That was a nice fic. I liked it a lot. I liked the character development and the vivid images. Nice going. bye.
- Lucien Henky.
by
Anonymous08/19/04
Wonderful build up
I loved this story. You combined a great build up with a dualism that just worked great. And for a cliffhanger you couldn't have done better!! I can't wait for more!!
The ideas you have are fine, but I couldn't read past the description of your first character because you're writing in such inane detail (who cares if she uses Colgate total or wears Hanes underwear?). What could have been beautiful becomes tedious. You definitely show signs of promise but really need to pare down to necessary details and let the writing flow- I think you're trying too hard just now. Good luck!
I really liked the "jerky style". The way you introduced your characters was something completely new, it made me curious about the story. Though I have to say, the end was a bit sudden (compared to the beginning), it might have been a good strategy, if you're planning to write another story.
by
Anonymous03/22/12
Ummm, okay?
I saw no other comments so I'm going to put my two cents out there. Why in the name of all that's holy do we need to know what kind of toothpaste she uses, that she emptied her bowels (ewwwwwwwwww) and any other minute beat to death detail you choose to add. Sometimes less is more and in this case, a hell of a lot less is needed. You describe and explain things that don't need to be described and/or explained. All you had to say is that she awakened, stretch and headed to the bathroom to get ready for the day. Describe some things fleetingly and stop giving us info on people taking a dump! To me, that will NEVER be sexy!
by
Anonymous02/09/15
Keep it up.
Refreshing and quite intriguing. if you do not continue this story please continue writing. EarthStallion.
English
Nice story, yo !
That was a nice fic. I liked it a lot. I liked the character development and the vivid images. Nice going. bye.
- Lucien Henky.
Wonderful build up
I loved this story. You combined a great build up with a dualism that just worked great. And for a cliffhanger you couldn't have done better!! I can't wait for more!!
darklover1975@hotmail.com
I didn't. Like the jerky. Style of writing.
The ideas you have are fine, but I couldn't read past the description of your first character because you're writing in such inane detail (who cares if she uses Colgate total or wears Hanes underwear?). What could have been beautiful becomes tedious. You definitely show signs of promise but really need to pare down to necessary details and let the writing flow- I think you're trying too hard just now. Good luck!
Great build-up
I really liked the "jerky style". The way you introduced your characters was something completely new, it made me curious about the story. Though I have to say, the end was a bit sudden (compared to the beginning), it might have been a good strategy, if you're planning to write another story.
Ummm, okay?
I saw no other comments so I'm going to put my two cents out there. Why in the name of all that's holy do we need to know what kind of toothpaste she uses, that she emptied her bowels (ewwwwwwwwww) and any other minute beat to death detail you choose to add. Sometimes less is more and in this case, a hell of a lot less is needed. You describe and explain things that don't need to be described and/or explained. All you had to say is that she awakened, stretch and headed to the bathroom to get ready for the day. Describe some things fleetingly and stop giving us info on people taking a dump! To me, that will NEVER be sexy!
Keep it up.
Refreshing and quite intriguing. if you do not continue this story please continue writing. EarthStallion.
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