All Comments on 'The Lust of a Young Adventurer Ch. 01'

by EnglishMcB

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  • 7 Comments
Larry WolffLarry Wolffalmost 7 years ago
Shay and the story

The story has potential, could be fun following its progress. Keep going, the Freya track has the possibility of drama and passion. Now Shay, she is fairly tall and then she is petite. Which is she, as tall women aren't petite. Slender, willowy, lanky, rangy, svelte or lissome can be tall or petite. Tall can't be petite.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 7 years ago

The biggest rule of writing is "Show, don't tell." You give a big information dump at the start which might be better expressed if the information were implied rather than stated.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 7 years ago
Good idea, needs work

Might consider rewriting this. The information dump is overwhelming, and a bit confusing at the beginning with gaps left to be filled. Is Shay tall or short? Whats is up with Mikhael and why is he alone/without family? "battle hardened man and no town blacksmith" means what?

It seems like you have some great ideas, but take some time to build them up. Be descriptive, without throwing it all out at once. You could have a good long story if you built the world up as you wrote and took the time to build the back story before rushing into your main plot.

EnglishMcBEnglishMcBalmost 7 years agoAuthor
Feedback

Thanks for the feedback guys. Looks like it needs some tweaking. I'm gonna take some time to review

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 7 years ago
Suggestion

This is just my preference but this story would be great if Mikhael exerts dominance over the women in the village and puts the weaker men in their place. That way you can have an excuse for him having a harem and eventual threesome Freya and her daughter.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 7 years ago

A great start with lots of potential, looking forward to reading more soon hopefully.

echo29echo29almost 7 years ago
Got my attention

Go on, continue your storyline, get your outline going and read your own work, you'll see what's needed. Be lookong forward to see what ypu come up with.

Anonymous
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