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English
Evocative
I think it could use some editing, there are some parts that seem more about explaining than purely poetic to my ear, but don't get me wrong--I think the poem is really really good. It has such sense of place, and envisioning that day with your words paints a picture of paradise. :)
Overall...
....this is excellent. I agree with Ang...one more run through and edit to smooth would have helped, but the images and phrasings are strong.
i'll let the pros help u edit!..
and just tell you its an enjoyable read.xo
stanza
I think this stanza puts a bump in the poetic road:
they say gay guys bring young boys here
?hey, I?m a young guy?
urban legend or
truth stranger than fiction
never found out
didn?t want to
It's going pretty smooth until I get to the above stanza that seems to have an "added in" feel when reading it. I've written poems about places and events very familiar to me and I want to tell it all. But when I reread the poem, I realize that to make it better I need to cut away some of the excess.
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