All Comments on 'The Deal Ch. 01'

This is absolutely brilliant, I hope you can release more this week.Good job

21/9/17

Reminds me a lot of the Fate series.

I love the manga. You are doing a bang up job of bringing the feel of the manga to a text story. Thank you for the fun. Long chapters are fine. Most times you just get into short chapters when they end. Very Frustrating.

So far it's a great story, I love the way you've left so many possibilities open whilst making us invested in the characters, you've captured the way a great D&D character story should evolve, I sincerely look forward to more of this story.

This is a great story but I have an idea for later. You probably already have this planned but can Marcus create his own demon later?

Thanks for all the positive feedback as for your comment darkdesire230 the orginal idea i had was he was going to create golems and give them artifical souls but the idea of artifical demons does seem interesting thank you for that ill keep running it through my head. If anyone else has ideas please let me know. Always want to hear my readers suggestions.

Are you thinking "log horizon" style with the attempted realistic party set up? Or something more "legendary moonlight sculptor"/"sao" where protagonist has god tier powers with just a support harem? (Lms isn't as bad as sao in my oppinion, but ... debates)

Game wise, are you trying to stick to the more fantasy genre? Or with some guns will it turn into an intresting syfy/fantasy mix with some not only demonic tech but possibly angelic/demonic combo, will the earth government be after our protagonist - thinking he's an alien? Will there be any space adventures where another religion (scientology would be a fun thing to poke at but not sure how fleshed out that story thread could go) has it's alien hell.

I can rapid fire ideas on this topic all day, but I strongly suggest you slow down with the powers for a decent length read - unless you Bleach out his powers every time he stands on top to keep the story interesting.

Ranting over, I'm interested and very curious what path this story follows

I "hell" like where you are going with this story, and i think you should keep to the large uploads as it helps keep the flow imo.

Also i think the fast leveling is a great idea

Great work...loved reading it.. in my humble opinion..9 Lit pages is actually a very decent length for a chapter. Shorter ones just whet your apetite..hehe. A summation of the characters skills/level/perks/etc panel at start and end of chapter would be awesome. A detailed Log like the one in this chapter at the end....meh...okay i guess...i just sorta zoomed over it all.

The plot itself isn't the most original, but it's engaging enough. What I'd suggest you to work on is 1) the characters, they tend to be polarized and not shaded enough, and 2) the dialogues, they feel a little bit off, not very realistic.

Another criticism I feel about the story: it seems a little cheesy, what with Richard/Marcus deciding to be a hero just like that and finding companions willing and able to help him without much of a challenge. Overall I think that things have gone too smoothly for him since Eve's evocation.

I'm currently reading The Gamer, so I'm totally into the story. Other than a few punctuation and spelling errors, this was a good read. I laughed to myself at the line 'You have added a second member to your hare.. I mean party'. Makes me wonder if the God (Goddess? Could be...) who is writing the Log posts is a pervert. Can't wait for the next chapter.

Thank you for all of the feedback, I didn't think that my story would do this well and it definitely makes me happy. I'm going to try to get the next chapter up sometime next month, however I won't make any promises because noone knows what the future holds. If you have any specific questions about my story that might be spoilery please send me a PM on the bulletin board and I will get back to you. Last responding to Lonely_reader's comment. Thank you for the feedback I totally understand your criticisms. This is the first story I've ever written and I'm still trying to figure everything out hopefully I can improve my characters and dialogue in the future and you're right everything has started going to well for him since meeting Eve I'll try to keep that in mind going forward and be sure to throw some roadblocks in his path in the future.

a good story sofar, for good ideas about how to make it so he doesent suddenly get all things going his way try reading three square meals from Tefler on this site.

Congrats on the first chapter of your first story.

I would say write whatever length works for you. Many authors never finish stories in part because it can become a grind. So, use an approach that keeps you motivated.

This is just my personal commentary and others might feel differently, but the amount of gamer stats info was at the upper limit for me -- fine, particularly for setting the scene. I just wouldn't want more in a chapter or that much every chapter. Now, surprise quests and abilities sound great -- as does a humorous dungeon master.

So, did you have an actual small town outside London in your mind?

Cheers, Bill.

Great story and good to have a chapter long enough to get into and enjoy before it disappeared. Looking forward to the next chapter soon I hope.

Thanks anon for the suggestion of reading three square meals i'll definitely do that. As for your comment thetorontoguy future chapters shouldn't have as much gamer info. The problem was given how I decided to make the story it kind of required a huge info dump in order to do 2 things one to be able to give the ability some structure and rules so its easier to understand and having that structure makes it easier for me to keep everything in check. Also i haven't commented on this yet but the anonymous comment titled influences? Yes i was thinking of angels and other humans getting involved with him. For team structure prolly sao/lms over log horizon mostly because his abilities won't be limited by a class. Last as for how he's gaining power fast i was thinking the major villains were gonna be dbz like the next villain stronger than the last you know like a typical rpg. You rarely find the next main story villain is a lower level than the one that came before.

Thank you, I really enjoyed it.

I think long chapter like this one are great, it allow to develop more the characters and the story.

Yay another gem found plz keep long chapters I love them and great story.

great story. well thought out, well executed, pervy but with heart. I did think it was kind of dumb for him to turn down the equivalent of a soul in mana for an actual soul. also his bargaining skill leaves much to be desired in general (i faceplamed when I read that bit) and renegotiation would only be possible if he became more powerful than old meph. also there are 7 virtues to counterpoint the 7 deadly sins. so he could collect energy based on those instead of the sins. also I believe pride and vanity are the same thing really so if it was still 7 I would add cowardice and say that people just got it wrong. just my thought as compressed as I could make em. feel free to ignore

Honestly feel like this is gonna be another great series like IntrepidFate, Ahazura, and Lien_Geller to name a few more famous names on here

You did a great job with the story. You had plenty of details in all spots that needed it. Now I will say don't make the chapter's short. Keep them flowing from one chapter to the next and you will be all good. Also I'm also a big fan of Log Horizon so I think it's cool the some one mentioned it here.

I thoroughly enjoyed this story. A unique premise, good writing, sexy as fuck overall. Good stuff. It could possibly use a touch of refinement in the grammar/punctuation arena, but to be fair, I'm only saying that because you asked for criticism. I'd happily read it to the conclusion right now if there were 17 more chapters available of similar length. On the question of length, I agree with what others have said and encourage you heavily to continue this style. Long, storytelling narratives of this quality are few and far between in my experience, and when you shorten them you can lose some of the magic.

I did feel as though some of the 'upgrades' were a bit too much, too soon, but then again- a few decent accomplishments while being low-leveled is enough to make your character OP in plenty of games, so it's not a huge complaint. I would encourage you to venture a bit further into the kinky opportunities you've create in this universe. He can truly do anything he wants, and fix it if he causes any problems. Mind control is an easy start but take it where you want to. So much opportunity.

PLEASE continue your work. I will be checking in regularly to see if you've posted more.

Great job!

continue the good...uh...evil work, enjoyed this immensely and can't wait for the next installment

Looking forward to the next one I will be waiting for it

I did not expect anyone to do a such a good job after 'Dream Drive' spoilt it for me. Kindly do not shorten the chapters too much. IMHO it throws the narrative off course as you have a lot to explain about various upgrades.

Definitely 5+ stars

This is definitely an entertaining story, that's for sure. It's not the first story to explore a guy gaining powers, but it's the first one that does it like this - like the Gamer. The skills, quests, stats, and so on, give it a bit of a twist. I always love to read "Guy getting powers" genre, but this makes it interesting all the more. I'd definitely want to see more of this!

However.

There are a couple of things that are lacking and are off-putting. The first thing is the main character, Richard/Marcus. The second is the tone of the story.

Take The Gamer manhwa. The very premise of gaining Gamer powers makes it instantly hilarious, and the Gamer actually handles everything that's happening to him in a hilarious manner. Sure, the supernatural world he became a part of is grim and dangerous, but the point is that he's taking it with a lighthearted tone, which is a big plus. Your story, however, starts off very grim. I know, I get it - the main character needed to be desperate enough to consider demonic summoning, no fault in that logic - but since it started off so grim, it set a serious tone for the story that's not easy to escape from. Of course, you did make a few lighter tones with the gaming popups (namely their quirky descriptions, thus major kudos for that, that was fun), but considering the serious tone of the exposition, the funny quirkiness later on is actually off-putting. Which brings me to the second stuff that's off-putting, and that is your main character (and this is somewhat connected to the tone of the story).

The problem with the main character is that he is not... well, I'm having trouble finding a correct word here... he's not consistent? Not complete? What I'm trying to say is that he is too benevolent now compared to what he was put through in his youth. That kind a thing leaves humongous scars, and a person would either need to be mentally strong as hell or to have already had something amazing happen to heal them. And frankly, there's no way that only kindness from a little old lady next door would have been sufficient for that. This is why I'm saying that his decision to just "be good" is not consistent with his history. It just... doesn't happen. I can't see how it can happen. But don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying that he should be evil (though evil-but-hilarious character might have its charms), but a person can't just decide to be a good guy; I don't think life works that way. Also (and I really need to emphasize this), his decision to [quote] "crush criminal empires and bring an end to anyone who threatens the public's safety" is a very cheesy plot point. I mean seriously. Unless you were trying to make it sound like quirky fun (like some manga characters tend to be), that kind of thing doesn't belong in a story meant for 18+ audience. Especially if you consider that he was summoning demons.

That is why I say the main character is not consistent. Other characters show this tendency as well, and in this, I agree with another reviewer who said that their dialogues feel a bit off.

So, obviously, while your story is ultimately very good, and I wouldn't mind reading more of it as it already is, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to improve it. Characters are your weakest point. For this, I have two advises:

Option 1 - Go for the fun quirkiness as the tone for the whole story. It's not as easy to do with the story that's narrated from the first person POV, but you can avoid in-depth character development.

Option 2 - Change and improve your main and support characters. This requires a lot of work, but it's ultimately very rewarding for an aspiring writer. You need to make your characters flawed, but that only makes them all the more memorable once they overcome their inner obstacles. With that in mind, the correct way to progress a story of this type is through these steps:

1 - The main character gains powers. 2 - The main character immediately uses those powers for personal gain. 3 - Something happens (preferably early on) that makes him realize he's being too cocky and/or too careless for his own good. 4 - He starts getting smart and tactful. 5 - As he progresses, he starts meeting more and more people whose personality passively influences him for the better without him even noticing it. 6 - Due to the above, he spontaneously starts doing good things. 7 - Hero's Nemesis starts to show up from behind the scenes, 8 - Hero combats the Nemesis's agents, 9 - Epic showdown, victory, and happy end.

Notice the first 6 steps. They enable much better character development than simple: 1 - Gain powers, 2 - Decide to do good things. 3 - Hot girl prospects just appear and just instantly like the main character for his personality despite only knowing him for a day. It happens, yes, but it's not interesting to read about.

Of course, using those 9 generalized steps from above would mean that you'd have to rewrite some of the things from the first chapter, namely the character's background and further interactions with other characters. To do this at all is up to you. What you've written so far is okay as it is, but it'd be a shame to not try to improve it, because you can. And I feel that you should. Ultimately, isn't that what being an aspiring writer is all about? But that's just my opinion. Remember, you are free to do whatever you like.

I would have advised you to read a story called "Path of the Necromancer" by Intrepid_Fate because it would give you amazing material, but that story was taken down, but an author called "JC_The_Continuer" can send you a copy, I'm pretty sure.

-Joker.

Holy Crap! This is awesome! Please tell me you plan to keep updating this!

Thank you all for the feedback and praise. I am currently about 1/3 of the way through chapter 2. I'm trying to use the advice and feedback to help make my story even better. I'm not sure when it will be done and forcing a time limit on myself only seemed to make me feel rushed which was causing sloppier writing. I promise to continue working on this story unless I say otherwise I won't simply drop the story and not say anything. Please be patient and hopefully I can live up to your expectations.

This is an incredibly clever idea and would make the basis for an extremely fun game.

It's been THREE WEEKS! Great story, and a lot of fun! But the wait is killing me!

5 stars, obviously.

Need more of this epicness in my life. Write at your leisure, we can wait

Looking forward to the next chapter!

Please more

It's so hard to not just write a good stories but one basses based on several other thing and I must say this one is amazing. I have read this a few times now waiting on the new chapter. I personally love longer chapters but just do you and happy writing. And as an anime fan I thank you.

This is amazing, not just a hot story but one with a great ammount of detail and actual plot. Clearly a lot of thought went into this. 5 stars. Can't wait for more.

Really enjoyed your first chapter. I like to have longer chapters... Look forward to the next one.

Chapter 2 is currently going through editing. I can't make any promises for when it will go up. My editor is a really busy guy and while I'm sure I could find someone else I have a good chemistry with him and I'd rather keep it that way. I'm sorry it's taking so long, but I'd rather take my time to give something good rather than rush it and produce garbage. Thanks again for all the feedback.

Can't wait for more. Keep it up :)

I'm glad that the story is to be continued. So if you have to take your time in writing your story to make it good then do so. True fans will be patient for a realy good story like the way this one is turning out to be. I do worry about that girl he has told everything to. I hope she does not become a problem for our hero. So hope to see your next chapter as soon as it's posted.

Which manhwa was it by chance called The Gamer

Yes it's called The Gamer.

Enjoyed it, can't wait for more

Really enjoyed the story, and have been anxiously waiting for the next installment. According to your post part two has been with the editor for 5 weeks. That seems like a long time... I'm just wondering, when we can expect to see the follow up? Not trying to complain, and I know that you're doing this for free, but I REALLY enjoyed your work and REALLY want to see where you go next. The gaming framework really appealed to the geek in me, and I liked the thought you put into the details. The Perk names were also a lot of fun.

So, even knowing that I'm basically whining at someone I don't know while asking them to hurry up and give me something for free...

Please hurry up and give me something for free!!!

Oh, and Happy New Year!

Unfortunately he's been really busy with work and his personal life so he hasn't had the time to do much work editing it. Hopefully I'll get it back soon and make it ready for release. Please be patient and I ask for your understanding.

Chapter 2 has been submitted for review. Assuming they don't find any issues it should be available for your reading pleasure soon. Thank you for your patience.

Richard Less, for example.

Through page 1. Ready to jump off a bridge. Too damned depressing. I know it should improve, but don't want to risk this becoming a revenge theme and being dragged down further.

I have to say I am so glad I found this series it has everything I want and more and I like how you used " the gamer manga" for reference because I love that series and still do thank you very much for your work !

Interesting concept, but this guy really needs to learn to flex his magic muscle. I mean, he's essentially handed unlimited powers and he decides to go to Walmart and then clean up a crime scene by hand. He could have called the cops, had them clean up the mess, and then told them to forget the whole thing happened. Or he could have conjured an army of hobgoblins. Or he could have just snapped his damn fingers and made the blood, prints, and dead body all disappear.

Aside from being able to hide a corpse in his inventory it seems like turning his life into a video game is actually really limiting his abilities. The deal he made wasn't just for the ability to use and collect mana, it was to use magic. So if the guy has access to "true magic" as you called it, then why the hell is he scrubbing floors and settling for cheap clothes? Why is he even concerned about how much money he has in the bank?

I get that Richard/Marcus doesn't want to be seduced by the power and end up corrupted, but there is really not much point in making a deal with the devil if you plan on living like a saint.

I love this amazing story. You have created an amazing piece of work.

~HaremLover

I think I would rather play the game.

It would be more dramatic if he surprised eve with his new ability

mahwa inspired stories are the best

Why would he help people in danger? Nobody helped him when he was humiliates, abused and mentally and physically humiliated

I dont like this Julie, after giving her head she says stuff like i might keep you.. is he a fking dog? Also she talks about how she would date the old him bla bla but 0 talk about if he would want to even date her wtf.

Notto mention how da fuk you write a hero story while your username is pureevil lmao. Also why did he tell a total stranger his whole life story including details about himself + deals with the devil dafuk lol