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Connie's Betrayal

bymichaellajones©
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Comments (106)
by Anonymous

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by Anonymous03/06/17

Way too wordy. Gave up before page 1 ended.

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by kimi199003/06/17

False bravado

So badly written as to be laughable. First to third person without even a notice, a first person narrator knows what others are thinking, an almost total lack of understanding of punctuation, cardboard cutout characters, interminable set up and a cheap pop at then end. Not for me; I skimmed after the second page.

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by Anonymous03/06/17

I agree with Kimi

Way to many words in this story. Most of them didn't say anything that advanced the story. Dull, dull, and then, bang. The last page should have been the second page. The wife was just a cartoon character and the other characters were Italian stereotypes. I quit after the first page and just read the end.

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by chytown03/06/17

Good Read****

You story was a very long winded but very enjoyable Maybe an editor would help. Thanks for sharing.

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by SystemShock03/06/17

Way too wordy

You could've easily done this in two pages. Way too much time devoted to side characters that didn't really mean anything, and too much of the husband pretending everything was fine with the wife. And then there's that ending. All that sizzle for such a tiny little steak; not at all worth reading through five pages of largely pointless filler.

I won't even get into the so-so quality of the writing itself; I think Kimi covered that rather well.

Gave it a 2 because I feel kinda cheated after reading it. Wish I could have my time back. You very nearly got a 1 when you had Terri say that Connie "deserved" a chance to explain herself and Sal immediately relented. Why did she "deserve" a chance? For being faithful all the years before her "mistake"? Well Sal was faithful the entire time and what did that get him?

Like I said, that very nearly made me drop a 1 on the story. But by that point there wasn't much of the story left and all other signs still pointed to him ridding himself of the parasite, so I kept reading. Lackluster as the ending was, it was still better than RAAC, so I tacked on another star.

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by Anonymous03/06/17

Pastiche

poorly constructed, poorly formulated, poorly articulated, poorly researched. A cheap and unconvincing copy of a typical US submission in this genre. An adolescent fantasy predicated on 'macho man' responses. No redeeming features whatsoever. Unworthy of the readership.

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by tazz31703/06/17

IF PEOPLE ONLY UNDERSTAND BRUTALITY

that is the coin of the realm you pay them with. TK U MLJ LV NV

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by Anonymous03/06/17

It was a great story...

...but it lost must with first to third person and without regard to past, present or future tense. Punctuation, often times lax on Lit, actually made the story difficult to follow at times.

That being said, I learned my friends all knew of my cheating wife. Rather than listen to her excuses, I left town. Five years later I heard she had given up waiting and had divorced me. She remarried within a year and here is the funny thing. That old adage about once a cheater always a cheater? From what I understand, she has been true to her husband, never straying. They had three kids, already graduated from college now, while I never remarried.

My friends? I never spoke to them again. My ex, the same thing even though she stopped by my work about ten years after our divorce and I refused to see her.

Message taken.

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by Anonymous03/06/17

Taser

In the story he was shot with a taser while he penetrated her. That would mean she got the electric shock too through his penis, which must have hurt a lot. The writer missed that!

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by Anonymous03/06/17

Kimi Is Wrong

Well kimi........i've watch you slaughter others stories and yet see nothing as far as you contributing any stories. What a pussy.......and a superficial human.

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by MaFrepler03/06/17

Some suggestions

First, practice your writing. Particularly, learn the differences between first and third person. It doesn't pay to switch between the two. Second, get an editor. Third, do some reading on women, and why they do what they do. "I bought his line of bullshit" is not a reason that women cheat. That's just the author's excuse for the story. You need to come up with a more realistic premise.

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by Anonymous03/06/17

An example of POV probelms.

"Grabbing his overnight bag he strode towards the garage. Breathing a huge sigh of relief I slid the key in" is a direct quote. It can't be both "he" and "I" when talking about the same person. In first person, you cannot reveal the thoughts of others after you leave the room.

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by Anonymous03/06/17

4*s

I liked it. A classic cheat and revenge story.
It seems that the female writers from England are much less accepting of betrayal than the male writers💂🔫🇱🇴🇱❗
Well written dialogue. Consistent behavior by the characters. The emotional connection with your protagonist Sal is strong. I readily identified with him !
An editor (editors) is needed. Those errors didn't detract from the story. Gave you 4*s🎭 !!

Michaellajones, I hope you continue this with a second part. I would like to read more about Sal, his family, and new woman. A couple of different women mentioned in this story could be dating material for Sal, lol. It may be romance or continue as lovingwife,sic.
Thank you for the read😃.


AMerryman

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by 0zed03/06/17

Great Story

A little too long, but a good read none the less!

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by Xzy89c103/06/17

Good read

Loved the italian aspect.

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by ken philips03/06/17

What a godawful story featuring the most disgusting criminal as the main character

This does not belong in Loving Wives. Your so-called hero is nothing more than a completely utterly disgusting criminal creep. Why couldn't the misogynist arsehole just divorce her? Oh no, he had to carry on with his criminal violence. He should be in jail, & if the author truly believes in this crap, she/he needs psychiatric help. If I could give a minus score, i would.

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by Anonymous03/06/17

Tiresome

I got bored with this angry rant. Not erotic and not entertaining.

💥 Pow
🌬 Blows
🍝 Spaghetti

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by SyrustheVirus03/06/17

Don't listen to the haters, they are just mad because you didn't include a scene with the main character sucking cum out of the cheating bitch.

Great job!

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by ScorpioJJ03/06/17

Ken Philips sits in a chair

Watching his wife having sex with her lover and will do nothing because he is a pussy! "Now dear, you shouldn't do that. If you don't stop, I will have to divorce you...If that's ok with you dear..."

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by Huedogg203/06/17

Damn fine story

Don't let the anger and descent of those little cuckolds bother you. Cuckold would never and I mean never understand any thing other than slurping their wife's lovers cum. 5 stars

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by Simepop03/06/17

Great BTB story

You nailed it Dude! Great BTB STORY, something only Italians or southern rednecks would understand. My wife screws around, she's a slut pure, plain & simple; & she & the other guy are going down as hard & fast as possible as consistent with me staying out of jail. But this being said, you could use an editor, you changed POV at least 4 times, rather disconcerting, breaks up the rhythm of the narrative.

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by Anonymous03/06/17

Need a good editor

The premise wasn't the worst presented in LW stories.
And considering the number of stories (most scoring quite well) written by the author, this effort is somewhat disappointing, for a number of reasons;
- Constantly changing the POV from first- to third-party
- Changing the narrator from Sal to Connie in the same paragraph
- Needed to better separate the 'Connie meeting Tony' part from the rest of the story, could also have been better placed
- Too many inconsistencies in the story line, too many holes
- Too wordy.
A good editor could have polished the story, changing it from hard to read, to 5 stars.
Sadly just 3 stars for me, but keep writing and ...
GET AN EDITOR

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by SKHP03/06/17

Why is BTB content equal to a good story?

Kimi got it right: the story erratically changed from 1st person to 3rd and back, sometimes in one paragraph. The parts in 3rd person were written as if all the characters' thoughts were open to the narrator. The characters were cliches at best. The revenge was primitive violence - nothing subtle, nothing well-planned.
Why does this merit more than 4 stars? Not from my POV! (so: BTB-crowd, call me a cuck!)

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by Anonymous03/06/17

i usally

don't like these kind of stories but this was so well told that i loved it. If only these things happen more in live imagine the how great things would be. Well a person can dream.

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by Anonymous03/06/17

Never met a tough dago

All Italians are cowardly back stabbing wankers

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by Anonymous03/06/17

Still there is the divorce

Even in England transferring his assets is a crime, will she have the ball to go for half. And alimony or is she scared shitless and just sign off ang become a homeless whore.

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by Anonymous03/06/17

Kimi was right.

So was SKHP. I hate cuck stories and don't read them. That doesn't mean I love bad BTB stories. This is not a bad story, but it is badly written. I want cheaters to suffer for cheating, but getting there took some serious hits on all those detours we went on.

Can an author just post any old thing, and as long as the bitch is burnt, it's all good? Not with me. That's the Huedog line. Violence makes everything okay? Bad writing is excused as long as the bitch is burnt? It just makes those of us who enjoy stories with drama and consequences look like fools. I'll give it an extra star for not making cheating look like fun, but that just gets it to three stars. I want the author to keep writing, but clean the writing up by getting an EDITOR.

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by wylderos03/06/17

C'mon people...

Admittedly terribly written from every measurable aspect of literacy and writer's craft,
but sheesh, everybody has to start somewhere!
Remember, in just a few very short years this fledgling writer is going to graduate high school and hopefully will have the basics of fiction composition revealed somewhere along the way.
On the positive side, after displaying a readiness to utilize a systematic approach to bullying, psychotic zeal in deploying likewise-thinking henchmen and a sociopathic thoroughness regarding his concept of justice, this kid could very well aspire to the Presidency of our country!

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by BobNbobbi03/06/17

There was meat . . .

. . . but this wasn't steak and potatoes. Normally I like a story with full background material so the conclusion is well supported. To my taste this one is over done, certainly not a rare steak. Two pages rather than five should be enough.

There also seems a confusion of voice in the telling of this tale. It wasn't Brit nor Italian. There seemed a bit of Long Island, maybe Brooklyn thrown in. I know I am not a burn the bitch sort of person. That fact may have influenced how I digested the tale. All I can offer Michaella Jones, is try one more rewrite or assume that there will be some who like the story style and some who don't. I do thank you for your effort and for sharing with us.

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by bruce2203/06/17

Good BTB

Nothing very innovative or beautifully written. An average dish...

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by starmanfive03/06/17

Thanks for the offering

The story was engaging and entertaining. I'm glad you gave us the confrontation scene. The kidnapping was reminiscent of the Al Pacino scene in the Italian restaurant where the police chief was killed. Great tension.

The point of view shifts were jarring. I suppose they were necessary for the story. (maybe not). This was BTB. Those are okay. You will see that the audience is divided between Cuck, BTB, and Reconciliation. I personally like the misdiagnosed affair, and reconciliation that was earned, but I can enjoy anything well written. Thank you for an entertaining story.

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by Trtroles03/06/17

good one

Your best story for sure. Five stars.

You should write more like this.

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by Impo_6403/06/17

A very good story, and with a moral lesson...

A very good story, and with a moral lesson: Always follow your Granma six sense...4*

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by WhoGivesAShit03/07/17

Outstanding

By FAR the best story of its kind. I'm at a loss to describe it. It's not your typical 'loving wives', it doesn't contain enough love for that. I stared writing 'revenge' but its not quite right. I wrote getting-even-with-a-cheat, but the story makes it clear that you can never quite 'get even'. There's not sappy making up. He is hurt beyond belief in a way you'd only understand if you've been there. It turned my guts into knots, but I had to finish it.

Until the last 3 paragraphs I hoped for more chapters... then you chose the PERFECT parting shot: no sequel needed.

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by Brewtoo03/07/17

Not Your Best Work

Neither the husband nor the wife were likeable characters and the whole Sicilian things is cliché.

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by B_Bailey03/07/17

Excellent

I don't cotton to anyone cheating in a marriage. They both got what they deserved.

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by Anonymous03/07/17

AH THE MOB DON'T YOU LOVE EM

She-it man! As i see it there are no winners here in this story! A cheating whore! An angry husband! A predator who got what's coming to him! They all lost? Please Peoples! I am a firm believer in second Life chances? So she cheated on him She got a scare trust me she would never do that again! GIVE THEM A SECOND CHANCE PLEEEEEEEEEZE! Love you all! GREG. OH 100 % OF READING ENJOYMENT BYE.

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by Onethird03/07/17

Too much

If she was habitual, that'd be one thing, but she obviously screwed up once. All the BTB guys love this stuff, but it is too cruel for me. Just go, don't rub it in and scream names at her. Feel better now? It's like beating a little puppy.

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by Anonymous03/07/17

You gave good head on this one.

Very thought provoking and well crafted. I think you did an exceptional job of identifying and relating the intellectual and emotional components of these failed personalities.

From the very beginning you alluded to the tenuous nature of their marriage: "We met, partied and had fun for almost two years before we took the plunge and got married." To take a plunge is to commit an act about which you are uncertain or even dubious of its success. From the very beginning their relationship seems shallow and cavalier. No mention of long term plans, children, career. Hey, so far so good, let's see what being married is like.

The grandmother's uncertainty was perfectly cast: "How do women know or feel these things? It is beyond me." What the grandmother saw is obvious. Connie had two major flaws: she was spoiled, and she was immature. And her husband was blind! And what are some of the character flaws of the immature and spoiled person? Selfishness, entitlement, lack of discipline, and thoughtlessness. And boredom. Give these traits to a beautiful spoiled woman, and as was played out in the story, its only a matter of when, not if. Grandma could see it; he didn't want to see it.

Of course the husband unwittingly encouraged his wife's sense of entitlement, and invited her disrespect for his lack of common sense: "Terri got along with Connie and they often spent days out spending vast amounts of money shopping for god knows what and taking a long time doing it. All I ever saw were the large bags that came through the door with Connie after one of those expeditions." Really, your marriage partner is pissing away your money and you don't even know or care what its for? Why would Connie even think she might get caught, her husband sees her mostly as some trophy or fuck toy. He treats her like a privileged child, so why should he be surprised when Connie decides she wants to have her cake and eat too?

When the poor dufus husband finally figures out his wife has become another man's slut, you spend the rest of the story on an over the top revenge and BTB scenario, which I applaud. I mean, you broke both of Tony's arms and both his legs. Two plus two equal 5 in this case; good job.

Incredibly, the person I feel most sorry for is Connie. She never changed or acted out of character. She was a selfish thoughtless bitch her entire marriage, and her husband not only tolerated her self indulgence, he rewarded it. He has only himself to blame for hooking up with a woman totally ill equipped for the commitment and personal responsibility required for a successful marriage. Connie was a babe in Toyland, and she saw no great harm in having an exciting playmate in addition to her husband. The affair really didn't mean anything to her, because she lacked the empathy and soul to understand what she was doing to her husband and her marriage. Connie wasn't innocent, she was ignorant. Grandma saw that too.

A very well thought out portrayal of human frailty and failure, on the part of several characters. Phil and Terrie totally fucked him over by letting Connie get away with it. His staying friends with them is unthinkable.

Thank you for your time and talent. And thank you for allowing anonymous comments. It takes real confidence to want to know what Everyone thinks.

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by bworth194303/07/17

stone cold

When she asked is there a way back all he needed to say was NO. All the ranting
wasn't necessary, nor did he need to express his feelings about her betrayal.

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by Anonymous03/07/17

When caught in hotel

He pulled pulled his mask off so she would see that it was him.on the last page you had her just recognizing that it was him by his finger gun mimic.

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by Whackdoodle03/07/17

Writers write what they know.

And if violence is your reaction, then it tells me there was a reason she cheated and its not because he was a good man.
A man resorts to violence to protect those he loves, not to react like some Islamic jihadist.

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by Anonymous03/07/17

@Anonymous W--- T-- F---

Yes the story is familiar as are many of them posted here your posting is familiar too I will not go back and try to find when it was first posted but could you try a little imagination in your ranting. Writer I enjoyed the story but as said I enjoyed the other version more so 4*s.

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by Anonymous03/07/17

Editorial Help

You need some serious help to get you to write in a more adult manner. You got the scenario and the level of violence is a personal judgment but the writing and style need some serious assistance. It was a BTB and that approach is a personal taste. The story line and choice of words used is third rate.

Tiny Tim

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by Anonymous03/07/17

Jist didn't hit the mark

A lot of obvious effort but this just falls flat. Made worse by too many rambling thoughts and conflicting emotions. Its already been said but I need to repeat: get an editor. This became a jumble of massive paragraphs near the end. Almost as if you wanted to get it over and done with.

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by Anonymous03/07/17

Meh

Just meh...

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by foolscap03/07/17

Consequences are necessary, violence is not.

He should have confronted her, cut his losses, and moved on. Karma is a bitch but we don't get to volunteer to be its instrument.

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DIFFERENT!

I found this to be an interesting read. The actual story line was good, even if it did have all the problems many have pointed out. I thought there was a big gap between the quality of the story and the quality of the writing.

A quick check of your Bio showed you’re no beginner, so I read Frank’s party, to see if you have always been slack on your writing craft. Apparently you have. I disagree with those who said you need an editor—at least not right now. The first thing you need is to spend a lot of time in the writers resources category here on Lit.

I repeat—you can come up with a really good story; now you need to get it on paper in an easily readable form. 3 stars from me.

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by ChuckEPoo03/07/17

Saddest story I've ever read.

Your writing was masterful but painful. I was hoping to the bitter end that reconciliation was possible. Many years ago I succumbed to lust and temptation and had an affair with my secretary. I cut it off almost as soon as it started. Not being able to live with a lie, I made the mistake of confessing it to my wife. She got even by revenge fucking a guy and telling me. Then we separated for a year. Eventually, we couldn't live without each other. We remarried. That was twelve years ago and we work to keep our marriage fresh and alive. I say this as I believe some of the qualities of love are forgiveness and reconciliation. Love to see another chapter with Connie and Sal working things out. With your writing skills you could make that plausible. Solid five for your writing and showing the ugly consequences of cheating.

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by sbrooks103x03/08/17

Meh

I could only manage to skim this as the writing was so awful, but one thing struck me about her cheating - that she was able to continue when she knew that their friends knew about it!

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