All Comments on 'The Inheritance Ch. 03'

Too short on words and detail. All thtee chapters could be put into one. Or expand on the scenes. You did well with that in the first part of the first chapter and there were glimpses of it in this one. Hope you can get better, because I like where your going with this.

DJ

Your writing is improving. Keep going.

The story is understood as it is taking shape. Mike's lineage has gifts, not just mental, rather like a mythological God.

Jennifer is not only her mother, her lineage is also linked to the lineage of Mike, from very remote times. Here there is no typical incest, they are all an inbred strain, a race apart from the rest of humanity. Now, this gift can be dangerous, as much as being misused as used by other ambitious and unscrupulous beings of power.

I am seeing that this story is more complex than it seems.

However, I believe that the author should write longer chapters, although this implies more slowly in its publication in Lit.

I only hope he does not abandon his work incompletely.

I think this story is worth it.

5 * for you.

I apologize for my English (yet), is not my native language.

I agree your getting the hang of your writing. But the chapters could use some more. More length , more discription, just more. Gave this a 4 star but still a good addition.

I concur that your writing is improving, but I would add that your categorization of chapters needs better attention. Three chapters so far and I would argue that all are mis-placed. No actual mind-control in ch.1, ch. 2 had the most erotic scene so far with the pool play (not sexual, just erotic build-up), and ch. 3 had nothing relating to actual incest or taboo in nature. If you continue this short burst, single-page pattern to your releases, I would consider sticking with the Novella topic, or ask someone for referencing.

I think you have a wonderful story line...in your mind. You seem to be rushing this along. I suggest you take the time to give your ideas and characters more substance. Each of these chapters should have been three or four times as long. But I agree that you are improving and you have a great concept here....just go with it!!

it seems to be improving but you are totally rushing everything. The 1 page chapters are not really chapters, consider going back and fleshing out each section you posted as a chapter and repost. Some examples I have already given in my long comment on ch 1. but some more are as follows:

1. how many sisters does he have? Tell us about them during one of the times they are referenced.

2. explain more about the mom's line and how the guy are caretakers/bearers of the armor of min and the female line is the caretakers of the male line, The mom (jennifer) said that rarely inbred with the male and female lines... so are the lines related (different sides of the same family tree) or are they simply the male line from one family and the female line of another?

3. poison in taryn.. explain it... Mom (jennifer) knocks out taryn and shows Mike how to use powers.. he then uses it on stripped out of it taryn.. he changes taryn and she suddenly comes awake and isnt shocked at her body or the fact that Mike did it..

4. he gained like 6 or so inches and tons of muscles overnight and no one noticed and thought something was up... we now know mom knows about armor and the change that comes from being a caretaker or bearer of the armor of min.

S

I wouldn't call this Sci Fi or Fantasy, and that is meant as a compliment. While totally different, this reminds me of Willing Slave Unwilling Master. You are exploring a whole bunch of speculative ideas, and there will be sex, but it is not about sex. Keep on.

This story is similar to "A Gift from his. Father"

After reading 3 chapters, that are way to short, with out any information, I am done. I leave giving you a 3* for your efforts, but I'm not going to wait for another chapter to come out, that is so short and gives no information and induces more questions. Good luck with your writing.

Luke thus, it is different and up lifting. Looking forward to the next chapter

please continue this story ,just make the chapters a bit longer if possible thanks

Cant wait for Ch. 4

When I started reading this story I nearly stopped. But I'm glad I continued has developed well so far. Please continue. I await chapter 4

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1413272&page=submissions :

Better prove that this is not a copy/past of that story

You're falling into the trap of selecting a different category for each chapter. You need to pick a general/overall category and stick with it so the readers that actually DO like your story will know where to go for it.

Having CH1 in Mind Control

............CH2 in Non-Erotic

............CH3 in Incest/Taboo

The readers you pick up here aren't going to know that you've released another chapter.

You definitely need to find an Editor, ESPECIALLY if english isn't your first language as thing ARE getting lost in translation. Most of us can over look simple mistakes like an occasional "there" instead of "their" as long as they aren't frequent, (we know some people use "voice to text" software and that does a poor job, which is why editors are so important. But your sentence structure is completely off in several sections.

I don't mean to discourage anyone from writing (except for SamX, he just won't go away), You CAN do it. But if you want people to enjoy what you are writing you'll need to go that extra step of getting an editor to help with story flow and spelling/grammar.

Are you going to finish? I like.

But I have to agree it would be more engaging if the Chapters were longer. with this type of story theres a lot of Info to give . Just 1 Page would be the beginning. With him now having the Power to change things. you need to expand on him Gathering a Harem & Dealing with his enemies.

you also fell into the trap of doing to much to soon focus on one at a time. I learned that lesson in college the hard way writing term papers.

Good start but why didn't you finish it ???????

I hope you finish this one day.

Too bad you didn`t finish the story.

But I realise it could be a neverending story, so quite understandable

5⭐️

Get your ass back into writing this story it’s way too good to leave undone ffs you have talent don’t waste it.