All Comments on 'The Way You Look Tonight Ch. 01'

Pick a POV and stick with it. Flopping around like that drove me out of the story. Good luck. You admire good writers. Maybe I'll look back after the story is finished.

Keep up the good work.

Started out as a combination of "The Godfather" and "Goodfellas." Poor young girl was brutalized physically and psychologically as a young child and in high school became the "go to" girl for the guys. After high school was lured by a con man with the promise of big money to life in a gentleman's club. Cordoleone huh? Now she's in college putting her life together. Soon to meet her future husband. Let's see how this goes. No rating yet.

Yo, watch the stereotype's. You're hurting my feelings

cuck shit.

Thanks for the story! In my opinion:

Pros: strong picture created up front of Candice looking at the photo album, good description of Condo the mafioso, and later on, an exciting, vivid scene

Cons: Too much "very"/"really"/"pretty much"--just pick the word you mean, dude! Plot jumped around a bit--the part from Candice's POV came out of nowhere and then she was raped and Condo shot a guy in all of one little paragraph.

SO: with some steadier pacing and meatier verbiage, you'll kick ass.

into the "business" which happens all too often, although usually not so willingly. A promising start to the story. ( Incidentally, can`t that fuckin` idiot write anything other than `cuck shit` ? Jeez - all the intelligence of a bag of fuckin` popcorn )

She's a good girl who went astray! No ! She's a whore. It's her dad's fault ! No , she'd be a good woman today if not for smooth talking thug . Ok . Ok. Here goes ...we've all seen this play out before. I sympathize with author because this trope, she's trying to get over with, is less worn then most. Yet the key lies in making the characters POP into consciousness.

A previous comment mentioned ' Goodfellows ' . Great example ! It's just a gangster movie afterall ...with unforgettable characters and multiple gold karat scenes. That's a high standard admittedly, but my point is this story needed to break the mold at some point. I like the big idea playing out . It's decades later, but shady past is likely to cast giant shadow over narrator .

The creeps need to aquire Pesci/DeNiro intensity if only for just one scene. The authoress is a newbie so I'm not going to get hypercritical. The five star standard is" 3 great scenes , no weak ones ". Good luck.

Hope you share more stories with us.Thanks

this story is of a mentally disturbed girl who uses sex as her addiction, 2* because it had potential

There are only a few variations of story lines. What separates good stories from the rest is whether a story gets the reader to care about the character and invest in the details of the character's life. You have done that here. Excellent start.****

Why the low score, so far true to life, those naysayers need a life. Once a whore always a whore that's bullshit. Her family history started her off on the wrong foot. But some people can change. Give this and others a real chance on life. Our country is so divided by hate and fear, greed and ignorance. This is the only country that doesn't provide health care to its citizens. Guns over food donimate.

Otherwise, well done.

Interesting enough to keep reading.

Thanks.

. . . just OK. Mildly looking forward to more.

And I realize you're trying to build characters, but this moved at a glacial pace and wasn't all that interesting. At the end I guess my reaction was "so what"? There was simply nothing entertaining about it.

An outstanding job for your first venture into the swamp that is the Loving Wives category. I’m sure many of us will be looking for your next chapter.

I must say, you have peeled back a skin on the rotten onion our beloved LW category has become. By my count, while you did use 1st person POV, you only switched POV once and you clearly gave us a heads-up. And this threw readers out of the story? Man! Apparently they have one heck of a problem reading a novel, where POVs switch continuously throughout. To give them credit, yes—most novels are written in 3rd person, but the only heads-up the readers get is usually the chapter change.

Multiple chapter stories are my least favorite, but that’s just one of my quirks. You’ve told your story your way, and my job is to enjoy, score and comment, if I feel so led. Given your experience, I think you did one hell of a job on this one. I give it a 5! (Maybe I shouldn’t have, since it may lead others to offset it with a 1. (Oh well…. Such is the way of LW today.)

whats coming and so do most of us . and it ain't going to be pretty for her so many of you readers need to start feeling sorry for Nicky and hope he never falls in love with or marries her... He is going to get hurt, pissed and very angry, but maybe with luck the story will add the epilogue that lets us know he lives well and survives and she doesn't do either.

I had read some comments first, then story.

One comment mentioned why the low score.

I think this can be attributed to a couple of key reasons:

1) you could skip and sum up over at least half of this story and still get the picture.

2) Using the cliche of a girl that is supposedly smart, near genius falling for the likes of a smooth talking slime ball; seems rather braindead to this reader.

Also, having read several stories like this with a variety of outcomes: from parting of the ways and ex-wife falls back into old ways to husband loves her so much he goes total commando leaving a trail of bloody bodies of all those who ever did her wrong in her past and, the couple go sailing off into the sunset together.

So, I guess time (& the author) will tell where this one falls. As someone once mentioned to me: "there is nothing new under the sun"; unless aliens are involved... lol

While I do echo your comments welcoming a new writer to the site, I must respectfully disagree with your characterization of the Loving Wives category as a "Swamp" or a "rotten onion."

Those are comments that I do not find at all reflective of my experience. It is true that there are swampy denizens here, but the vast majority of those who read and comment, I have found to be kind, gracious and very enthused. I believe it is the most dynamic and vibrant genre around, and I have posted stories in nine different genres on four different sites.

While I get a few crude and vulgar comments, and some half dozen of the "Nigger Bitch" variety, on every story, the overwhelming majority are gracious, even when they do not admire the story I've written. That is both the named, and anonymous varieties. You may perceive it as a "swamp," but that has NOT been my experience.

It is a tiny vocal minority who do not understand civility. It will be easy to demonstrate. Tune in eleven days from today. There will be great new stories from the past masters of the craft, epic stories, some of them. Quick-hitting funny stories, dramatic classics. See the reactions of the readers, read the stories, then give your opinion of the "swamp." It's a badge of honor for the Florida Gators. Maybe such writers as DeYaKen, PostScriptor, MattBlackUK, Britease, JPB, DTIverson and 13 more can make the term "swamp" into a nickname that is not pejorative. Then drop me a line and tell me what you think. Cheers, Randi.

Boring, cloying and pointless. You really need an editor.

I rated this a 5 star story so far because it reflects the authors ability to present material that really happens in society. I don't know where you'll bring this story but, it is extremely difficult for any child to go through the brutal upbringing and experiences without emotional scars that run very deep. I'm looking for ward to see how you develop this character and the eventual outcome - it can't be as simple as calling her a whore or her husband a cuck. Thanks for the free story,

Bubba

looking forward to the rest.

Some readers want "quick" action, other know the trip down the road is part of the story journey.

Thanks for posting -

It's the biodiversity that makes them interesting. There are some fascinating creatures in a swamp.

Lue

I think you may be the rotten onion in the swamp. That's what carolinadreamer meant. He builds the swamp, the rotten onions come. If you build it, they will come. Not much biodiversity there, just rotten onions and swamp gas. Even the mosquitoes leave.

so far this story could be written by many girls that started out in life this way. there are many girls even guys that have done things in the past that they would hope to not ever have to explain to the people in their life now. lots of times it does stay a secret but the way this one started looks like it came back full force. hope for the next chapter soon.

How could she not realize that being a whore wouldn't come back to haunt her? If she ever got any kind of attention, one of the probably thousands of guys who fucked her would recognize her and rat her her skank ass out. O a smart girl would know that and never go down that road. How long until the next installment?

I don't mind a LITTLE back story, though I hate when we have to read about every date they had, but an entire chapter and she hasn't even MET her husband yet?

Regarding the Preface: “Running away” CAN be a form of revenge! Revenge doesn’t have to mean going all BTB on the cheaters.

Also, you mention multiple parts. I know part two is up today. How many parts may we expect? Neither preface indicates how long this will be. As far as being a technical writer, I won’t go into how that might affect style, but it doesn’t help in self-editing. The problem with self-editing is we tend to see what we expect to see, and don’t notice when it isn’t there! Also, we know what we meant, so we can’t appreciate when something isn’t clear to a reader. An editor can help there!

with enough smarts to finagle her way up, TK U MLJ LV NV

An interesting start, but based on intro, doesn't seem to bode well for our little slut Candy. Cordo will be back.

Nagyon jók az írásai,ha folytatná tovább, akkor a legnagyobb LW irók egyikévé válhatna!Gratulálok!

I stopped at the clue. Sinatra sucks.