by michaellajones
So badly written as to be laughable. First to third person without even a notice, a first person narrator knows what others are thinking, an almost total lack of understanding of punctuation, cardboard cutout characters, interminable set up and a cheap pop at then end. Not for me; I skimmed after the second page.
Way to many words in this story. Most of them didn't say anything that advanced the story. Dull, dull, and then, bang. The last page should have been the second page. The wife was just a cartoon character and the other characters were Italian stereotypes. I quit after the first page and just read the end.
You story was a very long winded but very enjoyable Maybe an editor would help. Thanks for sharing.
You could've easily done this in two pages. Way too much time devoted to side characters that didn't really mean anything, and too much of the husband pretending everything was fine with the wife. And then there's that ending. All that sizzle for such a tiny little steak; not at all worth reading through five pages of largely pointless filler.
I won't even get into the so-so quality of the writing itself; I think Kimi covered that rather well.
Gave it a 2 because I feel kinda cheated after reading it. Wish I could have my time back. You very nearly got a 1 when you had Terri say that Connie "deserved" a chance to explain herself and Sal immediately relented. Why did she "deserve" a chance? For being faithful all the years before her "mistake"? Well Sal was faithful the entire time and what did that get him?
Like I said, that very nearly made me drop a 1 on the story. But by that point there wasn't much of the story left and all other signs still pointed to him ridding himself of the parasite, so I kept reading. Lackluster as the ending was, it was still better than RAAC, so I tacked on another star.
poorly constructed, poorly formulated, poorly articulated, poorly researched. A cheap and unconvincing copy of a typical US submission in this genre. An adolescent fantasy predicated on 'macho man' responses. No redeeming features whatsoever. Unworthy of the readership.
that is the coin of the realm you pay them with. TK U MLJ LV NV
...but it lost must with first to third person and without regard to past, present or future tense. Punctuation, often times lax on Lit, actually made the story difficult to follow at times.
That being said, I learned my friends all knew of my cheating wife. Rather than listen to her excuses, I left town. Five years later I heard she had given up waiting and had divorced me. She remarried within a year and here is the funny thing. That old adage about once a cheater always a cheater? From what I understand, she has been true to her husband, never straying. They had three kids, already graduated from college now, while I never remarried.
My friends? I never spoke to them again. My ex, the same thing even though she stopped by my work about ten years after our divorce and I refused to see her.
Message taken.
In the story he was shot with a taser while he penetrated her. That would mean she got the electric shock too through his penis, which must have hurt a lot. The writer missed that!
Well kimi........i've watch you slaughter others stories and yet see nothing as far as you contributing any stories. What a pussy.......and a superficial human.
First, practice your writing. Particularly, learn the differences between first and third person. It doesn't pay to switch between the two. Second, get an editor. Third, do some reading on women, and why they do what they do. "I bought his line of bullshit" is not a reason that women cheat. That's just the author's excuse for the story. You need to come up with a more realistic premise.
"Grabbing his overnight bag he strode towards the garage. Breathing a huge sigh of relief I slid the key in" is a direct quote. It can't be both "he" and "I" when talking about the same person. In first person, you cannot reveal the thoughts of others after you leave the room.
I liked it. A classic cheat and revenge story.
It seems that the female writers from England are much less accepting of betrayal than the male writers💂🔫🇱🇴🇱❗
Well written dialogue. Consistent behavior by the characters. The emotional connection with your protagonist Sal is strong. I readily identified with him !
An editor (editors) is needed. Those errors didn't detract from the story. Gave you 4*s🎭 !!
Michaellajones, I hope you continue this with a second part. I would like to read more about Sal, his family, and new woman. A couple of different women mentioned in this story could be dating material for Sal, lol. It may be romance or continue as lovingwife,sic.
Thank you for the read😃.
AMerryman
This does not belong in Loving Wives. Your so-called hero is nothing more than a completely utterly disgusting criminal creep. Why couldn't the misogynist arsehole just divorce her? Oh no, he had to carry on with his criminal violence. He should be in jail, & if the author truly believes in this crap, she/he needs psychiatric help. If I could give a minus score, i would.
I got bored with this angry rant. Not erotic and not entertaining.
💥 Pow
🌬 Blows
🍝 Spaghetti
Don't listen to the haters, they are just mad because you didn't include a scene with the main character sucking cum out of the cheating bitch.
Great job!
Watching his wife having sex with her lover and will do nothing because he is a pussy! "Now dear, you shouldn't do that. If you don't stop, I will have to divorce you...If that's ok with you dear..."
Don't let the anger and descent of those little cuckolds bother you. Cuckold would never and I mean never understand any thing other than slurping their wife's lovers cum. 5 stars
You nailed it Dude! Great BTB STORY, something only Italians or southern rednecks would understand. My wife screws around, she's a slut pure, plain & simple; & she & the other guy are going down as hard & fast as possible as consistent with me staying out of jail. But this being said, you could use an editor, you changed POV at least 4 times, rather disconcerting, breaks up the rhythm of the narrative.
The premise wasn't the worst presented in LW stories.
And considering the number of stories (most scoring quite well) written by the author, this effort is somewhat disappointing, for a number of reasons;
- Constantly changing the POV from first- to third-party
- Changing the narrator from Sal to Connie in the same paragraph
- Needed to better separate the 'Connie meeting Tony' part from the rest of the story, could also have been better placed
- Too many inconsistencies in the story line, too many holes
- Too wordy.
A good editor could have polished the story, changing it from hard to read, to 5 stars.
Sadly just 3 stars for me, but keep writing and ...
GET AN EDITOR
Kimi got it right: the story erratically changed from 1st person to 3rd and back, sometimes in one paragraph. The parts in 3rd person were written as if all the characters' thoughts were open to the narrator. The characters were cliches at best. The revenge was primitive violence - nothing subtle, nothing well-planned.
Why does this merit more than 4 stars? Not from my POV! (so: BTB-crowd, call me a cuck!)
don't like these kind of stories but this was so well told that i loved it. If only these things happen more in live imagine the how great things would be. Well a person can dream.
Even in England transferring his assets is a crime, will she have the ball to go for half. And alimony or is she scared shitless and just sign off ang become a homeless whore.
So was SKHP. I hate cuck stories and don't read them. That doesn't mean I love bad BTB stories. This is not a bad story, but it is badly written. I want cheaters to suffer for cheating, but getting there took some serious hits on all those detours we went on.
Can an author just post any old thing, and as long as the bitch is burnt, it's all good? Not with me. That's the Huedog line. Violence makes everything okay? Bad writing is excused as long as the bitch is burnt? It just makes those of us who enjoy stories with drama and consequences look like fools. I'll give it an extra star for not making cheating look like fun, but that just gets it to three stars. I want the author to keep writing, but clean the writing up by getting an EDITOR.
Admittedly terribly written from every measurable aspect of literacy and writer's craft,
but sheesh, everybody has to start somewhere!
Remember, in just a few very short years this fledgling writer is going to graduate high school and hopefully will have the basics of fiction composition revealed somewhere along the way.
On the positive side, after displaying a readiness to utilize a systematic approach to bullying, psychotic zeal in deploying likewise-thinking henchmen and a sociopathic thoroughness regarding his concept of justice, this kid could very well aspire to the Presidency of our country!
. . . but this wasn't steak and potatoes. Normally I like a story with full background material so the conclusion is well supported. To my taste this one is over done, certainly not a rare steak. Two pages rather than five should be enough.
There also seems a confusion of voice in the telling of this tale. It wasn't Brit nor Italian. There seemed a bit of Long Island, maybe Brooklyn thrown in. I know I am not a burn the bitch sort of person. That fact may have influenced how I digested the tale. All I can offer Michaella Jones, is try one more rewrite or assume that there will be some who like the story style and some who don't. I do thank you for your effort and for sharing with us.
The story was engaging and entertaining. I'm glad you gave us the confrontation scene. The kidnapping was reminiscent of the Al Pacino scene in the Italian restaurant where the police chief was killed. Great tension.
The point of view shifts were jarring. I suppose they were necessary for the story. (maybe not). This was BTB. Those are okay. You will see that the audience is divided between Cuck, BTB, and Reconciliation. I personally like the misdiagnosed affair, and reconciliation that was earned, but I can enjoy anything well written. Thank you for an entertaining story.
Your best story for sure. Five stars.
You should write more like this.
A very good story, and with a moral lesson: Always follow your Granma six sense...4*
By FAR the best story of its kind. I'm at a loss to describe it. It's not your typical 'loving wives', it doesn't contain enough love for that. I stared writing 'revenge' but its not quite right. I wrote getting-even-with-a-cheat, but the story makes it clear that you can never quite 'get even'. There's not sappy making up. He is hurt beyond belief in a way you'd only understand if you've been there. It turned my guts into knots, but I had to finish it.
Until the last 3 paragraphs I hoped for more chapters... then you chose the PERFECT parting shot: no sequel needed.
Neither the husband nor the wife were likeable characters and the whole Sicilian things is cliché.
I don't cotton to anyone cheating in a marriage. They both got what they deserved.
She-it man! As i see it there are no winners here in this story! A cheating whore! An angry husband! A predator who got what's coming to him! They all lost? Please Peoples! I am a firm believer in second Life chances? So she cheated on him She got a scare trust me she would never do that again! GIVE THEM A SECOND CHANCE PLEEEEEEEEEZE! Love you all! GREG. OH 100 % OF READING ENJOYMENT BYE.
If she was habitual, that'd be one thing, but she obviously screwed up once. All the BTB guys love this stuff, but it is too cruel for me. Just go, don't rub it in and scream names at her. Feel better now? It's like beating a little puppy.
Very thought provoking and well crafted. I think you did an exceptional job of identifying and relating the intellectual and emotional components of these failed personalities.
From the very beginning you alluded to the tenuous nature of their marriage: "We met, partied and had fun for almost two years before we took the plunge and got married." To take a plunge is to commit an act about which you are uncertain or even dubious of its success. From the very beginning their relationship seems shallow and cavalier. No mention of long term plans, children, career. Hey, so far so good, let's see what being married is like.
The grandmother's uncertainty was perfectly cast: "How do women know or feel these things? It is beyond me." What the grandmother saw is obvious. Connie had two major flaws: she was spoiled, and she was immature. And her husband was blind! And what are some of the character flaws of the immature and spoiled person? Selfishness, entitlement, lack of discipline, and thoughtlessness. And boredom. Give these traits to a beautiful spoiled woman, and as was played out in the story, its only a matter of when, not if. Grandma could see it; he didn't want to see it.
Of course the husband unwittingly encouraged his wife's sense of entitlement, and invited her disrespect for his lack of common sense: "Terri got along with Connie and they often spent days out spending vast amounts of money shopping for god knows what and taking a long time doing it. All I ever saw were the large bags that came through the door with Connie after one of those expeditions." Really, your marriage partner is pissing away your money and you don't even know or care what its for? Why would Connie even think she might get caught, her husband sees her mostly as some trophy or fuck toy. He treats her like a privileged child, so why should he be surprised when Connie decides she wants to have her cake and eat too?
When the poor dufus husband finally figures out his wife has become another man's slut, you spend the rest of the story on an over the top revenge and BTB scenario, which I applaud. I mean, you broke both of Tony's arms and both his legs. Two plus two equal 5 in this case; good job.
Incredibly, the person I feel most sorry for is Connie. She never changed or acted out of character. She was a selfish thoughtless bitch her entire marriage, and her husband not only tolerated her self indulgence, he rewarded it. He has only himself to blame for hooking up with a woman totally ill equipped for the commitment and personal responsibility required for a successful marriage. Connie was a babe in Toyland, and she saw no great harm in having an exciting playmate in addition to her husband. The affair really didn't mean anything to her, because she lacked the empathy and soul to understand what she was doing to her husband and her marriage. Connie wasn't innocent, she was ignorant. Grandma saw that too.
A very well thought out portrayal of human frailty and failure, on the part of several characters. Phil and Terrie totally fucked him over by letting Connie get away with it. His staying friends with them is unthinkable.
Thank you for your time and talent. And thank you for allowing anonymous comments. It takes real confidence to want to know what Everyone thinks.
When she asked is there a way back all he needed to say was NO. All the ranting
wasn't necessary, nor did he need to express his feelings about her betrayal.
He pulled pulled his mask off so she would see that it was him.on the last page you had her just recognizing that it was him by his finger gun mimic.
And if violence is your reaction, then it tells me there was a reason she cheated and its not because he was a good man.
A man resorts to violence to protect those he loves, not to react like some Islamic jihadist.
Yes the story is familiar as are many of them posted here your posting is familiar too I will not go back and try to find when it was first posted but could you try a little imagination in your ranting. Writer I enjoyed the story but as said I enjoyed the other version more so 4*s.
You need some serious help to get you to write in a more adult manner. You got the scenario and the level of violence is a personal judgment but the writing and style need some serious assistance. It was a BTB and that approach is a personal taste. The story line and choice of words used is third rate.
Tiny Tim
A lot of obvious effort but this just falls flat. Made worse by too many rambling thoughts and conflicting emotions. Its already been said but I need to repeat: get an editor. This became a jumble of massive paragraphs near the end. Almost as if you wanted to get it over and done with.
He should have confronted her, cut his losses, and moved on. Karma is a bitch but we don't get to volunteer to be its instrument.
I found this to be an interesting read. The actual story line was good, even if it did have all the problems many have pointed out. I thought there was a big gap between the quality of the story and the quality of the writing.
A quick check of your Bio showed you’re no beginner, so I read Frank’s party, to see if you have always been slack on your writing craft. Apparently you have. I disagree with those who said you need an editor—at least not right now. The first thing you need is to spend a lot of time in the writers resources category here on Lit.
I repeat—you can come up with a really good story; now you need to get it on paper in an easily readable form. 3 stars from me.
Your writing was masterful but painful. I was hoping to the bitter end that reconciliation was possible. Many years ago I succumbed to lust and temptation and had an affair with my secretary. I cut it off almost as soon as it started. Not being able to live with a lie, I made the mistake of confessing it to my wife. She got even by revenge fucking a guy and telling me. Then we separated for a year. Eventually, we couldn't live without each other. We remarried. That was twelve years ago and we work to keep our marriage fresh and alive. I say this as I believe some of the qualities of love are forgiveness and reconciliation. Love to see another chapter with Connie and Sal working things out. With your writing skills you could make that plausible. Solid five for your writing and showing the ugly consequences of cheating.
I could only manage to skim this as the writing was so awful, but one thing struck me about her cheating - that she was able to continue when she knew that their friends knew about it!
decide if you want to write in first person or third person. I could not finish as it got too hard with it jumping around.
Apart from not being able to finish reading, the writing is not too bad.
As a man and husband, I have just a small amount of understanding of a wife's attraction to a "bad boy," and this story's wife was repeatedly warned about this guy yet remained determined to cheat. I certainly can't condone any wife cheating, but I do understand the illicit attraction having felt it myself many times. Your character took it way too far, and paid an horrific price. I prefer to see a wife left with just enough resources to survive rather than being completely reduced to being penniless and homeless. I'm no fan of forgiveness and reunification either, just a bit less harsh once the divorce is finalized. Honestly, there are just no real cures for these problems. I've enjoyed your stories, and give them 5 stars for that. Thanks.
I loved the story but the author's indecision as to first or third person presentation offered annoying distractions in the flow. I felt the ending was abrupt and this story felt somewhat incomplete as many great stories do. However, I have complete access to the author to plead my case. So, add a part two or epilogue either reconciling or finding romance and success for the protagonist and pain and suffering for the adulteress and her accomplice in cheating. I rated this story a very reluctant five stars.
But the absolute worst technical writing I have ever read. Your best approach should be limited to telling your story to someone to write for you who has a basic understanding of the English language.
Looked like an excuse to rant and rage from a character. With all the JD, no wonder things were off at home. Left me cold.
Dear Mr Hyde,
We need to get in touch with Dr Jeckyll, whose stories we like very much.
Could you please help us find his new contact info?
Your early action in this matter would be much appreciated.
Sincerely,
Voyeur Husbands Anonymous
Niagara-on-the-Lake Chapter
Needs more. The bastard needs more physical and mental torture until he is a wasted shell of a man. A enuch afraid of even seeing a woman again.
Scarred and deformed such that anyone seeing him would scream in disgust.
Now as for the vile evil cheating bitch wife, worse for her heh?
To much?
It's clear that the predominant writers posting on Literotica are male. I have only read about wives cheating and husbands' reactions - from acceptance to - like this story - revenge just short of murder.
What I have NOT read or found so far, is the flip side of the coin. How a wife would feel/react to her husband's infidelity. That perspective is sadly missing on this site! Unfortunate - it would be interesting and even educational to have that viewpoint revealed and scrutinized. Even be a balancing, if you will, to the stories now posted here...
In regards to the previous post by Anonymous 04/04/17 (who probably is a female), about the lack of stories where the betrayed wife takes similar actions against her cheating husband is that stories like these strike a nerve with many men who have experienced betrayal by their (ex-)wives and to read about how the betrayed husband gets his revenge over his cheating wife and her lover, it is a cathartic experience they can find nowhere else.
So she cheated, divorce her ass and be done, the pointing his finger at her and going click at the door was over the top. The beating was maybe acceptable , now what. Does she get half his assets or the threat and fear make her sign off on his divorce settlement. She is paying for her cheating . His losses a wife he so call loves. You could have ending this better.
Connie got what she deserved she could never be trusted by him again, so the marriage had to end. The lothario got his just deserts saving possibly any further female from his clutches hopefully.
Further to the comment by some other critic that there are no story's for he wife's revenge on a cheating husband they need to look closer there are some but not as many as for cheating wives.
...made almost impossible to read by the lack of punctuation. Authors, learn basic punctuation. A great story can be rendered terrible and a mediocre story can be great, due to good editing. A comma isn't placed where we naturally take a breath. It is to bring two stand-alone sentences together.
This story could have been a 5 and I gave it a 2.
Cut out every 'had', 'that' and 'but.' Every. Single. One. Then reread the story and realize how good it can be.
mafia wannabes, kidnapping, balaclavas, guns! To deal with a cheating wife? no wonder she cheated she's surrounded by an incestuous bunch of cowardly fuckwits.
i suppose the annony BTB woman hating crowd will be in raptures over this! they will love the fact he put a gun to a womans head and pulled the trigger, bravo (slow hand clap)
Change Sal and Carlo's ancestry to Saudi Arabia, and this story would put you in jail in the UK, where candidates standing for parliament (US translation - "running for congress") get put in jail for quoting Sir Winston Churchill's book on the evils of islam! But it's perfectly okay to libel Italian-Englishmen!!!
Class Snob!!! I'm going to rate all your stories 1 star!
And pay attention to Kimi--pick a person: 1st, 2nd or 3rd, singular or plural and try to limit it to only one of them per paragraph! Then when you've graduated from crayons to pen, you can try to stretch it out for the entire piece of offal!
Gets Caught and all anyone can say is Whoa is Me. She is lucky to get of so easily. He could have shot her and him in the Head. been done and over with. instead he made sure they both remember for a long time the Cost of being Stupid.
and Sal, Carlos, and company were nothing more than terrorists. There were no sympathetic characters in this long, long story. I appreciate consequences stories but this was not that at all. If it were Sal would be doing hard time. It was grotesque.
Perhaps it was meant as a satire that failed.
Read a few dumb asses that are saying that your story is too grotesque, they have never been hurt by a bitch....
Continue, nice story.
Thanks.
This was a well written story that's what the bitch get .Stop all the soft pussy commenting especially the terrorism comment. I'm sure bitches stomp all over your poodle ass .Good job Author don't let these wanna be critics stop you're talent.
You developed the characters well, and the plot played out logically. Okay, so it's a bit fantastic that Sal has these family members to back him up. But hey, it's fiction, right? I enjoyed it.
Is fun to read about -- and rarely happens in real life (50/50 asset split, woman usually gets custody of any kids in a contentious divorce, ex-husband pays child and spousal support, etc.).
There's a lot of truth to "living well is the best revenge," but the comeuppance dealt out in stories like this is a refreshing change from a lot of RAAC stories here on Lit.
Thanks!
Entertaining. made me remember electrical demonstration from primary school with a hand cranked generator and classmates holding hands. the first one gets the juice but the last one got the shock. Where were they connected?
You are bored?????? Bitch, you've never contributed shit in literotica and you are bored? What a fucking moron and with a smart ass attitude. Fuck Off Bitch!!!
Was mystifying. Claiming Connie simply made a mistake.
A one time thing perhaps could be viewed that way. Teri knew better. She repeatedly warned Connie to no avail, so Teri's request includind the she made a mistake comment just does not fit
Kinda bad. Sounds like because he is Italian he is mob guy. All Italians are not like that. Stereotypical.
Come on guys. This the revenge every fucking cuckolded husband dreams of. He destroyed the cheater and her lover. I love how he put the fear of God in her with the click of the gun on the empty slot. At that instant, you can sense what real fear is about. Fear is real and we all feel it. Courage is the capacity of overriding your fear and face it. I don't think Connie or Tony will ever have the will to do that. Sal is the man. He had help, but everybody can use friends and family. This story is not for faint of heart or the wimpy cuckold. I love it!
Did you make Sal such a wimp ass. You saw the pictures had his plan had the divorce papers and he is still sobbing. Weeks after he saw the picture by then he should have cycle through the stages past wimping out and needing to suckable down the JD. Why don't you just write a man?
Why did you make Sal out to be such a wimp Ass. He couldn't be man enough to take her back knowing he would be better off with her than without her. She has paid. Now it is time to forgive and get on with your life. If you love someone you have the capacity to forgive. One action such as this is not enough to kill the love.
Now Tony is another story. I want to know what continues to happen to him.
This is one hell of a Grand Slam B.T.B. story! It goes without saying! Great Story a few typo errors ! Here's one Tonty (maybe tony was a pony and she nickname him Tonty) Anyway Thanks for sharing this Fantastic story with us! ★★★★★ WOOF
but isn't that what we like occasionally? I do agree with the poster who said that only men get revenge on their wives in this section but. Loving Wives? Get it, not loving husbands or cuckolding for all. Maybe some of you can petition Lit. to get these sections. I would like the cuck and suck stories to fade back into the background. But that's just me. I didn't think it was that badly written. I had no trouble following the story or reading the sentences. Too wordy? I don't know about that. Some people are more concise in their writing than others. Style, right? And some people don't need mob connections to stage an op. If his name would have been Sheamus it would have been the same.
I liked it. Would have liked it better if he had had a round in the chamber (cuz this is just a story) but realize the unpleasant consequences of that. Still...oh well 5*s.
Why is it that the BTB stories get high marks regardless of how well they are written? The terrible punctuation and run on sentences made this a very difficult read.
Stupid macho shit. Bruised male ego, childish retribution. Definitely never really loved his wife she was just a posession like the women in Saudi Arabia. She made a mistake now she must pay. If it had been him he would have expected forgiveness. Stupid meaningless drivel.
Wait till it happens to you.... I'd pay good money to see how forgiving you are
The writer has got to be pregnant. It is obvious by the myriad of missing periods.
Tony deserves to be beaten to within an inch of his life. And maybe even castrated or given a poor man's penectomy (have his penis cut off).
One thing that bothers me about the divorce laws in the United States is that the husband is always dealt with more harshly by the divorce court judge than the bastard who caused the destruction of the marriage. He is every bit as guilty as the man who breaks and enters a man's home and steals from him. After all, the interloper has broken into his marriage and destroyed it. He has stolen the man's wife, ruined his life, caused terrible emotional damage, destroyed the husband's hopes and dreams of a future. But, yet, the other man usually faces no repercussions. And although the other man is responsible for the destruction of the marriage, it is the victimized husband that the judge orders to pay for court-ordered marriage counseling. That is obviously the other man's financial responsibility. And the other man should have to reimburse the husband for every penny he has to pay to the wife that was stolen from the husband. I should be a divorce court judge.
1* is the least score but - it is well deserved!
Very unorganized, too long,and full of shit. He told us he was going to kick her to the curb in the beginning. Why all the mindless words about planning.
That’s the way to do it. All the divorced guys I know would have loved to do the same.
Nicely written. I am always disgusted by those stories that have guys becoming man-bitches to their wives fucking around on them. I was only cheated on once in my life and I simply cut it off and left. After about 6 months of planning, THEN I started my revenge. I wanted to make sure I was no longer emotionally charged like right after it happened. It was great and I can honestly say....
Revenge is a dish best served COLD.
That pretty much says it all. Thank you.