Great story. One small problem ... it's almost like there's 2 people telling the story -- since it goes from 1st person to 3rd person and back again several times. It would read better if it is all in 1st person. That would mean changing all the references to "her" to "me", "she" to "I", etc....
by
Anonymous07/24/04
Sexy Next Door
Loved it as we all have a sexy neighboor that we have drooled over! Doesn't matter if your male or female as we have all had one at sometime! Keep those delicious creative juices flowing!
In your passionate haze, you slip from first person to second person. It is distracting the reader from the flow of the story. Edit your work before you submit it, please! You show great promise, and I hope to see more from you! :)
English
Who's telling the story?
Great story. One small problem ... it's almost like there's 2 people telling the story -- since it goes from 1st person to 3rd person and back again several times. It would read better if it is all in 1st person. That would mean changing all the references to "her" to "me", "she" to "I", etc....
Sexy Next Door
Loved it as we all have a sexy neighboor that we have drooled over! Doesn't matter if your male or female as we have all had one at sometime! Keep those delicious creative juices flowing!
Great quickie story!
This is a great story!--I know it very quickly aroused me--Your words built a great scene in my mind! Thankyou!
tearing me up
Dam I almost shot a lod, just reading this. I need more just like it.
This was good but..
In your passionate haze, you slip from first person to second person. It is distracting the reader from the flow of the story. Edit your work before you submit it, please! You show great promise, and I hope to see more from you! :)
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