Not bad at all. You can go a long way with this train of thought. Please continue.
by
Anonymous07/23/04
Breathless
Read aloud your first sentence -- a whole paragraph! If you must pause for breath, the sentence (paragraph) is too long.
Just as a book is often judged by its cover, prose is judged by the first sentence or two. It must capture the reader's attention, teasing him to read on. In this case, I was breathless, not from passion but from exhaustion.
Unfortunately, the rest of the story was as strangely written as the first sentence.
Try reading the entire piece out loud and you will get an understanding of how it really is. Then try reading some of Ernest Hemingway aloud. Sentences are short, packed with meaning, but short.
by
Anonymous07/23/04
not bad...
pretty good there... with just a lil thought you can really smoke with the storyline set up that you have.. anything would go. keep it up, i'm looking forward to reading more. :)
by
Anonymous07/23/04
Please Keep it going....
Please keep it coming as you have sparked my interest. Like many have said before me that there are so many directions you could go in that it has the makeings of a very wild storyline.
Very well done, and interesting story. Other than some grammar issues which are picky at best, this is an interesting story. If you want, I can edit the future editions if you want. Keep up the good work, bud.
by
Anonymous07/24/04
Keep it coming i've still got a hard on
Great Story Keep It Going. I have a feeling it is going to be hot
One thing you might consider next time is easing into the hot bits instead of jumping right it. However that is just my personal preference. To each his own.
English
Continue
Not bad at all. You can go a long way with this train of thought. Please continue.
Breathless
Read aloud your first sentence -- a whole paragraph! If you must pause for breath, the sentence (paragraph) is too long.
Just as a book is often judged by its cover, prose is judged by the first sentence or two. It must capture the reader's attention, teasing him to read on. In this case, I was breathless, not from passion but from exhaustion.
Unfortunately, the rest of the story was as strangely written as the first sentence.
Try reading the entire piece out loud and you will get an understanding of how it really is. Then try reading some of Ernest Hemingway aloud. Sentences are short, packed with meaning, but short.
not bad...
pretty good there... with just a lil thought you can really smoke with the storyline set up that you have.. anything would go. keep it up, i'm looking forward to reading more. :)
Please Keep it going....
Please keep it coming as you have sparked my interest. Like many have said before me that there are so many directions you could go in that it has the makeings of a very wild storyline.
Very Good, But If I Was Picky...
Very well done, and interesting story. Other than some grammar issues which are picky at best, this is an interesting story. If you want, I can edit the future editions if you want. Keep up the good work, bud.
Keep it coming i've still got a hard on
Great Story Keep It Going. I have a feeling it is going to be hot
Very good
I do hope there is more to come of this story
Very good START
Keep it coming. Cant wait for what comes next
Very well written
Good job on your first submission!
One thing you might consider next time is easing into the hot bits instead of jumping right it. However that is just my personal preference. To each his own.
Good job again!
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Sex & Sexuality or
More submissions by random_writer.