All Comments on 'Mother of a Ghost'

Less is more.

Yes, very poignant; sad. The short lines reminded me of a heart beat. Perhaps for that reason I would have written

flowing

in the lifestream of

the one remaining

Good idea, blah execution. Reads like you're trying to add too much emotion to it. What is it called, 'emo'. I read this and think, 'this person is over the top in their depression' I don't think about the poem in a "poignant" way, I think, 'they are trying to hard' in their description.

If I lose another child, I'll try not to be so "emo" about it.

I teared up. I love how you use simple language to convey a tragic loss.

MellisaBaby, your poem is simple and moving, I have only good impressions.

I'll add a few remarks (cold analysis?--this part of my comment is optional). You could stop your poem on line "never gone". Your poem would not lose anything significant. Indeed, there are some repetitions, and also globally, we are not gaining much, be it materially or artistically. Actually, artistically, the second part is a bit weaker.

Remark (technical detail): line "never gone" applies to the both parts of your poem like a hinge in a tanka.

If you did want to expand your poem, then your continuation should introduce something essentially new. Here is a possibility: you may very briefly describe a couple of specific moments, small events in the woman's life, after the sad experience. This time you'd speak about the external world, meaning--not inside of the mother's body. And each time there would just an association to what has happened, perhaps quite discrete association.

Finally, about the title. This title is more like a summary than ANOTHER poetic element which contributes to the poem. Even something simple like "Childless Mother" would keep the readers a bit more on their toes; and you'd avoid, so-to-speak, "poetic aggression". However, you may still try for a much better title (it's not easy but then...). Don't feel necessarily obliged to feature "mother" (or any of its synonyms) in the title.

Thank you for your poem, thank you a lot.

greenmountaineer, your observation about heart rhythm is interesting while your staccato reformatting of the respective phrase is at odds with the involved words, especially "flowing" but also "lifestream", ... (Even your heart is not beating that mechanically).

A beautiful concept, but you line, "flowing in the lifestream of the one remaining" is a wonderful idea but it disrupts the rapid fire flow of the rest of the poem. You almost get a heartbeat like pace going then throw in a life threatening arrhythmia. Don't let ANYONE get to you about the emotion! I am a retired OB doc and miscarriages are as heart rending as loosing any other child.

hi, mel :)

i'm gonna go into more detail over on the thread you created in the PoBo, but there's a whole lot to appreciate in this piece. it could stand improvement - it's a rare poem that couldn't! mine certainly could :p

for here, for now, i'd suggest altering the title for something less ... prosaic? :rose:

i like the spare manner you've used to address such a painful issue - i think that works in its favour and i totally disagree with the anon's summary. this is far from emo.

did you use word or notepad or (?) to format this? can't remember offhand which programme does it, but one of those adds those extra spaces between lines which can spoil the appearance of your poem on the screen.

Your poem is very moving. The concept of DNA from a lost one remaining within the mother is comforting. I like the spareness of this poem and the white spaces as they echo the emotion of your words. I am sorry for your loss.

Made me want to cry. Not much does that.

Thanx 5*

how diffusion creates miracles TK U MLJ LV NV

Your poem touched me deeply. We lost a child at birth long ago. My wife has mentioned that she feels that our lost son is still a part of her. Your poem reminded me of all of that. I'm a little sad now, in a good way. Thank you for sharing.

Eighteen years

Hearts still burn

Tears can’t flow

Life goes on

What could be

Good poem, could be better. Some good poets, Greenmountaineer and Senna for examples make useful comments. I would have ended it sooner but at a different point to that which others suggest.

After the line 'never gone' the next and last line could perhaps read 'A ghost alive in her blood.'

You could even swap those last two lines. It would leave the future still there, but hanging in the reader's imagination. Then omit the last 8, or is it 9 lines.

One or two other words might be trimmed out, but mebbe not. For economy of words used to maximum effect 'Angeline,' who has written here for yonks is one of the best examples.

unbearably poignant.

What a powerful poetry. I'm deeply sorry for anyone loss. Thank you for sharing.

Eighteen years ago.

We didn't know him, he was standing at the edge of the group.

He said, "Well, look on the bright side" before I turned off my ears.

I remember him when I need to vomit.

I am not a poet, nor do I read it very often. It is clear to me that you were describing you deep sorrow and loss. My condolences, I know several people who have lost children. It is by far the hardest thing you can go through. It is also very dificult to ever truely move pass. You are very brave to share this on a forum where anyone can be so uncaring. Thank you for doing so.

very sad

Beautifully poignant and thought provoking. And loved your perfect/deserved “emo” response to anonymous comment — so much like your sassy style.

I would not wish for anonymous from 5 years ago to lose a child so as to understand your 'emo' as he (I'm absolutely certain it had to have been a 'he', of sorts at least) but without experiencing that loss, no one could understand what you went through. Thank you for your courage in sharing such a tragically personal event. lpw

I’m not much of a poetry connoisseur but that is one of the most beautiful and sad contemplations I have ever read. It sounds like it has been a long time, but I’m so sorry for your loss.

This is the most horrible scenario ….. two hearts one soul like connection, broken into smallest pieces , earthshaking pain and no way to heal this …… he is the angel watching your every step

My sympathy my tears for you namaste

🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Poignant. Can be interpreted more than one way. Losing a child at any stage of life is traumatic. The memory is always there. It's the same for fathers.

So sad, so true and touching. Beautiful. Thank you.

Thank you for sharing this heartbreaking poem

The wound that never heals, the loss of love’s potential. Ppfzz

It comes from your heart. I lost my first child to abortion. Not my idea, but her right. My son lost a baby to miscarriage which imploded his relationship, but he has since had two beautiful babies with a beautiful woman and they are the centre of my heart.