by Thane63
I don't know what you were on about and to be honest it was a load of rubbish
The beginning reads like it's suppose to be in the middle of a story. First anon was right, no idea what the hell is going on. No set up, no discernable plot. Don't give up, but at least provide a whole story, or if submitting parts could you start with chapter one and not chapter five.
This seems like an interesting story, but I need some backstory and some development. If it's the first chapter of a 10 chapter story, it's great. If it stands alone, I'm not on board.
I do like your writing, but this was a bit confusing. I hope there is more added to explain what is going on.
Uhh, I'm sorry, what? Did you take your meds? Do I need some to understand this? There is help available for you. Call the number on your screen now. But what is seriously sad is this nowhere near the worst story I have ever seen here. At least he could spell and make a simple sentence. He didn't have a coherent thought of course, but he could make a simple sentence.
I almost gave it a 2, but, am hoping there's another chapter to clear up my confusion. Style is good, characters ok, plot escapes me if you stop here. More?
If you can't make any sense...do not send in this story. SUCKED
this was just bad. if you were going for vague and mysterious, you did it by wrong. I hope this was practice and you can see that you left out to many details, instead of leaving out just enough. It's not hard to follow, it is badly executed, you're leaving me to fill in TOO many of the blanks. Better luck in the future.
of this 'story' is that it feels like an outline/synopsis missing all the key details. There is a story in those details, but you left that part of it out and what you submitted doesn't work well together. You need some glue to bind this thing together.
This reminds me of a bad sci-fi from the fifties. Black and white and you can see the wires. Really bad.
Starts out mysteriously, and finishes just as mysteriously. There are vague hints but no explanations. It says nothing, tells nothing, explains nothing.
There are the bones of a good Science fiction - Science fantasy story, but that's all we get . Just bones.
Girl throws up, presumably at the realisation that she unknowingly let her brother fuck her, then the older woman says it's because his sister was jealous he got some other unnamed women pregnant instead of her.
Since he is 18, and just returned after untold years in foster care, when was all this impregnating supposed to have happened?
Maybe his strange hinted at power sent his cum flying over untold distances into the anonymous pussies.
Christ, now you've even got me spouting gibberish!
If you insist on submitting this into a competition, make it a competition for the dumbest story ever. It would win hands down.
It makes no sense whatever.
but yeah, it was a little on the strange side and hard to follow
But so far you can't tell a story. Try again I suspect that you have a really good erotic fantasy in there somewhere
Read the story, then reread the story. I like the basis laid but details were missing. He was given a power from the lightning, or it enhanced him. He has developed "senses" and is wanted by a council of similar others to join them. and he has made his sister and her friend pregnant. Oh and he has met his mate. Now if this is the whole story then I would vote one way....but I think you have many chapters to tell us and I voted higher because of these. NOW...tell us the rest of the tale, story, happening and give more details as you do. Do not disappoint those who see more to you. GP
There's the seed of several neat ideas here, and you're writing style is engaging. But your transitions are really, really rough, and there's too much that is assumed to be known by the reader without explanation. It's ok to have mystery, but you need to make sure that the reader realizes "I don't have this information yet, and the writer knows that and will fill the info in." Another chapter could fill in a lot of those holes. I'd highly encourage you to avail yourself of the editors on this site.
A story? I am sorry, the writing is intriguing. But I lost you after one or two paras.