The Long Goodbye

The definition of noir may be "dark."

The product is just usually badly lit and trashy. No exception here. That which is supposed be be cutting edge just turns out to be merely trendy, and 50 year old trend, at that. Somewhat like a bad old Micky Spillane novel.

I knew was a wrong thing, to click a noir story by an amateur writer , even an exceptionally talented one like dtiverson

Because noir is too powerful to be used by any but the most skilled of authors. I knew it would be bad, like watching a neophyte trainer step into a locked cage and try to tame an ill tempered and ravenous Siberean tiger with a joy buzzer instead of a whip and pistol.

But what the hell. It was slow night in Loving Wives. I clicked the link and shaded my eyes in vain to try to tamp down the pain that I deserved and had chosen of my own free will. I could blame dtiverson, but in truth the villain was myself for not writing my own bad noir story. I was a coward because noir is like the beautiful but psychologically dysfunctional blonde in a little black dress and 3.5 inch stiletto Jimmy Choo heels

Just because you love her doesn't mean she loves you.

They deserve to get together.

You watch way to much television

Why do people have such a low opinion of the police. You made them out to be so incompetent it was almost cartoonish. So a women is raped and murdered and the police don't even take DNA samples. Fucking retarded bullshit.

Hell no

Why would he touch a whore that cheats on her guy with the asshole that killed his wife? He shouldn't have anything else to do with her.

Close

Great job, but two things kept this from being a 5*****. Story was too long, a lot of repetition and Kelly fucking John for DNA when there were so many other choices....

I liked it, Keep writing , Some of the comments are asinine. dont pay any attention

Fuck her

So... she wanted to get some of his DNA... and this brilliant, cold and mega-ultra-loyal girl that is in love with the main protagonist only has one idea... Get the fuck of her life with a rapist and murderer who is also the nemesis of the guy who she says she loves.

Why think about some hair or blood? The bitch wanted some dick.
Could he trust her after that? Maybe, but forgive her or forget this? Hell no.
So Kelly should be a permanente resident of the friendzone.

Who is Brook?

I quit resent.

Th first thing the cops would have done was look at the time stamp on the phone👊🏻, who she called and when. Then a cursory examination of a perps hands would reveal bruises and possibly broken knuckles. If you've ever been in a fight, you'll know this is a given. In all sexual assaults, they would still have taken a DNA swab from the victim, because it establishes guilt for a comparison. This was 6 pages too long.

In all this however, you overlook one very important truth, she was raped. What woman is going to have an orgasm while being physically raped? The odds are NOT in your favour. Imagine me raping your ass, without lube. It won't matter how I hit your prostate, in the end, it is going to hurt and you will be calling an ambulance.

GOODBYES IN THEMSELVES ARE SHORT AND TO THE POINT

but the lingering memories last for eternities, TK U MLJ LV NV

1 star

Because I despise when cheaters are made to look like they're victims.

Fine, he raped her the first time. Call the cops on him. Done deal. Story finished.

Except she chose to cheat on her husband with him, for more than 6 months.

The whole "I love you, even though I'm getting dicked by strangers" song is boring. No one who loves their partner, let alone spouse, cheats on them. No one. That's some A-grade delusion cheaters feed to themselves and the world in the hopes of convincing them they're telling the truth, if they only repeat it long and often enough.

Seriously though, why did you have to go for this kind of story? The way she dies, it just pardons her in the eyes of her husband. It gives her an easy way out of the story, free of consequences as a character. And no, her getting killed was not a consequence. It felt like something contrived by an author just to avoid writing about a cheater facing up to the reality of her life without her husband.

More, please

I think this has potential for more and more romance between Joey and Kelly. A good example story to look at that has some similarities is "The Job" by dreamcloud. Worth looking at if you want to see how two similar types can come together.

Second Dark story in two days...

Second Dark story in two days...This one more elaborated, in the Peter Cheyney and Mickey Spillane's style. Even the revenge was as dark as it could have been. Death was a easy way for the bastard. He had to suffer through life. About the hero never getting the girl, is a way to see it. For instance at some point Mike Hammer got the girl his faithful secretary. It's a good day in LW when an author like @dtiverson shows up with a story like this one...4*

5

Please stick with 'Noir Rules'

Joey will never be able to forget that Tedesco fucked Kelly. She could have gotten his DNA any number of other ways but chose this method and indeed, thoroughly enjoyed it despite her 'disdain' for this pig. "At least I can understand what Pia saw in him."
Neither of tem will ever be able to get past this memory. And it will serve as a source of dramatic tension if you continue with a sequel. It should remain as a reminder for them both. For Joey, a niggling doubt of whether he can 'measure up' in Kelly's eyes and could this happen again. For Kelly, a lesson in how our actions, no matter how well intentioned, can inflict further emotional hurt on an already wounded man.
Keep the relationship close but professional. Unrequited if you will. She should hurt if she sees him with another woman. He should wonder wistfully what might have been had she not fucked Tedesco Porco. (IMHO)

Great story

Well done in every way. Pia redeemed herself in the end.

Lazy Cops

I read on the other site, and I know that DT was trying to depict two lazy cops, but I find it hard to believe that BOTH cops in a team would be so incompetent as to not check DNA right away and still have their jobs.

As I mentioned in feedback, they knew that she scratched her attacker, her husband had no scratches, and they didn't check the guy her husband pointed at for scratches?

I also agree that all she needed was a strand of hair, she didn't need to fuck him.

Still an enjoyable read, just needed more suspension of dis belief than it should have.

Too many holes and perverse assumptions

So Pia is raped but she likes it so much that she has an affair with him? Not a chance. Others have already commented on the procedural problems, so I will let that go. Interesting style, but you need to work on character and plot.

4 stars

This was a 5 star story but for some minor details that turned out to be not so minor; mainly the defensive evidence on Pia's body. The evidence of the scratches would have immediately implicated Tedesco due to the scratches on his face. Not his arms, not his shoulders, not his chest; his face. Very hard to hide that. I also had a hard time getting past Kelly's "collection methods" like some other comments.

The note killed it....

It was a well written story and had a strong Noir sense to it. It was solid when he felt a bond with his partner, and you could have left him with that or a the sense conflict. However, you needed to end it. Create new characters, write more Noir, but let these two go. End, Cut, Lights up in the Theater....etc. Felt like one of those movies they love today that simply sets your for a sequel. Let them go.

Wow

This is one of those stories u just can't put down. Right from the beginning it capture the reader and u can't stop reading until u complete the story. Great writing and hope there might b a continuation of the story.

Great!

Thanks for sharing.

Consistency problems

Pia: She thinks about what her ongoing affair is doing to her marriage, then when confronted thinks she would never have had the affair if she'd thought about what it would do to her marriage. Which she explicitly did, so...

John: She tried to resist him the first time, why didn't he hit her then? Also, perhaps my balls are more sensitive then most men, but if someone grabbed mine and squeezed I don't think I could have beat them to death in anger, or do much more than roll over and die.

Kelly: She's serially monogamous and super loyal, but she's already dating a guy, she goes out and fucks another guy she doesn't even want to fuck, all to get an all together different guy. That's not monogamy. That's not loyalty. She's also supposed to be incredibly intelligent, but she's not willing to just get his DNA from his saliva or even his blood? It would be incredibly easy to do and wouldn't require having sex. And finally, she never considered that Joey wouldn't view having sex with the man who killed his wife as a betrayal? How could anyone not?

Joey: For someone so wrapped up in his wife he moves on incredibly quickly. This is the most believable of the four character discrepancies but I still found it too unlikely, if he loved Pia as much as he claimed.

I realize that these things were done to serve the plot, but they were so obvious that it hampered the story, in my opinion.

awful - standard boiler plate shit. its so bad its vile

First it's hard to imagine a story which is more cliche driven in this pile of shit. The amazingly hot super sex life that simply cannot control her pussy.

And of course she was going to stop the very day that the husband confronted her with her cheating and divorce.

And of course the police just HAVE to be utterly incompetent in every possible way.

But perhaps the worst thing is that the Super smart and loyal woman who secretl passion for her boss decides that the ONLY way to get the DNA sample is to have the best sex for life from the man who's been raping the ex husband's wife.
Te author actually thinks that any normal man especially this kind of guy is going to be acceptable with what Kelly did.

And how EXACTLY does miss brilliant hardcore sophisticated Kelly came up with a solution that she just have to have amazing sex from the rapist killer?

It is true that this author has some talent but it is alos true that this author stories frequently show plot twists which had absolute no premise in reality and are never even set up foundationally. The NON reasoning of how Kelly comes a conclusion that she MUST simply to have a prolonged ongoing fabulous fuck session with the murder rapist is a case in point
awful.

Yes

Well constructed and written. You took your time, and let the details of each new scene enhance its impact and worth.

I'm usually not a fan of adulterers dying, especially this early in a story, but you managed to reintroduce/maintain that early dramatic pull through the secondary female character's decision to sleep with the villain.

Fantastic revenge.

I wish you were right sbrooks103x...

The sorry truth is that in to many cases the evidence is never even collected let alone properly handled or tested. Many state evidence labs are months if not years behind in their work, and much of that is suspect. The ugly truth is that most crimes are only solved because the perpetrator makes a major mistake. He/she acts in haste or over thinks the crime or tells someone because of guilt or a need to brag. On the cops, I hate to say it but burnout is VERY common. They get used to either having it easy or moving on. They pegged Joey for it and frankly I doubt they would even have asked John for a DNA test assuming that Joey had hired someone. Connected people have ways of making this sort of thing more difficult. Now, on to Kelly. She did not have to fuck the guy to get the DNA. She could have danced with him and pulled a couple hairs. That is all she would need. Run her hands through his hair and grab a couple, or maybe a love bite on his lip with a drop of blood on her napkin. That would have got him going just as much as fucking her but you wanted to make her his equal as an bed athlete so I see why you did it.

I am sort of surprised that Joey did not do more research, someone knew about the affair. How long it went on, when it started and why. I am shocked he did not at least ask her. I can't believe he would have walked out without asking her about it. I would have had her spill her guts about everything then have Joey say he needed some time, packs a bag and goes for a drive, then decides he will return home only to find the body. A little trite perhaps but happens more often than you know.

I liked the story but I could not get past the scratches either. Facial scratches often don't ever heal properly on men especially, their skin is to thin. If she had scratched him somewhere else I think it would have shown. Back scratches can be to easily written off as sex but chest scratches, not so much. It would have been nice to have the scratches found in the hospital examination, and I believe they are required to report them in Illinois. Doctors can give a pretty good idea about how long it has been since the injury. That would give the lazy cops enough to get a DNA test and the hospital would have the blood already. In prison as well as in traction would be even better. Humiliation for the parents and 24x7 solitary hospital for him due to inability to defend himself.

Just my 2 cents.

Uh

The author has some bizarre punctuation habits.

The plot is mostly cliche. She was carried away by a forceful man with a big cock. Caught when she was doing it for the last time!

The murder is an unusual twist. The stupidity and incompetence of the cops was not believable in any way. Snapping the guy's spine was gruesome and sucked any erotic heat right out of the story.

Thanks for sharing. Maybe the results will be better next time.

The purpose of writing in first person is

to give the story from that person's POV. This story shits all over that standard. It switches from first person to third person in the blink of an eye. It isn't easy to convey what all of the characters are doing and thinking when you write in first person. That's what makes it so fascinating and difficult to write successfully. Jumping to third person and back to first person is much easier, but not the way it's done.

You know....

...she could have just got a lock of his hair instead for fucking the guy? Any comptetent investigator would know that.

Fucking the guy was narratively necessary but entirely unbelievable, when an alternative that's as easy as cutting a lock of his hair would do. Hell, she could have drugged him and taken a vial of blood. The fucking of the dude was fairly gratuitous.

But otherwise, not too bad.

Striking piece of work

About as Noir as you can get. I prefer humour to horror but this is still five stars.

I want to like this story

but Pia and Kelly are both rocking "stangstar female" levels of stupidity. It really makes what could be a decent read into a slog for me.

As pointed out by others actually fucking Tedesco is probably one of the more difficult ways to acquire his DNA. If, in any future stories, you can have the characters come to grips with the fact that Kelly WANTED to fuck him Id be very impressed.

I Think

Him moving to a New Town and Her joining him would be a Great Way. To Keep them together and Donuts and Food Stains would never catch on .

I just couldn't get over the fact

That Kelly fucked him for his DNA , that simply killed it for me . All of the rest of it just deflated from there . As others have said ( hair , saliva , toothbrush , comb ) there's myriads of ways , but no , you wrote her doing the ONE thing that will take the starch out of our protag.
This was , for me anyway , Noir lite . On this site , Todd172 rocks this sub genre . Of course , everyone has their strong suites . To me , your stories like The Old Man and the Sea , and The Short Happy Life of Island Bill , among many others are Yours ! Those are two of the very best short stories I've ever read anywhere . So while I always appreciate everthing you post , and kudos for taking risks and exploring new areas , this kind of left me sad that it turned out as it did. Of course it still rates 5 *'s for me . Because , after all , you made my personal top ten list that was conducted a few months back in the comments section of an ImHapless story , so there's that . lol.

@LSD

It was a slow night in LW. You can say that again. Only this one was even considered reading material. Why the rest were even posted boggles the normal mind.
There were so many things in this story that raised my hackles. The one that puzzled me to death, was the method used to collect DNA from the murderer. If it was written in to irritate the reader the author succeeded. This author has written better stories but one can't expect 100% all the time. You're forgiven this time. lol 4*

Good story as usual - but

The ending seemed rushed. Too many loose ends.

I enjoyed it.

As far as continuing the story? Go ahead, violate the rules!

Another well written story

Whether or not you continue with these two is up to you. I'll read anything you write. That being said, I have a couple of issues lurking within this dark tale. I found it hard to swallow that a fiery Italian woman wouldn't have gone straight to the cops or the hospital after Tedesco raped her the first time. Thereby ending his career, sending him to prison and saving her marriage. And when Kelly fucks Tedesco for the evidence, any chance she had of getting together with Joey flew out the door. I just didn't think that Joey was the type of man to overlook the coldness it took to do that, regardless of the circumstances. The film noir reference was great. Just watched Sunset Blvd. on TCM the other day. Good stuff. Keep up the good work. Thanks for the story.

I have to agree...

...with all those who criticize your depiction of the detectives and their incompetency here. Additionally, since our hero was a military cop and now runs a security/investigation company, they would ALL have clearly know the alternative means of collecting the dude's DNA - without question. Hell, she could simply have cold-cocked the idiot in the bar while he was trying to buy her a drink and all she'd have had to do was to have grabbed a handkerchief and blot his bleeding nose once while stammering apologies about seeing someone else she thought was a known stalker of hers and hitting him by mistake.

They bartender and bouncers would have bought it, and he'd have never known the difference as he was being taken somewhere to tend to his bleeding/broken nose. (Except of course that, asshole that he was, he'd have definitely tried to get her info so he could sue her - and put her at a disadvantage so he could arrange fuck her later.) ...and how is it he could not remember to say "a gorgeous REDHEAD WITH LONG SWIRLING HAIR and EMERALD GREEN EYES" when trying to describe her to the police?! Was that so hard a description to come up with?! Despite the relative plethora of them appearing in Literotica stories, there just plain aren't that many of those rare birds actually flying around out in the wild!

So, yeah as noir, it wasn't that horrid, but it really fails to stand up as a detective/suspense story. Perhaps if you'd have set it in a much earlier time period, say 40-50 years ago, but not in current times (except then there's the whole DNA thing down in flames).
I still gave you a 5* for this, but the story has serious issues it fails to overcome.

Oh, and one more thing...

the title doesn't track with the story in an manner, shape or form either.
Her death is sudden, right long side the instantaneous death of their marriage, and the asshole is dealt with in a very snap-pow manner too. So, where are these long goodbyes we're promised in the title again?
If anything, this is much more a prolonged "hello" to a new romance between boss and employee here rather than anything else being prolonged.
...just sayin.

- GrandPaM

Good Read, Careless Account

As GrampsM points out, the DNA issue was clumsy and Sweetie Tigress would easily have seen the potential car-wreck of getting it the intimate way. There are also another Baker's Dozen or so clumsy issues scattered throughout the tale. Painting the cops as terminally inept and lazy is ... (wait for it) ... LAZY (and inept!). U can do better!

4*

Same as cat in rain and others by dtiverson

Cat in rain and others you have shared are basically same story. Woman who is so sexual she cannot say no once wound up the proper way. In this case she succumbed to rape. When he jammed his finger into her she was aroused by that and was his slave thereon forever after. Does she also fuck people on the L she runs into? More plausible the L sex happens than she continues on with her rapist.She was raped. Violently. Your story has her forget that. Didmshe deserve it?
Like cat in rain there is a gorgeous assistant, who although amazing, is pining away for boss.
Will not join in on silliness of portrayal of police. Watch csi for tips on how any violent death is handled.
The one person she calls is the person she hates and caused the breakup. She deserved to die for stupidity. Did she feel sage advice was coming.
Would love for, you to throw out all your, old standbys and try a whole different type of story.
1 star for portrayal of rape into wanton lust for her rapist.

could have been good

but the whole cast of character were just too stupid to take seriously
pia, touch her pussy and she'l let you rape her,. dumb slut.
kelly, had to fuck him? i suppose easier than stealing his toothbrush, comb etc etc
the two cops, no csi? fuckin dipshits.
tedesco, a lawyer? fucks a woman (no condom) then beats her to death. hey whos to know?
and joey? gormless meathead. clueless cuckold overly macho and just generally unlikeable character.

Not rating this offering.

Too many to unbelievably stupid characters.

Homicide detectives that don't do basic CSI?

Kelly fucks a raping murderer to get DNA?

Pia is so pathetically stupid, out of control and weak that anyone can just rape her?

I often like your work but this was far too unbelievable on too many levels.

List of extremely stupid characters, Donuts and Food stains, Kelly, Pia, John.

I almost included Joey but aside from loving extremely stupid sluts like Pia and Kelly, he didn't come off too bad.

Going to gargle with my wife's pussy to get the taste of this story out of my mouth.

I might lick her asshole clean because it would taste better than what was just offered.

Sorry. Pretty bad story because of unbelievably idiotic characters.

Superb!!!

Great writing combined with great characters, what more can anyone ask for? I suppose a great story to showcase both would be nice, and the author certainly provided that as well!
Please, more about these two. And yes, they need to get together as a couple, they deserve that as no one else could possibly connect to either character as closely as there two are to each other.

Predictable

Everything was obvious right from the get go. No drama, no mystery, no emotional interplay.

Another thing

Aside from the blatantly stupid characters in this story,

Kelly apparently LOVED getting fucked by a murdering rapist!

She had her fucking mind blown so how is poor old Joey supposed to stack up with that experience? His own wife couldn't resist after getting raped by this guy with an apparently magic dong that fucks all women senseless!

Again, she could have rendered him unconscious and obtained all the DNA she needed or stolen some hair samples and a toothbrush and taken off.

Her fucking such a vile person was totally off track and unnecessary. Her enjoyment of getting fucked by such a disgusting person made her deranged.

I hope Joey never touches her and lets her know that giving herself to the seducer, rapist and murderer of his wife killed any romantic notion he had for the stupid slut.

Are you guys serious?

OK so it wasn't perfect. Compare it with the adolescent drivel we otherwise have to read and then show some gratitude to a writer who at least has some mature insights into human nature, can construct a grammatical sentence and uses the right word in the right place.

Too Much

Beating her to death and fucking him up was too much. Better would be for her to slowly come to the realization that she is what she is: just another attractive woman who is used to getting her way because of the way she looks, and a woman who should have been more careful for what she asked for in life. The smart move is to force her to file sexual harassment/rape charges against Tedesco in the guise of save the marriage. Then once Tedesco is screwed, dump the little whore and spread the word that she is a tramp to friends and family. Let her live out her days with a big red A on her face.

A good, 5* read

Yeah. I think we need more about this couple.

I think they need some children.

That'll keep them busy!