Loyalty Ch. 01

Rushed, slow the fuck down.

Let's us see where this is going...

Let's us see where this is going...3* for now

Too little

This isn't a first chapter. This is barely a start to a chapter. I hope rest of story doesn't go this way. Just give us the whole damn thing.

Enjoyable read.

Like your style. More please.

Teaser

You need a little more to set the hook,

How Many Chapters?

I hate starting multi-chapter stories not knowing how long it's going to drag out!

Okay, looks like Jack is going to beat on Eric. I'm glad you didn't go where I THOUGHT you were going, which was that she cheats with his best friend that she hates! Though, all bets are off once she finds out that he got revenge for her!

Pls post subsequent chapters on consecutive days

or the fans lose interest.

Obvious cheating ploy

Rated 1* for relatively obvious plot, Jack beats up Eric for his "bro" and the wife, wife repays friend with mercy sex; only surprise will be if she leaves her husband for the "better" man or not.

# 2

Open ended

Not much of a chapter.

Best I can give is a 3* “keep writing "

Agree with obvious plot

At least get to the point.... no wait, I don't care.

Don't let the naysayers...

...bother you. It was a good start. Would have like to see more in the first installment, but pretty darned good writing! Three stars because it was a little short, but the writing is strong.

The start was okay, but the chapter is so short

So we're are you going with this story, we need more than a chapter and you really left us hanging . For a start it needs more. I hope you post the rest soon. What you did is not a good start

one page to just set a scene, this should have been at least 3 or 4 pagess and got to it

I hate serials that are to short in chapters

Waste

I feel jlike I just lost 10 minutes and got nothing fot it. Too short !!!

Another half page wonder

as in you wonder if it'll ever be finished. Don't post less than two good pages. Short bits like this don't fare well and you lose a lot of potential readers.

Not to mention it's not worth rating. If you got it.....post it.

As for the story it's an interesting start.

That's it?

This is way too short and is not going anywhere!

I have been Jack

for a couple of friends. Just take care of business.

An interesting first chapter, if short. But way too early to rate. In the mean time, some observations:

You make it very obvious that Jack is going after Eric, so we know that that is not really what is happening. It seems very likely that Jack kicked Mandy's ass because he discovered she has been fucking around on her husband, his friend. You left out the obvious questions: where was Mandy found beaten; who called the cops? What time did Mandy leave the bar; what time where the cops called? Were there any signs of theft, any indication of a motive or particular pattern to her beating? Of course there's more tells:

"Mandy started to cry and say that she was so sorry." Why would a woman who was mugged apologize to her husband, her first words to him, saying she was so sorry? Mandy knows why she was beaten, and she knows her husband is going to find out. It will be interesting to see if Jack did it anonymously, or if Mandy knows Jack did the deed.

Its nice to see that Mandy's first thought is to apologize for being a cheating slut. But given her presumed right to mace a guy because she does not like his jokes, her privileged upbringing, and her wanton sexual appetite, should the husband really be surprised that as she begins to age and has ample opportunities, she decides to indulge in some recreational sex? I'm not.

So, surprise me with how wrong I am. I can hardly wait.

And thanks for having the balls to allow anonymous comments. That automatically makes you better than many talented but tender authors on this site.

INT WTF?

And So??????????????

This could get good

Giving it a 4 in anticipation.

Apologies for the delay

I apologize for the delay, life got in the way of sending in the story. The second part has been submitted. I have learned my lesson and will combine the stories before publishing so I do not draw it out longer than it needs to be. Thank you for the useful comments, I appreciate the feedback.

Good openers

We hope that our hero will not turn out to be a willing cuck.

Opening

A bit short with some groundwork laid but not much else.