All Comments on 'Champions Vol. 02'

Love your work, was just finished reading your updated Vol 1 and now I find there is Vol 2 here already?

You're awesome man and keep up the amazing work

JC

I've got to say that this story is riveting! Also your grammar and spelling is pretty spot on. However could I make suggestion that your shorten your volumes as they are very very long. Keeping it to 6-8 Literotica pages would make it easier for yourself as well as your editor. The shorter it is the less time it takes to write and edit. You can also post the next chapter sooner. That way you have more followers that can remember what happened in the previous volume.

I believe that the suggestion about shorter episodes is a good one, as there are several instances of spelling mistakes and missing words, I am only up to the fight between the inquisitor and the bandits.

That you may write swiftly and see you publish the next chapter soon!!

about chapter length. I LOVE reading the longer chapters. So what if it takes you longer to put together........I'm just happy that you are still working and posting this amazing story here. THANK YOU for the hard work and effort and for posting the results here for my enjoyment!!

While I hate cliff hangers at least u weren't a dick about it I'm really liking the story

Thank you for your effort. I love this story and your characters. I appreciate you spending your time for us. Your editing is fine. I've read professionally edited books i've paid for that were worse. Again, thank you. And pls, pls, pls get the next part out soon!!!!! Lol!!!

Great story and really well written, I really like the character development and introspection. Cant wait for vol 3!

Cheers

Very good character development, I find myself wanting to know more about them and see how each ones role in this tale plays out.

Very curious about how the champions recently acquired 2,400 year old spartan will help David train, etc. on his path to becoming a Demi-God, while he also helps with his real mission of helping Laurena find herself and her inner strength.

Brilliant story I hope I'm around to read the next chapter and maybe more with luck. Thanks for sharing your work.

nudge nudge wink wink say no more

Good but you are keeping it long. please write on 1/2 or 1/3 by volume and increase frequency. it will also help to edit though the number of editable portions are too small.

Guys I think this guy shoud go to hall of fame.

It has been a well constructed yarn so far with a good plot and interesting characters.

Seems there are some hidden plots as well.

My only comment is that as you have successfully given the hero the ability to understand any language spoken is as his native language to him, then why give all the military terms such random names?

It is just that normal English military terms are difficult enough concepts for mugs like myself that perhaps if you wished to be more planet specific you could instead use something like the Romans used.

A Centurian was I believe a man in charge of a hundred men etc.

Seeing as you have borrowed from Greek mythology very successfully and added to it it would perhaps be easier at least for me to use terms from around that era.

A bit late to change now but a thought hopefully of some use.

Thanks for putting up a great yarn.

Anonymous All, (helpful suggestions responses):

1. Mistakes

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you all. I have corrected each of the mistakes that were brought to my attention via email. I really appreciate everyone’s help in filling the gap created when all three of my editors decided to go on vacation (or host visiting family) the same week I finished and sent out this story for editing. Yes, ALL THREE were busy at the same time. Jeesh… FYI, my editors are close friends and/or family (aka I trust them not to try to steal my writing) that either write themselves, or are vicious grammar Nazis. I swear I won’t be surprised if one of them sends back their notes with little Swastikas next to every wrong word…

But I guess it’s better than a spanking from a 60-year-old English teacher with a Dominatrix fetish. “There (wap), they’re (wap), and their (wap) are not the same word (wap).”

2. Chapter Length

There are two reasons why I release 100k – 140k word ‘novel size’ Chapters, rather than breaking up the story into four or five ‘chunks’ on Literotica.

(Reason 1.) The way that I write would make releasing this story in that manner an absolute nightmare. In January I did a major rewrite of Chapters 1-20 (the entire first half of Vol 2!), because of mistakes that I had made, as well as forgetting to write the Timothy & Dawn sections (this sub-story, though minor now, is vitally important for reasons that if discussed would spoil the surprise). Further, I actually changed up the sequence of the first six chapters so that they flowed better.

I realized this when I wrote the original version of Champions. I released it without an editor or input from others and it reflects this. It wasn’t crap, but it could have been better with proper planning, help, and input. Those who are interested should compare the original and the re-release side-by-side and notice the significant reduction in “boring military fluff” in the first four chapters, the much smaller magical training section with Zaffre, and the addition of the explanation that David was becoming a demi-god. Kind of a major piece of information that I had originally planned to push to Vol 2., but instead fixed before I released it on Amazon. The re-release is the same as what is on Amazon right now.

While my three editors have still not finished Vol 2, they have already spotted a handful of (thankfully minor) issues that I need to correct in the first 20 Chapters before it goes to Amazon. If I had released chapters 1-10 when I wrote them last year, then 11-20 back in December when I finished them, I would have boned myself badly. The ONLY reason that I chose to split Vol 2 into two parts was because after I wrote chapter 50 I realized that from that point on everything (story-wise) in the first half was mostly good to go. Even then, it took me a week to edit and reorder the final chapters of Vol 2. The chapters are always presented chronologically, except for the Vol 2 epilogue (the trio’s return to Erosius) and Vol 3 prologue (you’ll see when I post it) which actually occur after the Amandurans invade Calavius (Chapters 1-4 of Vol 3). Since the prologue and epilogue are the only parts that do not have DTG (date/time/group), I can – and do – use them out of chronological sequence. But that’s it. Until I finish the entire volume, things can change. I actually changed three items in Chapters 9, 10, and 12 after I finished writing Chapter 48! (currently Chapter 6 of Vol 3). The way I write, until the ‘entire’ volume is done, none of it is ‘really’ done.

(Reason 2.) When I open a new story from one of my favorite authors and I see that it is over 20+ Literotica pages in length, I squeal in joy (but I assure you it is a very manly squeal). I LOVE longer stories, because I know that I won’t be shafted with a f***ing cliff-hanger ending and be forced to then wait for weeks, months, or even *years* until I get a resolution (grumble, grumble…ShadowNinjaX - ‘Blazing Glory’, Lien_Geller – ‘Missing Dragon’ and ‘Aphrodisia’ [six f***ing years and counting dude!?] FinalStand – F***ING EVERYTHING!). Yes Vol 1 ended with a big reveal, but I also answered all of the Major questions that were posed in the story. The quest to find Eros was complete. Phase 1 success.

I agonized over the choice to split Vol 2 in half for two weeks while I continued to write, because I knew that I would have to end it with a vile cliff-hanger. Yes I made everyone wait a year for this story…for which I am deeply remorseful. My only defense is that I always knew Vol 2 would be the largest of the original nine Volumes, and it is only the SECOND work of fiction I have EVER written. I have a Psychology degree, not an English degree. I didn’t take Creative Writing during my Bachelors program, I took Technical Writing. Tefler is a f***ing God in my eyes because he can crank out 10 Lit pages every 2-3 weeks (incidentally, if you haven’t read “Three Square Meals”…WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?). I am not him.

So sadly for all of you that want me to release this story in smaller ‘chunks’, I apologize but I am just not skilled enough of a writer yet to pull it off successfully. Maybe someday…after the Champions Saga concludes…maybe…

3. Erosian Military Organization and Terms (Greek, Not Roman)

WARNING: This one is really lengthy, and it is really only for people who want to know where the Champions Saga came from…its Genesis so to speak. Nearly everything written below will never see the pages of any Champions Volume; they are part of my personal notes when I built the world. If you aren’t interested you can skip to Number 4.

I love fiction that makes sense, especially if it teaches me something I didn’t know about before. In the writing of Vol 2 I did exhaustive study of Ancient Greek (to include the Spartan Legion) and Ancient Egyptian culture and warfare. I wanted my story to make sense.

There is basically a manual for Erosian military tactics already written, it is the history of Alexander the Great. Go back to Vol 2 page 23 and find the following line “ Amyntas, Born Ol. 100.3 (40 BEC) -- Died 680 EC' ”. If you research Ancient Greek calendars then you will know that the abbreviation ‘Ol.’ stands for Olympiad. Which was the only universal calendar in use among all of the city-states of Greece. Ol. 100.3 was 376/375 BC (approximately). The “(40 BEC)” was 40 years Before Erosian Calendar, which is actually a typo I just caught; it was supposed to be “(50 BEC)” [I’ll fix this with everything else]. That means that Amyntas was born in 376 BC, and the Erosian Calendar (EC) started in 326 BC, the same time Alexander the Great was killed in India. That’s right folks, Alexander’s march of conquest was inspired by a rivalry within the pantheon, and was intended as a tool of some gods to kill off the faithful of their rivals. Too many humans died, and The Creator got pissed.

[Side Note: But wait you might demand, there were only 2339 years between Alexander’s death and the current date of David’s calendar – 2013 – while there have been 2351 years in the EC. Well, there are 365.25 days per year in David’s calendar, while there are only 364 Days in the Erosian Calendar – 13 months of 28 days. This means that there has been an eight year difference over the last two-plus millennia. But that only puts us at 2347, you might insist. Indeed it does, the remaining 4 years are the result of the difference in the length of Erosian Days, which are 2 minutes and 27 seconds shorter than Earth’s. It is a different planet after all – with TWO moons – of course its rotation speed and orbit around its sun would be different as well.]

However, after the banishment of the pantheon and their faithful, the tactics of Alexander’s grand army remained in the minds of those who served with him. One of these man – who had once led the Spartan Legion as a Polemarch under Alexander – decided to write it all down in a manual, probably because he got VERY bored in the first few hundred years of his VERY long life…(wink)

Everything in the Erosian Mora comes directly from Spartan terms and battle tactics post Alexander, slightly modified to incorporate magic. (Take ‘that’ Gerard Butler’s padded loincloth) When I could not find the original formal Spartan military rank names, I made them up (Pentekostagos – for instance) using the base templates for Ancient Greek (Aeolian) grammar. However, I am still on the fence about whether I want to keep these historical terms in place or not. They may be replaced with traditional ranks (sergeant, lieutenant, captain, commander, general, et.) after my editors actually read far enough into the story to see their usage, and then sway me with a compelling argument to change it.

I developed the Amanduran tactics by starting with Ancient Egyptian tactics, then adding magic (which recently became severely weakened), and then wondering how these tactics would change over 2,400+ years if: (1) the kingdoms they fought over all shared the exact same religion, (2) resources were plentiful, (3) lifespans were doubled (the average human lifespan on Eros’ world is 100 years), (4) they were no longer agriculturally limited to the Nile River Delta, and (5) 30+ years ago the Goddess of War started teaching her disciple the king newer tactics (but did not share new technology). I won’t say that I have a full tactical manual crafted for Amanduran warfare, but there is absolutely a reason for why they do what they do.

Much of my writing is based on what I like, and I like to learn something interesting, as well as be entertained. If I went too far (which I absolutely do some times), I’m certain my editors will demand that I remove all of it, on penalty of a time out.

4. Response to the awesome suggestions from Dry_opinon

#1. Tomb journey unnecessary if Laurena is at full power.

Absolutely true. She was only granted access to half of the power of Eros’ Champion when she put on the pendant, and only because Ophelia’s spirit was willing to share it. When Laurena’s jealousy flared and the pendant turned green, she also lost her partial Champion’s powers. She could only take the power fully within herself after Ophelia was laid to rest and the power was transferred to the successor. THAT was the primary reason for the trip. The Trials were just intimidation / character building. I did not realize that I had neglected to mention this critical element in the story, so THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, for pointing this out. Now I can correct it.

#2. Most of the side stories are extraneous, and could easily be removed without negatively affecting the overall story.

Possibly…but I know how the story ends, and who is going to actually matter later. This is something that I have discussed with my editors more than once, and after all three have finished their read-through and edit we’ll sit down and separate the wheat from the chaff. I still have eight more volumes before the Champions Saga is complete, and the Champions of I.S.H.T.A.R. series which will be set in this universe and – loosely – follow behind the original story (but not characters). Those stories have to start somewhere…

#3. Constant level of concern / tension about Pheobe / Inquisitor (suggested lumping all her story chapters together in one place)

Please see “2. Chapter Length, Chronological Writing Style”…and as far as the constant tension it was the result of splitting the story in two. All of that was supposed to be resolved in the second half of the originally envisioned story, which is now Vol 3.

Thanks again Dry-opinion, I really appreciated you taking the time to email me these suggestions. I may disagree with a recommendation, or discard a suggestion, but by reading them I have to honestly answer whether I screwed up or whether I have chosen to accept the displeasure of some readers in order to tell my story in my own way. By facing that question early and often, I have grown immensely as a fiction author since Vol 1.

And second, I am not surprised in the slightest that you enjoy many of the authors whom I've read.

Keep on with the plan.

o7

Ha! Just kidding. I shall retain the title of Captain Slowpoke around these parts, thank you very much!

So, I’ve just reached the end of this and I have to say that although your writing is still up there with the best on this site, I did find your original chapter much better. So feel free to tell me to go shove it where the sun don’t shine, but here’s why I thought that.

I’m not so bothered by sub-plots, but there is a degree of character over-saturation in this chapter. It goes a bit too far, with the worst example being when they board the Sophina and you feel the need to introduce almost every single crew member one after the other. Then none of them really play any important part in the story after that. It’s a pet peeve of mine when writers just rapid-fire introduce characters like that, because it doesn’t really give them any time to shine as individuals and I often forget about them when they actually show up in the story next. (“What? You don’t remember Bob? C’mon, I told you all about him whilst I was mentioning the 900 other people he hangs out with! How can you not remember Bob? Oh well, I told you about him then so now you’re fucked if you want to recall who he is without trudging back to look for his introduction.) I think my struggle here also ties into the fact that there’s a lot of “setting shit up” in this chapter without it feeling like much is actually happening in terms of major plot points. Army building is fun, but I’m not sure why you feel the need to go into so much detail. It’s also to the detriment of stuff like character development and plot advancement. I know that building an army is a plot point, but it feels like much of this story is dedicated to that single plot point that gets stretched way too thin. After reading this entire chapter I don’t really feel like either David or Sapphire have actually been developed at all as characters in their own right. That’s an issue. Laurena was also my favourite character in the last chapter, and I hoped her trials would be more relevant to her own weaknesses which you really developed well. Instead, the lessons she learns are just experiences from a bunch of past Champions I don’t really know about? I was hoping for something much more personal. Like in the first test she’s put into combat, and she overcomes it with the lessons David taught her, then she’s put into a similar test of magic and Sapphire’s teachings come into play. Then finally she’s given a true test of her own self worth and she emerges triumphant over it after scoring a victory over her flaws of vanity and assumed self importance? Like, she gets placed into a position where she believes herself to be hideous and loathed, but then remembers that she now has friends, and that her beauty and power isn’t where her value is. Ok, now I’m rewriting your story for you and I know that’s bad, but I was just a bit unimpressed by the trials because they didn’t feel all that personal to her.

You also run into problems with infodumping. You’re not terrible at this, but entire conversations revolve around stuff like magic systems or morality and it reads like a university seminar. Interesting if you’re into that sort of thing, but not exactly brilliant if you’re just wanting a good story. Again, the initial voyage aboard the Sophia was an example of this where David and Sapphire are talking magic. There are much more interesting ways to do this sort of thing than having a simple conversation. If a character is having a character moment or explaining something about themselves, or they’re telling a story within the story, then fair enough. It’s just that it starts to feel less like two characters interacting and more like you as a writer possessing them to explain shit. I usually find this stuff is better explained after the fact. So your characters do some cool shit, then one asks “how did you do that?” and they get to explain themselves. That way the reader’s invested because they’ve seen the cool shit and want to know how it’s done rather than reading up on the theory first. Practical beats theoretical every time. ^_^

Also, I know this has been mentioned before but I didn’t really like the way you stopped the story to explain that military terms would be given after their in-world terms. Sorry mate, but that felt so amateurish from you that it outright pissed me off. You’re one of my favourite author’s on this site and reading that was like watching Da Vinci go back to fucking finger painting. If you’re worried that people won’t know stuff they need to know then you need to be clever enough to get that information across to them without utterly shattering immersion. Astinus was basically building an army from scratch, so why couldn’t he have assembled his commanders to explain to them how he wanted his army formed? Then you could have just explained outright how the army was comprised whilst showing Astinus’ quality as a commander. I mean, for crying out loud, some of the actual real-world terms you use aren’t ones I understand as a regular ol’ civvie. I don’t want to have to stop reading your story to look shit up on Wikipedia! Come on dude, you’re way better than this.

So yeah, this chapter was still better than most, but I can’t say I loved it as much as I did the first one. The biggest strength you had was your ability to write genuinely flawed characters that I found very compelling, and whom in the last chapter actually advanced and changed during the story to make them better people. Here, you seem to put that aside in favour of world-building and setting up too much without actually delivering any major plot points with their outcomes. You still get 5* from me, because I know how fucking difficult it is to successfully pull off what I’m asking, and this is definitely still a 5* story, but… c’mon dude! Stop being good and go back to being fucking awesome already!

Oh, and btw, if you want an early look at TMD Ch. 05 then wing me your email addy. It's in the beta reader phase right now and I'd love to hear what you think of it.

ironic coming from me, but your previous tale didn't have as much sex and this one didn't need it quite as much as you've put into it

loved it and 5 stars

JC

I really like this story and I seriously wished you could rapid fire the chapters b/c waiting sucks when you're so immersed in a story.

But I don't agree that you found the best spot to end this chapter. Such a cliffhanger is maybe the best stoppage point in series with a higher release frequency where the reader/viewer just has to wait a day or a week for it to be resolved. If you know - like in this case - that you won't be able to release the next chapter for another 3-6 months at least imo you should've picked an ealier, less pivotal point.

As it is, I hope Charis and Paranomos are still alive when the Champions find them :)

Greetings, G

Please do not underestimate the power of the weapons you have brought in to this world. He should be able to easily snipe the king and his entourage at a thousand yards with the M14. The MK 48 should take care of the rest. Remember the enemy will be shoulder to shoulder to form their shield wall. This will be a machine gunners wet dream.The 7.62 rounds will go through whatever armor they are wearing. It will also go through multiple people. One round should go through two or three . Also remember that their armor is designed to stop arrows, swords, axes, and bolts not 7.62 ammo. Also remember the cool spell in this chapter that stopped the arrows, some of them penetrated but didn't pass all the way through. There fore 7.62 and 5.56 should easily penetrate any magic they have.( think using a shield against a boulder from a catapult. It just isn't going to work).

By the way I don't mean to sound to negative. You are a great writer and I love the story.

A great story, as interesting as vol. 1.

I must admit that there have been a few minor editing errors (mainly words that have been written separately, see pages 22 and 23, where champions have been written in the form of two separate words, for example). Given the number of words contained in the vol. 2, this is not serious and is perfectly understandable.

Going back to the story itself, I still think it is very good, there is a great exposure on post-traumatic stress, both by the former Champions and by David. Stress is not a recent invention, it has always existed, since the first war between mankind, the only difference is that today, the mortality rate, in warfare, is the highest in history , And the honor of the combatants is no longer as sacred as it was in antiquity. Nowadays it is killed with a coldness that was not known once. Obviously, in antiquity committed acts that today we consider atrocious, but it is also true that a battle of antiquity did not have the number of victims that has a current battle (if anyone doubts about this, check the number of victims D-Day with other battles of antiquity, or even worse, the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the killings of the Pol Pot men in Laos and Cambodia, the genocide committed by the Nazis ...).

As I mentioned earlier, having had a recent heart attack (and seeing death very close, but not for the first time), has made me reconsider many things in my life, and one of them has been precisely the idea that the author He put in the mouth of David:

I have to try not to be a good man, but to be a better man ...

5 * for you, and hoping that vol. 3 do not wait too long (really, I do not know how much time I have left, so I do not know how much time I could expect to wait for the next volume)

Thank you for sharing your work with us all.

I apologize for my English (yet and forever), isn't my native language.

The depth of the characters...the differences...the separate paths making one wonder what will happen when they converge...extremely well done! As there are so many players now, I would suggest that perhaps you might consider including a cast of characters and locations at the beginning of each volume that can be referred so those of us who have to stop and try to remember details would have some help...just a thought. Thanks for this entertainment!

I hope that those 3 would become a triad eventually and Laurena would have something David needs that he would also not be able to see his future without her like he does for Sapphire. He did mention that he cannot see himself loving another woman but he has changed also during his time in this world. So I'm hoping he and Sapphire would eventually accept Laurena ang become a Triad. Anyways, just my thoughts :)

Re: Lien_Geller

Thanks for the constructive suggestions. I appreciated your help with this.

For the rest of you, I emailed a detailed response directly to Lien which addressed each of his suggestions individually, and he helped me work through them. It was a very long and detailed discussion that I will not bore you with here. However, I can honestly say that he has my utmost respect for his keen eyes and generosity, as well as being one of my favorite authors.

Re: JC_The_Continuer

Too much sex?! On a site called Literotica? I didn’t realize such a thing was possible. ;-)

This is actually a comment I have heard before, so do not feel that you are the only one making it. I am taking a look at this issue during my final edit / re-write, but I cannot guarantee any changes to this item will occur. I do appreciate the input, though.

Re: flying_sheep

When I made the decision to split the original story into two parts I fully accepted that there were more than a few “decent” stopping points within the story. However, I had three important goals that determined why I chose this place:

1. I wanted at least some sense of accomplishment in a section of the story where there is precious little. The chapter where Charis and Paramonos FINALLY having their first moment together was something that I was certain I wanted in Vol 2.

2. Vol. 2 was all about preparing for war, and preparation doesn’t stop until the enemy is met in battle. I wanted Vol. 2 to be about how both sides PREPARED for the Erosian War (not fought it), with no ‘spill over’ of that preparation into the actual volume detailing the war itself (Vol. 3).

3. I wanted Vol. 3 to start with a ‘bang’, not a ‘wet fart’. The decision of where to end Vol. 2 included the choice of how I wanted Vol. 3 to begin. Vol. 3 starts strong, really strong, with Ch. 1-5 dealing with the invasion of Calavius. It is the first time the reader is exposed to how the Amandurans wage war, and I had no desire to have the first few chapters of the next volume deal with the movement of troops or the side story of Exitibus.

4. The conversation between David and Laurena in the epilogue needed to be included in this work, because the emotional journey that Laurena went through during the trials didn’t end when she left the island. The sea voyage wasn’t just some plot device, it was a necessary part of Laurena’s development. She was isolated from external distractions for months; allowing her to train not just her body, but also her mind in preparation for the coming conflict. It was the Erosian equivalent to a monk cloistered away from the world in order to focus. David’s talk with Laurena occurred when he saw that her journey of self-improvement had stalled, and she needed a kick in the right direction.

Re: Anonymous (Do this right)

Part of why I chose to write this story was because NO OTHER STORY like this one has EVER gotten it completely right. I may be the first, or not. However, you assume that the magical knowledge and training of a non-martial society (Erosius) is equal to that of a society that has been at war for three decades and venerates the Goddess of War (UK of Amandure). The Erosians have never had to deal with arrow volleys before, and David’s half-assed first attempt was developed in about a month. You should never consider something David discovers through a few days of experimentation to be the "best" magic. He has the most power, not the most knowledge. To pirate your analogy: A shield would be worthless against a boulder, but you are assuming that the Amandurans haven't figured how to "step out of the way" after over 30 years of constant war.

Yes, we all want the heroes to triumph over evil. However, keep in mind that in this case evil has 6,600 VETERAN troops (in just their first wave) from a martial society with over 30 YEARS of experience being at war. The Erosians have about 3,000 troops that have only been training for 3 months. You can go back in history and look at the first few years of the American Revolutionary War to see what happens when professional veteran soldiers fight poorly trained conscripts. To quote an LT on deployment with me, "They get their shit pushed in!"

Does David have a technological advantage? Hell yes! But is it realistic to believe that one man with a Light Machine Gun can single handedly defeat a 6,600-man army being led by the champion of a war goddess? The sword of realism is double-edged.

Re: TheOldRomantic

The different appearance of “champion” is based on how it is used. If it is used as a proper noun (Champion) such as “Champion of Eros” or a title “how can I help you Champion?” then it is capitalized. If it is used as a regular noun “there have been many champions” then it is not capitalized. It follows the same rules as a military rank (Ex: captain, Captain, sergeant, Sergeant, etc.). It is devilishly tough to edit though, and it is entirely possible that I have screwed up a few of them during this sequence.

Re: Anonymous (Triad)

I am certain that many readers want to see David, Sapphire, and Laurena end up together. I am also certain that a significant number want to see David with Laurena, rather than Sapphire; or even Sapphire with Laurena. Then there are those that want to see David with every female of legal age in Erosius. I just hope that by the close of Vol. 10 most of my readers enjoyed both the journey and the ending.

Continue writing these & I am quite sure you are going to be published soon and out of our reach for free entertainment on literotica like the other writers here....

Your story was really enjoyable and i am waiting for more.... thank you for sharing your experiences with us...

They are just pissed that you are not continuing fast enough for their interest keep writing & keep posting till you get a good publisher.

& Thank you for making me forget my troubles. ;) :) :D

I'm going to agree with a bit of what has been said here, but give my own reasons. For one, I loved the story, and the world you have created is broad and feels lived in, even if it seems to have multiple stories happening at once. I'm a bit strange myself in that I don't mind an info dump when it comes to the magic system, I actually prefer to know the rules that the characters are operating within fairly early, unless there is a good reason for us to learn at the same rate as the characters. I also don't mind the cliffhanger ending, I have a few books that have ended on cliffhangers, and I have had to wait years for the next volume to come out, if the story is as good as this one, it is often worth the wait.

The only two real gripes I had with this volume, were twofold.

1. Subplots, now I'm not saying that I mind a story with subplots, but by the end of this chapter we have the main plot of David, Saphire and Laurena as the champions and their Companion? Defending the realm. The secondary Plot of the Church organising an army to defend the realm. The tertiary plot of the Shadow criminal organisation in Exitibus. The fourth plot of the Amanduran army leaders, and the lesser plots that you introduced of Timothy an family, and Charis and her admirer.

2. Terminology, I'll admit this is a fairly minor thing, but anytime you started using the military terms for the Erosian army I was lost, I had to keep a note to remind me what a polemarch, lagos, and whatever else they were meant in terms I was familiar with. I know you made that choice for immersion, but frankly I don't think anyone would have noticed the difference if you had stuck with a more common vernacular.

I really want to like this story, but there are some big issues with it. First, is the fact that the narrative wanders far too much. I think less than half of this second chapter was spent on the three main characters. A large portion of the story is divided up among numerous side plots that are frankly rather boring to read through.

The subplot about the construction of the army is tedious, and doesn't do anything to forward the plot. In addition, you placed Astinus as the character in charge of this segment, but I have already been led to not like him very much. Consequently, I don't want to read about him, because I don't like him.

The subplot about the pseudo-Dark Brotherhood in Exibitus is detracting as well. I don't care about Cassius, Varus, or any of the other characters here. They were ok as side characters when the main characters were interacting with them, but now they don't have any interaction with the main plot or characters, so I don't care what they do.

The last subplot is the one with Timothy and Dawn. This adds nothing to the story, it's just a cliché about a homecoming soldier. It's several pages that don't do anything.

I'm not trying to be mean, as I really hope that this story is the best it can be, so sorry if I come off as an asshole. Your dialogue and writing is quite good for online stories, and the premise holds a lot of promise.

tl;dr The main characters' story could be like 10 pages long, but boring subplots stretch it out to 33.

No joke, i actually dramt about being in this story as an observer. Thats how much i am enjoying this tale. Keep up the awesomeness! Cheers!!

Awesome story. cant say enough. a little dissapointed that you have not been tossing in little quips from the military. i served 9 years us army and national guard. and it is the little things that make a good story great, yours has them just hoping for a few more. maybe even a few suprises like i dont know ,a 4 duce mortar. or even a mk19 i know he could use magic to create one.

hope to see more soon

Okay, 5 stars from me. Very engaging story, with believable main characters in a fantastic world.

It is depressing to consider how long we will have to wait until you finish this tale. This is part 2 of 9? With how many months between the original part 1 and part 2?

Oh well, **sigh** life is hard, then you die.

So many comments to read in such a short time since you posted this, indicates to me that you are on the right track with this. And a definite lack of anonymous haters!

Even the Anons posted some good commentary.

I cannot help but compare this story to "Going Feet First"by DarkPulse, which BTW has not been continued, which is the drawback of reading stories written by "hobbyists" who may well lose interest in continuing their story. I got into that story for the aspect of the Dark Elves (absolutely crazy about Etaski and her Red Sisters of the Drow stories).

The parallels are there in the modern weapons( fully auto M-14 ), the conflicts among gods and goddesses, and the use of magic. Main difference in my mind is that the guy in GFF cannot reproduce ammo so he has to learn swordsmanship. In your story, it is okay that he can reload, but also good that he cannot conjure up more complex weapons, such as the 4.2 Mortar someone wished for.

Oh, my term "hobbyist"? Some use the term amateur instead, which simply means working for no pay. Literotica is filled with amateurs, by definition. There are multiple examples of people who have engaged in artistic endeavors in private, and received praise by the few people who know of their work to the extent that they finally go public, to great acclaim. These are what I mean by hobbyists. Quite up to the level of any professional, but simply pursuing their chosen craft or art for personal satisfaction. Literotica has several of these authors, much to our great good fortune.

As for sub-plots and supporting characters, there are two ways to handle them. In your case, the world continues to turn while the main characters do their travels and adventures, but the readers are informed of events that will impact them when they amble on back that way. In a strictly one point of view style, nothing happens outside of the view of the principal character. The result of this is lengthy dialog when the main guy does show up again and has to spend time being brought up to speed. Either way works, and either way will generate comments about wasting time on the main plot.

As for the amount of sex, well you answered that already, this IS Literotica. But, if you are contemplating publishing this story elsewhere, the simple trick is to write each sex encounter as a stand alone module. That is to say, the physical encounter itself can be pulled cleanly from the story and replaced by an enticing phrase, such as, "the sex with David which followed their entry into the Temple changed Saphire's outlook completely" or such acceptable statement. Depends on where you want to publish.

I personally do not care for the thousand word description type encounters where every single motion is described in excruciating detail. Get back to the action of the adventure story itself, is my preference. Although, I do feel you unduly punished Laurena (and us readers) by not having that 3-way sooner, ha ha. Keep doing it your way, I like it, and so do others, I'm sure.

Did I mention 5 stars? Waiting for more, good luck.

Really looking forward to the next chapter.

Thank you.

Story is awesome, there is no doubt about it. And I just finished my second read of this chapter. Can you make the hero to build a very small magical remote controlled helicopter that can be used for surveillance against the enemy. And if it can turn invisible and shoot the enemy that'd be awesome. Or maybe arrows that can lock on to a target will be awesome too.

Anonymous (you’re the best, you will probably publish and leave soon):

Thank you. Please know that this story began because of Literotica, it was self-published on Amazon SOLELY because of the encouragement of my Literotica readers, and it will always have a place on this site. Even IF I am ever offered a publishing deal, I will refuse any contract which requires me to remove this story from Literotica. Here it began, and here it will stay. It is a promise I made when I started this journey, and I will move heaven and earth to keep my promises. It is a matter of integrity, and responsibility. Without my Lit readers, this series would not exist.

Darthpimp:

In response to your issues…

1. Too many sub-plots/storylines. I understand that this element of Volume 2 is not for everyone, but most of these storylines tie together in Volume 3, and the rest intersect in Volume 4. These characters will have roles on par with Laurena and Sapphire in the future, so I wanted the readers to be aware of their journeys as well. The idea was for Vol 2 and 3 to be the same book, and it would have been less of an issue if I had published the story that way. However, I think it actually works better split into two volumes. The plethora of additional storylines remaining incomplete was just one of the downsides of that trade-off.

2. Terminology. I like to learn something new when I read, even fiction. If you pay attention to the terms, ranks, and tactics of the Erosian Army during the first few books of this series you will have a rather detailed knowledge of the 300 BC Spartan military. Congratulations, you are being both entertained and informed.

Imper1al:

I’m sorry you didn’t like the direction the story took. I have no plans to change my approach in the future, so if this is not a style of writing that you enjoy you may not want to continue reading this series. Not every work of fiction will appeal to every reader. I would never ask you to muddle through a story whose style did not appeal to you.

Anonymous (military quips):

There are a few in there, but not a lot. There are three elements that every story in this series will contain: (1) sex, (2) military references, and (3) Monty Python references. Quantities, however, will vary.

Kupa01:

I am trying to force myself to produce two volumes per year. Volume 1 and 2 were an anomaly timeline wise, for a variety of reasons. Volume 3 should be out by December 2017 (hopefully sooner). With ten books total I am projecting completion of this series around 2021. So if you expect to die before then you will have to hope that the reincarnation religions got it right, and finish the series on the next go around.

Anonymous (magical drones):

My approach to magic in Champions is that it is a force which must still obey basic scientific laws, but which operates on additional laws which have not yet been discovered. I am certain that if you gathered a mechanical engineer, an aerospace engineer, an electrical engineer, and a computer engineer and gave them magic then a drone would be likely. However, David is none of those things. He can make bullets because he learned the basics of reloading, and understands the principles of bullet construction and manufacturing. He also has a few on hand that he reverse engineered from. Crafting something from scratch is much harder. The series will progress technologically during each volume, but drones are a bridge too far at this point.

Self-guiding arrows (or bullets) might be a possibility though…

Wonderful Story! We have Faith in You!

Knowing what I learned as a Marine, and by extension what David must have learned in the Army, I look forward to reading about.... but horrified by the possibility of... what that knowledge can create when combined with the magical powers of creation. Removing all the technical gadgetry we use in our world for the creation of the item's necessary to achieve them, our worlds most deadly weapons are inherently simple in their application. I keep waiting for the realization that he has already demonstrated the ability to do EVERYTHING he needs.... to create the Magical equivalent of a Fuel Air Explosive, or worse.... to split the atom....

I loved it thanks for the great read will be looking forward to the next one.

Really looking forward to the end of your story keep up the good work hope it gets here sooner than you think

Paps

Finally came back to see if vol 2 had been finished yet...away for a few month...and find out its´ been out for a few month, sh--, wouldn´t you know it. Stopped checking back every week about a week or two afore it came out. Love this story bro, you´re keeping it real, and I mean "Real", in the context that it fits with all of us who read SciFi and Fantasy. Being a Septuaginerian, had to laugh at the time line for the volumes, but shouldn´t have any trouble reading all. Being a "field", rank on the sleeve, Jarhead for 30+ yrs, saw it go from steel pot/steel canteen, haversack and wooden e-Tool to 40+ pounds of mount-out gear and new weapons (still prefer a 45 as a sidearm though) and being in scrapes from DomRep/SE Asia/Caribbean/Panama/Central and South america/Africa/MidEast...Love a Good Combat Story, w/fantasy, new plots and sub-plots setting up your next chapter(s) and volumes (like J.R.R.Tolkien did with his volumes, but with sex thrown in, a lot of sex, love it)...not only 5* rating, but 5 "Kudohs" and 5 "Attaboys" and no "Oh-Shits" to subtract form them...just saying...my point of view. Thank you for all your time and effort on this story (BTW, am a very big history buff w/a good background on historical civilizations´ armies and weapons...love how you´ve brought the original people from earth and specifically from Greece...good choice). Again excellent to outstanding epic story.

I like it but it is annoying that there are such huge chapters. I would like it better in smaller bites.

Spent 12 hours reading the both of the new volumes. Totally enjoyed the story and I can't wait to read the next chapter! Keep up the hard work!

Awesome story. It should be rated a 5.....however I gave it a 3 because of the cliffhanger.

loved the story, can't wait to see ch. 3.

I really hope that the author adds more chapters.

I just have to know... it's been a long time since I have seen anything new for this story, is there more coming? I am cleaning out my bookmarks and sadly I removed allot of awesome stories.

That is the problem with allot of stories on here is that so many of them don't get finished.

Your a very gifted writer and would like to see where the rest of this story goes. Being as i first found your story while in Afghanistan it caught my attention quickly and i couldnt stop reading.

it has come and gone brother, and i hope it comes out soon. im having champion 3 nightmares. and only your next chapter will help.

I had a lot of fun reading the first parts and I am eager to see what the invasion will bring with so many powerfull indivduals in the mix.

I especially liked Laurenas character and how she developed from a selfish person to one that slowly understands love but has still to deal with character flaws like strong jealousy. But I am a bit worried about her future role, not really included in the main relationship, a memory how victory can mean there is a price to pay and a sacrifice spell only she knows are huge red lights. I hope she gets her happy ending and doesn‘t end as a tragic sacrifice for David or Sapphire rescue.

This story has been a wonderful journey. Please continue it.

When will you be continueing the story? I can hardly wait to continue reading!!!

Really enjoying this story!!! You have a true talent for this. I pray that you continue this very soon. Keep up the great work.

Impatiently waiting for part 3 :)

What an epic you have started! These first two volumes have kept me enthralled. Thank you for sharing your story telling prowess with us!

Any chance VOL 3 will be coming out soon?

I can't help but worry about the likelihood of any of them surviving...

Ok, really three couples but I still would be surprised if the sheriff isn't a bad guy...

And so much for "...will not be another year..." Erf...

Absolutely loved it! Any estimate of when we should look for the 2nd part? I hope you are doing well and that the delay has nothing to do with anything bad that happened in your life! I wish you joy for all the joy you bring to us!

How is part 3 coming?

Love what you have done. Looking forward to more. Now April 21, 2018. Hope you are well.

What happened to the next Volume??

Not sure if the writer gave up writing, Suffered an accident, Or just forgot all about literotica. But its been a long time. And I don't want to see this story go the way "going feet first" ended since it stopped(?) aswell. Hope you return and didin't abandon us.

-Moose

Spreading love, Not hate

If I'm reading your rank and mil units id correctly: then on page 30 I believe the IOTA Mountain Mora would mean IOTA(10th) MOUNTAIN MORA(Div)

redone6566

You are correct. That was the 10th Mountain Reference.

SE101

Loved the gripping story line,Looking forward to read part 3

an thank you for all the time you put in writing this story

I really appreciate you sharing this tale with us. It has been well written and very enjoyable. I sincerely hope you will share Vol. 03 with us at some point in the future. Thank you!

Great work Brother! Hope all is well. I look forward to reading the rest!

V/R,

Chief

And I pray to allmighty Athiesmo that you're still alive and writing as of today, but there's been no additional word on your Biography page, your Amazon page, or in the comment sections, and no new books, so I'm now rather concerned...

If you're alive, could you fire-off an update to your Bio section?

Would be nice to know the world hasn't lost another writing talent.

Very good read. Look forward to the next chapter

I was enjoying this story until the subplot to do with this Night Lord crap came up in the first part, and this chapter just escalates it to 11. Every time it shows up I shake my head because it's so predictable. It's painfully obvious from the very get-go who the 'Night Lord' is, and as such everything to do with it is made incredibly boring and pointless.

Every time the perspective shifted away from the main characters back to it I couldn't help but groan, and after the big fight in the trees ended the way I did I just couldn't be bothered anymore. I made it about halfway through this part before I just gave up.

I know the author hasn't been active for a long time, but it bears stating anyway. All knowing, all powerful bad guys are not compelling antagonists, especially when they're supposed to have 'secret identities.'

you put in some ref to 10th mountain and asked that we find them I believe the ref I found might be the ones you put in: "Fortune favors the prepared", "Fortuna prepartis", moutain mora. If I remember right that is the div motto and mora means 10 so mountain mora is 10th mountain

Not a known quantity in these forums. Totally enjoy your stories.

I guess I don't understand why everyone cares about the priestess who gets a train ran on her at every church service. That came up in volume 1 and I cheered when the dragon girl swooped in to save him from her.

But here he is in a 3 way relationship with high priestess airtight champion goo gobbler. meh

So was this it? I’m loving this story, and truly hope to read more. But seeing that it’s been well over a year since there’s been any kind of update, can we assume that this is a discontinued story?

What a shame. Now I am angry with myself for investing so much time into reading Volumes 1 and 2. I hate when this happens.

I once assumed a story was dropped and commented much to that affect. And I was very wrong at that time. Maybe you heard of it? The Missing Dragon, By Lien Geller. I will not make the same mistake here. However. It has been over a year since last you updated your profile at which time you spoke of the imminent continuation of your story. Nothing of that nature was ever posted. I know I am not the only one to state this, but we hope you are well. Even if you have nothing to post, would be nice to see some evidence of Life.

-Wolf

I lke this Novell, unfortunately not competed, I always finding this sci fi soldier character I like, pleae complete.

I found same start in 'Going Feet First' byDarkPulse, although start is almost same bu outcome differ so much.

Great story as far as you have come... but it would be awesome to know if you are still writing...

I could only be GR8ful , content , and appreciative . To have experienced this GR8 story thus far . Truly a gifted writer . Sharing freely what he likely spent easily a year of his time writing . I personally thank him for his works . If there is no more . I will not be disappointed . I wish him GR8 success .

I will be on to the next free amazing story . Of which there is no short supply .

Has anyone contacted the author privately and received a response?

This was a very good story. It sure looks like this is it. The last post on his fakebook page was summer 2018. Too bad. I just hope the author is alive.

exceedingly good for a first time author.

I hope he can bring himself to posting the third chapter, even if it is incomplete, resolving the cliffhanger would be greatly appreciated :)

Best reference ever. "Go for the eyes, Bertha! Go for the eyes!"

one of the beat written novel here.

Never boring, great plot, great characters development.

You did an amazing job but I agree we would like to read more chapters and continue this journey.

keep up the good work!

Eros speed

I feel unworthy to comment, but ....

Incredible story, exceedingly well written, inspirational and intensely personal.

Even though I'm ex services, it's difficult to imagine the experiences, thoughts and conflicts you've shared in this series, yet it also reads as bridge between ours and a fantasy world based in what I believe to be a universal reality. I really like that you don't treat magic in the usual 'something for nothing' way, but as a logical construct.

I hope you are finding your way, and at some time are able to share the rest of this story and a little more of your journey.

D

Kenny, I hope all is good in your life and that one day you'll be able to continue this series.

Where are you?

Nothing for years.

Still with us?

Should i stop looking?

Really good story.

rick

Hey it's far past the due date. I am still waiting for final part .

I change my vote from a 5 to 2 because it's been 3 f****** years on a cliffhanger this is b*******

Absolutely brilliant story. Looking forward to the next part.

outstanding, superb! Please, let there be Champions Vol. 3. And Vol. 4. And 5...

Or tell me where I can get it.

not sure what happened to Screaming eagle, but if he is unable to finish the story, maybe someone else can do it for him... this story needs and ending.

Ok this is 3/13/2021 u said vol 3 in 2017 whats up with this ? Anybody kno whats happening ? This is a great story but immleft hanging for what 4 years .... please finish.

So disappointed there are no more chapters this so needs to be finished. Considered buying the first 2 on Amazon but don’t want to if there is no ending in sight.

OMFG, please for the love of God finish this story!!!!!!

“...The Sophia and Chariot continued to make their slow and careful way towards the harbor entrance, all eyes on the smoke rising from the city. That was their downfall.

No one on board either vessel noticed the enemy triremes, their oars muffled, coming silently behind them— that is, until the first canisters of magically-guided and enhanced Greek fire landed on the decks of both ships, The same fiery missiles that had set Calavius on fire now turned the wooden ships into infernos, as decks and masts burst into flame and burning sails dropped onto crew members frantically seeking to fight the blazes.

A spar, covered in burning pitch, struck Sapphire from behind,, and David watched helplessly as she was knocked into the burning sea. He dove over the side, frantic to save her, realizing too late that the weight of his armor was pulling him under the waves.

Laurena’s robes were splashed with burning pitch, and a sailor threw a bucket of sea water over her. It only served to spread the flames, though. Screaming with pain, she too jumped into the sea. Unburdened by armor, she floated on the burning surface until she painfully succumbed.

Meanwhile, both wooden ships, now floating conflagrations, foundered. The enemy, having no interest in taking prisoners, let them sink, their archers pincushioning the few sailors able to swim beyond the burning oil.”

And so, sadly, ends our tale. Was it real? Did David really find himself in in a strange alternate dimension, in a place called Erosia? Or was all this just the final hallucinations of an American soldier, dying on an Iraqi hillside?

Only Screaming Eagle 101 knows, and sadly, he’s not telling.

This was an excellent story. However, it is obvious that the writer is no longer going to be adding to this site. Book three has been available for kinder via Amazon since 2017. So even the last update in 2018 was not correct. So despite a good story, I have removed this writer from my lists. Shame but there are others ready to be read. Thank you for your service, I have read up on you and if you do get around to read this site, I wish you well

So sex is how they show love and praise their god. Having group of dudes with one chick is not giving blessings of love. This is lust and pleasure. Anal has obviously been done during these blessings. That would be the final nail proving that this worship is not about love. Eros is now god of lust. This is not a knock on the story. The story is great. Sex has been kept to a minimum but still plenty of scenes. It doesn’t take up the whole story.

Glad that anonymous person that finished the ending doesn’t write for real. Plus this story is one the best I have read here. Just wish people could finish what they start. If you are going for a long story it would be better to put out the first chapter or a section of it to get feed back. Then write the whole story and post it after completion so we don’t end up like this.

At the end of this story he was talking about 2017. But if you go to his Facebook page you will see that the last post is from 2018, and he's still talking about getting Vol. 3 out. Obviously that didn't happen. Kindle has four books on Amazon, but they are actually 2. They Vol.1 in two versions, and Vol.2 in two versions. Both have a standard and an un-censored version. There is no Vol. 3. At least, not on Amazon. If you search by the names of the books I think you'll find everything there is. For whatever reason, it's been 3 years since he's said anything anywhere, that I can find. I don't think he'll be back, although I'll keep checking off and on. Was fun while it lasted.

A really great story, with great character depth.

One of my favouite authors.

The last post was from 2018. Three years is enough time to get sent back to Sandbox, Afghanistan, and be delivered home in a box. I have no idea, but I really hope that wasn't the case.

Sadface either way :(

OMG . . . Please make Volume 3 available to us !!!

The suspense is incredible!!!

Please don't abandon these people in their time of need !!!

It's a great story, worthy of a finish by a witer as skilfull as you !!!