God's Eye View

Great job!!

Really enjoyed this, only one thing kept it from getting a 5*****...... Brit, the cheating slut, got a happy ending while Don had such emotional ups and downs. Thanks for this enjoyable read........

Great effort

Keep writtin. Hopefully it helps you pass time on deploymemt. Thx for your service and be safe

If you have to ask....

If you don't know which way the woman will react to your marriage proposal, then you don't know the person well enough to marry them.

Interesting

I just read "Secret Loves" and commented (Jess the sitcom character). I'd be curious to see a chapter 3 taking into account your newfound disposition. I still think you could make it work, just with much more angst this time around.

Very nice story.

A few grammar glitches you need to learn, and I didn't care for the "carpet muncher" slurs, but other than that, I enjoyed it. Nice effort. Keep writing.

I kinda feel cheated...

First, the positives.

The story is decently written. Nothing that made me stop and do a double-take, or took me out of the story. A bit lacking in the emotion department, but I suppose that can mostly be attributed to the fact that the main character isn't a super emotional person.

I'm also a fan of taking your pound of flesh, so to speak, so I always appreciate a good bitch burnin'. Though I have to say that, in this day and age, it seems highly unlikely for Don to have totally gotten away with the revenge porn thing. At the very least there should've been an attempted lawsuit.

Now the negatives.

I don't like the characters at all. With the exception of Don, they're all underdeveloped and serve as little more than scenery and plot devices for the most part. And Don himself is infuriatingly impulsive and bullheaded throughout. Yeah, life seems to be shitting on him at every turn, but it seems to me that he could've avoided at least some of it by taking a moment to thoroughly think things through and look at all possible angles. He probably wouldn't have embarrassed himself with Dawn if he had employed some critical thinking skills.

I also feel like the story is far too long for what it is. I mean, the climax is already over by page three, then there's still four pages to go. I kept waiting for something to happen, but it never did. It went from a story about a man dealing with a cheating wife, to a story about a modern-day Sisyphus pushing a boulder uphill. That's fine for a shorter story, but asking people to read through seven pages of that is a bit much, in my opinion. The overtly depressing tone you chose to go with is...well, depressing.

But after every setback you have Don pick himself up, dust himself off and keep going. In most stories that's the kind of thing that's meant to inspire hope, letting the audience know that the character will be alright. He's not giving up; hell find what he's looking for! But he does give up. He doesn't find what he's looking for. And instead of embracing the life of a bachelor and making the best of it, Don sits around pining for what he doesn't have. Everyone else gets their version of a happy ending, but then here's the main character, resigned to his fate at the bottom of the hill. Shit, you even killed off his father and said that his mother was already one foot in the grave.

Usually stuff like that has some kind of meaning behind it, like "Those who hold onto rage and bitterness will never find happiness". But that doesn't appear to be the case here. Don effectively stopped caring about Brittany at all and tried to get on with his own life without giving her a second thought. He wasn't cursing her name while drowning himself in scotch, and he wasn't calling out her name while fucking other women. She had become a non-factor to him, but it still felt like you were making an example of him.

I wish it had been something more sinister, like Brittany being vindictive and talking to his girlfriends, filling their heads with horror stories about what he would do to them if they slipped up even once. How he would destroy their lives and drive them to attempt suicide like she did. Something to add some drama to the story after the divorce. But no such luck.

You took a shot at all the stories that have the cheated-upon husband hook up with a bombshell of a woman after dumping the unfaithful wife, and that's all well and good. While not personally my cup of tea, I don't have a problem with a story that takes a more true-to-life approach where divorcees don't often get those x-rated Disney endings. But stories like that usually aren't seven pages long, and for good reason. If someone puts that much time into reading a story, they probably want a decent payoff at the end. I know I do, and seeing the main character resigned to a lifetime of being at square one is not what I call a decent payoff. Makes me feel like there was no point in reading the whole thing. Hence why I said I feel cheated.

I can't give this anything higher than a 3, and that's being generous.

Good One

The story had a "real" feeling about it. It didn't try to explain every action of the characters and was well written. Thank you for your effort.

As for "I don't even know the name of the other guy who's singing in Van Halen", do you allude to "1985" by Bowling for Soup?

I Like A Mediocre Ending!

A little too long, and a little to dark for a five. But close!

One of the better stories at that site!!!

Thanks for sharing!!! Its good to read about real life and possibilities how a life can turn and how it is influenced by imponderabilities!!! Attention to all cuck authors !!!

neat

It was a good read and sounded believable unlike some of the other stories, Good job

HORRIBLE

How anyone could enjoy this story on a sex site is beyond belief.Why not post in non erotic or elsewhere where people enyoy B.T.B stories.

What a let down after 6 pages to have a blah ending. What a waste, could have been done so much better.

PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN GOD

must also know He tries to keep the world and lifes in order. TK U MLJ LV NV

Boring, boring, boring.

A total waste of time!

liked the story
felt sorry for don

Curious

I'm surprised he wouldn't at least take the time to find out what her "reason" was. It might've been something he could have helped her with.

I enjoyed the story.

Life doesn't have neat little endings all of the time. The objections to this were made because many readers like everything tied up neatly. I liked the outrage, as well as the struggle for self control from the husband. Good job

Great Story

Another great change from the usual happy ending to a sad story. Life is not about happy endings. At best it is about revelations and enlightenment. Shit happens, you adjust your view of reality, and you keep marching.

Really liked your story but i thought the last four pages should've/could've been edited down to two or three.

Stay safe on deployment

Sadly, I think leaving out the reason Dawn left really detracts from the story and since it happens late it will have a powerfully negative effect on how I, and likely, others will remember and rate it. That is a problem when you try to string a series of unrelated real life events together instead of building on one specific event. (In solely my humble opinion, of course)

Good job

You are right. Not everything in life goes according to plan and ends with a happy ending. Personally I wanted some closure with the Dawn situation. Even if it was through a letter, something was better than nothing. Overall I thought it was a great tale. Looking forward to more of your work.

Another great story today!

Loved it, and agree with the realistic ending. Been there, done it, worked through it and come out the other end happily. Don's story isn't necessarily finished.

Good story

And sometimes things work out badly for the good guy. I think his problem was that he didn't actually know the women he fell for.

Agreed

Not finding out why the second woman declined his marriage proposal and then the collapse of that relationship. On the surface it seems like it would be a no-brainer, they got along with each others kids, the kids were good with each other, many areas of compatibility....
Poor guy couldn't catch a break on relationships.

Why would he be conpketely uninterested in why Dawn rejected him?

There was no logical or emotional reason for it and then to allow that event to harden him so that hes emotionally unavailable? As the song goes: Your choices are half chance, so are everyone elses.

THANKS:

Great story and thank you for your service.

Nice

Very well written, very realistic story

Realistic

Yes, fairly realistic except for the extreme coincidence of Google maps showing the cheater's car in the satellite view and them kissing in the street view. So actually it isn't realistic at all.

Also not erotic nor entertaining.

It's a 5 star story

Made so by the absolute conviction that Don had in his actions, and actually backing up his words with said actions.

But the Dawn thing has left me somewhat confused. What the hell happened here? Will you be writing a sequel of some sorts to this unresolved subplot? Because it really came out of the blue. I mean, I know real life doesn't hand you answers on a platter, but it's still strange to have read about her and Don being so good with each other and then all of a sudden she bailed on him.

I have to agree with @looking4it...

I have to agree with @looking4it...We could understand why Mandy didn't want to marry him...She was by herself, no strings attached, and didn't want to get involved with a man with his baggage...But that wasn't the case of Dawn, she was a single mother, she had satisfied all her hidden desires when young, so what reason could made her run? And she loved him...that's sure...Was she serious ill? I understand what end the writer had for his story, but the Dawn character weakens the story a little...however 4*

Unfinished.

Only 3*. Cannot give more for an unfin...

Mediocrity snatched from the jaws of greatness.

Well, it was never going to be great, but it could have been so much better. You show in this story a real talent for making the main character a hapless clueless dufus. Some of the plot ideas and characters are really well done, but elsewhere you just totally drop the ball.

Its unbelievable that he waited so long to ask his wife to explain her actions. Its like he was really focused on his hurt and revenge, but not so concerned why his wife suddenly became a bisexual slut. A husband of normal intellect might just wonder if it has something to do with him, blackmail, mental illness, etc. It was also hard to believe that a close connected relationship wouldn't show some changes when the wife suddenly became a whore, for two different people. Perhaps the most embarrassingly selfish and self-centered moment is when he finally asks his ex-wife why she cheated on him. During the entire discussion about how and why she did what she did to him and their marriage, he never bothered to ask her why she tried to commit suicide! It was a real lapse in your character's behavior, but only one of several.

His approach to his successive marriage attempts just reinforced that this guy was ignorant about women and relationships. You don't ask a woman to marry you without first discussing the general idea of future, marriage, children, careers, retirement, family, etc. You know, kind of important discussions and decisions that need to be understood before the actual proposal of marriage. Of course, maybe I'm not an expert at marriage, since I've only been married once, and we are still trying to make it work, after 40 years. So far so good, but you never stop trying.

I have not read your other work, but I hope you will keep writing. Its obvious you put a lot of time and effort into this work, and I hope you have learned something from it. It was not bad, but it could have been so much better. Thanks for the effort.

And thanks for allowing anonymous comments. Nice to see another author who can handle the pointy end of the spear.

What a waste of my time reading this crap

you spent all this time writing a story that goes nowhere and says nothing....dont give up your day job

Waste of time

Total Crap

Don't release the video...

Just an FYI. Don't release videos. I have never done it, but watched a friend who did. He was so hurt and humiliated that when he found the video of his wife shot my her lovers wife and her lover in HIS video camera (which his wife had bought him for his birthday two months before) he went nuts. He published it on the various websites that everyone knows about. The end was different for him than Don. He did not know it was illegal to do such a thing in his state without release forms from all concerned. He was criminally charged, spent 18 months in jail, lost all access to his kids, and pretty much got cleaned out by the divorce. The judge ordered psychological counseling for him prior to granting him visitation. She could not grasp why he would humiliate the cheaters and assumed he must be mentally ill. He walked out of the court room and never looked back, I have not heard from him in two years. She ended up moving from a low level job to being the personal assistant, making twice their previous income, to the COO of the bank they both worked at. I heard that the video was the principle reason she got the job. PS the COO is a woman.

Five Star Story... Painfully Realistic

Excellent narrative and interesting twists and turns. I lived several parts of this but was fortunate in that (1) I got custody of my kids, and (2) I eventually met a young lady who ended up being a wonderful wife and mom. The author captured the emotions and problems really well - my "Mandy" went back to a previous boyfriend; getting dumped out of your first serious relationship after a divorce brings you low. Excellent.

you get a 1 for a shitty ending. the guys a catch. he the tall dark and handsome. with good decent values, but has a major chip on his shoulder and pushes marriage to fast in a relationship. (come on 8 months for dawn and close to that for mary as well).should have gone to a church and found a decent christian girl lol.

Welcome to LW - Disregard the bad reviews

A 5* response in Romance is like a 3* here. Sorry for the jerks and their bad review but it's expected when the guy doesn't kill the cheater and end up with a wealthy supermodel.

The only problem I have is that there was no explanation from Dawn on why she refused to marry Don.

Please give us more. You're a breath of fresh air.

Bill 1104

Know the answer before asking the question.

The story raised several questions, but I will only raise one issue. What was Dawn's issue about commitment and why didn't he know. An excellent example of some one so focused on him (her) self they miss the obvious. The story has depth.

5*s

This is a 5⭐🇭🇮🇹❗
Interesting. Entertaining. Realistic and fantastic.
A variety of characters including family. Well developed and defined husband Don and wife Brittany.
I found fascinating the cheating wife Brittany. She resolved her gender confusion in the worst way. Without considering her husband or children. A completely selfish, narcissistic and sadly, common modern day thinking process.
Carbinemaster, your protagonist Don is someone I identify with closely. Controlling his anger during the confrontation was so realistically portrayed and he was smart about the evidence. On the other hand, after his experience with Mandy. He spent eight months with Dawn and doesn't determine beforehand what she thinks about him regarding marriage. The dumb man gets burned again. Such a human character sometimes makes smart decisions, sometimes dumb decisions.

I thank you for an enjoyable read and look forward to your next story😌.


AMerryman

4*

Would have been 5 but you didn't explain Dawn.

It is a story so you should have.

Great!

5* this is truly a realistic story that I enjoyed. It is realistic enough to be believable. so there wasn't a great happy ending for him. Ya we want to hear how the wrong husband comes out in the end with everything, but it rarely ends up like that. I think most men are better able to empathize with Don and how his character is written. I would have liked to know what dawn's issue was, but it wasn't essential to Don's story and no-nonsense attitude.

4☆

Would have been a 5 if you'd have explained Dawn.
How about a rewrite with an explanation.

Interesting and Enjoyable

I thought this was a good story. The ending was realistic. Quite a few people like Don go through life thinking they have been unlucky in love when it's obvious to their friends and family that there's a very good reason for it-but they're too polite to tell them what it is! Don should have encouraged his family, his friends and ex's to be more open with him.

There were a few small things that I disliked a lot. The grammar was weak, the expression 'shit-eating grin' is simply disgusting and there was an over-reliance on spell checkers. To take just one example, as several Lit. commenters have repeatedly pointed out, 'discrete' does NOT mean 'discreet' or anything like it.

Maybe...

Maybe Dawn was cheating on him already but was feeling too guilty to do it to him while they were married. She was a self confessed slut in life previously so maybe she reverted back.

What a dope!

I can't understand a character that would pop the question out of the blue without plenty of pre=pop discussion about what the prospective bride thinks about being hitched. Especially to whom and when. And what both partners are looking for long term. I can almost get the first one to Mandy. At that point Don was still kind of a wounded duck and not really thinking through his decisions, but by the time Dawn rolled around I would have expected the character to be a little more thoughtful.

As others have said, it would be nice to understand Dawn but it rings true for Don to cut all contact.

Sometimes life sucks...

The hero doesn't always win.

That's life

Sometimes its like a box of chocolates....you never know what you'll get.

Wow!

Great story so it best a lot of stars.

However, Donald is the most selfish disgusting human being in this earth. It was all about him. No wonder no one wanted to marry him. When he hurt his wife he also hurt his kids. He didn't care. He was so self absorbed into himself that he couldn't do anything but extract revenge. He was just an angry boy with anger issues. It would be interesting to see where they came from.

To bad that he did such a good job trashing his life too.... not! He deserved every bit of the misery he got.

I am not condoning the cheating and I am not suggesting they shouldn't have gotten a divorce. But his choice of actions were beyond reason. I am surprised that the wife didn't sue him for posting the pics without her permission. That would have really skunked his life where it should have been. Everyone was a loser in this story and the biggest ones are the kids for having to deal with such a selfish parent as the dad.

If you love somebody you would never ever want to reach out in vengeance this way after the Heaton the moment is dissipated. He thought himself so superior that he didn't even want to find out the wife. He was just a gigantic asshole.

But, it was a great story and I enjoyed it a lot.

Know how he feels.

This story must have been written for my life. Even have a daughter named Danielle. Only exception is. My one and only wife 19 years ago did actually meet a millionaire which was her boss. They married and to this day I hope are happy in life as well. This definitely gave me chills as to the similarities of the story. Very well done and said.