All Comments on 'Nefarious: My Bloody Valentine'

by moncrief_the_advocate

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  • 7 Comments
AnonymousAnonymousabout 7 years ago
Couldn't read it all

your second paragraph is a mess. I stopped there. Didn't vote.

moncrief_the_advocatemoncrief_the_advocateabout 7 years agoAuthor
Thank you

Thank you for your feedback. I've been experimenting with stream of consciousness, hence the second paragraph. It's not everyone's cup of tea, and I'm definitely no expert at that style.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 7 years ago
Excuse me, what!?

Apologies for any rudeness in this reply, but this story should be under horror and nothing more. It is most sssuredly non-erotic, unless you are into snuff films. Additionally, what does it have to do with Valentines?

moncrief_the_advocatemoncrief_the_advocateabout 7 years agoAuthor
Horror

Okay I wasn't sure what exactly to put it under. Thank you for the suggestion.

No rudeness intended either, but did you read it thoroughly? My character refers to her boyfriend in the second paragraph as her "Valentine", and in the fourth paragraph she explicitly states that it is Valentine's day. There are cards being written, bouquets given, there is a dinner date, and Talcott asks Elyse towards the story's end if she had, "forgotten her Valentine."

I admit this is my first time entering this contest, and only my second on any Literotica contests, but I could not have gotten any clearer on what day it is.

JJMemaw0623JJMemaw0623about 7 years ago

The only problem I have with it is that it just stops. I want more! Even though this is a Valentine's submission I would ask that you continue this story with an additional/different name. Thanks for a cool read!

AnonymousAnonymousabout 7 years ago
stream of conscious

I have a problem with this:

We'd gone to the park in the center of town. I leaned against THE wrought iron fence, warmed by the sun, his hand played with the ends of my hair. We said nothing.

What? Where did the fence come from. If you had said "I leaned against A wrought iron fence" or "I leaned against THE wrought iron fence I stopped next to. It was warmed by the sun." Something like that. You haven't introduced THE fence yet, so when you say THE it feels as if if should already known it was there.

It's the connecting of words that bring out the picture. If the words don't connect well, the picture is skewed. For me, that sudden fence made me stop and think, "Huh, what fence? Did I miss something."

WHen you say, "I lit THE candle that I placed" that tells me all about the candle, which sounds much better than "I lit the candle." (had you said that, I'd have wondered, "what candle?")

In the 3rd paragraph when you say "I picked up THE pen" I get that, because I knew there was a pen in the 1st paragraph.

You keep the tone well. Could use some proper paragraphing. Not my type of story, but if I was a dark and brooding woman with a fascination with vampires, no reason I wouldn't like it.

moncrief_the_advocatemoncrief_the_advocateabout 7 years agoAuthor
Thanks

Thank you for your feedback. That is very helpful.

Anonymous
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