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I couldn't even read that
Sentences start with a Capital letter!!
It was hard to tell where sentences started and ended. Poor effort. I got as far as the first paragraph. I think you're trying to give your readers a headache.
Good story, just needs proofreading.
I liked the story and thought it was pretty good; however, as the previous reply said, you should proofread your stories before submitting them. I hope to hear more about what "The Last" and "Hellion" are. Keep writing and you will become much better at it. Practice Makes perfect.
just so you know...
there's a reason that none of it is capitalised... and punctuated with ellipses... if you can't be inventive enough to read through different grammar then don't bother...
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