by Sinsualmind
I enjoyed this read very much. I think a bit of trimming could only make it shine more. I love the sporadic rhymes and the repetition. Good work!
(i.e. many different hues could be cut to many hues) Not big changes.
very nice hun..syns right it needs trimmed a bit but this was a powerful read, one i can relate to very closely.
ignore the meter reading..i went on strike, am not using it!
i enjoyed this poem, and the emotion it stirred in me.
I do like the whole poem, but the first half of it, before you start chating "I love, I live" etc. is far superior to the rest in terms of tempo and flow. the "lists" there could be worked with.
Nevertheless, good one!
In the same way I enjoy all your heartbeat-rhythm poems. There's an instance or two where you could insert an s, to make something plural and satisfy grammar and one or two non-intentional typos, but other than that...
I want you to tell me your story, sometime, if the fit takes you.
And in the end it becomes obvious that all that ranting's about having grown up and out grown a Daddy's love; time to move on and find your own man.
you cant outrun my love and trusting soul TK U MLJ LV NV