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English
Not bad for a first time story at all
Interesting topic-one Dawn and me were just talking about this pat Friday night actually, so it was interesting reading about it.
Not bad, but...
First off, you write pretty well. My problem is with verb tense. Again and again, both in this story and your other submission [which I really liked, by the way] you jump back and forth between past and present tense. It really disturbs my getting into the story. But overall, not bad.
Not bad but...
You wrote more about him and his day earlier to ejoying himself but when it got to that, all the sentences were short and strung together in short little blips of thoughts. Maybe just spend more than a paragraph writing about him getting off.
grammar
you need to use the past tense, not the present. It's disconcerting
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