All Comments on 'Capturing My Sister'

by SEVERUSMAX

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  • 36 Comments
amasterfoundamasterfoundover 19 years ago
GREAT!

I loved it, But of course you already know that since I have told you before from having read it before on other sites.

As usual it is a great story, Master!

Your ever loving submissive slave and most devoted fan!

AnonymousAnonymousover 19 years ago
boring

Sorry, but the headline says nearly everything worth to say. There isn't hardly any tension, it's more like a summary of a much longer and more detailed story, into which the writer has put more his heart into than you might have done. Besides some dialogues are - unwillingly I think - quite ridiculous: When Jessy wants to kiss her brother, the answer is "I've kidnapped you. It's illegal." Do you really want to express, that it's illegal to kiss her kidnapper?? Think before you write, or you better read only!

SEVERUSMAXSEVERUSMAXover 19 years agoAuthor
Stupid comments....

...I deleted some of these vague insults. The writers clearly could learn writing from me, and, yet, they presume to critique my work. Let THEM learn writing first, and then, they might have a basis to comment. Frankly, since they are anonymous, I can only assume they are ignorant basement virgins who only want quick jerking-off stories.

If anyone has an INTELLIGENT, contructive criticism, let him or her write it, but silly comments based on no specifics, but just personal dislike for the plot or area are pointless and absurd.

This is an earlier story of mine, by the way, and I am sure that my newer work is improved, but it is still a better story than these tasteless imbeciles care to admit.

SEVERUSMAXSEVERUSMAXover 19 years agoAuthor
By the way...

...it seems that most of the stories alot of readers favor are cuckold stories, which I despise, yet I don't personally attack cuckold story writers anymore. I ask the same favor of readers of this, and other, incest stories. If you don't like incest stories, don't read them.

The same goes for male dominance stories, which I tend to write. Just because you may not like my bondage or group sex themes, does not mean that you should dismiss my writing skills.

dirtybear42dirtybear42over 19 years ago
I SEE YOU ARE MOST IMPRESSED BY YOU WRITING

SKILLS....Must be such a bore to have us common rif-raf reading you wonderful words !!!!!! BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS

AnonymousAnonymousover 19 years ago
Seriously Needs Work

Your story needs help. I already get it from the responses that you have posted to other reviewers that you won't like my comments any more than you did the others but you asked for intellegent comments so here you go.

First off your dialogue is lacking. It has the feel to the reader of being robotic and common. It lacks the necessary emotional intensity to be a truly enjoyable read.

Second I agree with one of your reviewers that suggested that it felt like reading a summary rather than a story. There was no excitement or tension in the story and given the story that you are trying to establish it was necessary and the reader feels let down over not seeing it present.

Third is that your characters are bland. There is nothing about any of them that would make you want to see them win in the end. All of your characters are written like they are the cardbord of cutout of the real characters that they could be.

Lastly, your comments to people that have reviewed your story are unproductive. All it really serves to do is make any one coming after feel like you are wildly arrogant and could care less about what they think or have to say. The board is there so that others can share their comments and yet you reply to comments that have been removed. Not even allowing other readers to see for them selves what you are talking about.

I was vastly disappointed in this story. And regardless of what you would think aobut my comments, they come from experience. I have been editing writing for four other writers, one on this site, for over two years now. Beyond that I have short stories of my own that have been published. And just because I don't have a membership with this site doesn't make my comments any less valid.

Just to level the playing field. My address is morganscare@netscape.net. So if you feel my comments aren't clear enough for you, feel free to tell me off, after all that's what freedom of speach is all about. And my comments are in no way meant to censor you.

mrpervy46mrpervy46over 19 years ago
Not in Canada

Definatly needs work, here in Canada such blantant racizum is against the law for one thing. The incest part was hot, and the two women part although nieve is interesting. Any type of racizum is against the law in Canada, although it is allowed in the USA under free-speach, it is against the law here period.

SEVERUSMAXSEVERUSMAXover 19 years agoAuthor
Okay, so it felt "bland" and "robotic"...

...to you. Fair enough. Subjective, but you are entitled to that. I am not out to censor you, just as you are not out to censor me. As for the deleted comments, they were not intelligent enough to take up any more space. I'm sorry that you did not enjoy my story, but people differ. Is it my favorite of my own stories? No, it is not. I had been writing online for less than 6 months when I wrote it, but I still maintain that it is better than alot of these run-on, unrealistic tales.

Could it be longer? Perhaps. Frankly, the sex could be longer, I'm sure. A revised version with more sex would help it, I don't doubt. However, this criticism largely seems to spring a subjective attitude about what certain people like in characters. Dan is not the most emotional person in the world here, yet he does have a couple of soft spots, for his sister and his partner. Jessica is brainwashed, so she is going to seem like a bit of a zombie or a numb person for a while. As for Heather, I thought that she was fairly realistic for a tomboy who secretly wants her boss. Perhaps I could have added more detail about her feelings toward. That's hindsight. All in all, however, I still feel it is a damn good tale, even if it could be improved.

Possibly the best critique came in my e-mail from a self-proclaimed "ballistics expert". He said that I should include more details about destroying the evidence.

As for the no racism in canada bit, that's a tad naive. No law is going to change people's beliefs, they will simply be more careful about asserting it. That's why the cult was located in a hidden part of Saskatchewan, where it is harder for the authorities to find.

Having addressed the more reasonable of the critics, I will simply say, if you don't like my defiance and "arrogance", so be it. If I seem like a snob, it is for a reason. I have taste. Of course, having taste doesn't preclude some profanity, so kiss my ass!

P.S. I must credit those critcs who were not anonymous for having the balls to show their e-mail address.

MorgansCareMorgansCareover 19 years ago
Subjective It's Not

My comments were not subjective and when I said that it was robotic and bland it was because of the way that it was written, not necesarily what the characters were saying. You use almost no contributing structure to dialogue sentences. Things like 'he whispered' or 'she yelled' (short examples but it explains what I mean).

A good story is made up into three parts (and this was told to me by my first editor. Part one is the dialogue. Second is the actions of the characters. Third is the internal dialogue and speach inflections of the characters.

You suggest that my comments are subjective and that's a good way to deflect my comments and ignore them. But they are nothing that hasn't been told to me at one point or another by people who published my work.

And as for the three parts, you are missing two of them. Your dialogue is there but you are missing the actions of the characters (things such as touching an arm while talking, etc.) and the inflections of speech.

And if still you want to say that my comments are subjective that's fine. But you could try to take a look at your writing, now that I have explained what I meant, and see if you see it. Look carefully and you will.

As for the idiot that suggested that in Canada racism is illegal!!!! Give it up. There are laws against insiting violence in Canada, which is part of the hate crime statues (Criminal Code of Canada). But the Charter of Rights and Freedoms has parts that cover freedom of speech and freedom of assembly. As a Citizen of Canada and former resident, I learned that in grade 11 law. So take a look at a grade school book and try again. (also, kidnapping is illegal in Canada, as said in the story but then so is incest)

Sorry for the rant but you can't regulate someones thoughts for feelings and that's what anti-racism statues try to do, which Canada doesn't have.

I hope that this clarified my eariler comments.

MorgansCare

SEVERUSMAXSEVERUSMAXover 19 years agoAuthor
You're certainly entitled to your opinion, ....

.....but just be aware that not everyone shares your excessively dismal attitude toward my story. So, there wasn't as much detail as there could have been. Fine. There was still more detail than you admit. I maintain that your adjectives are largely subjective. By the way, subjectivity is an editor's vice too, not just a writer or critic's. Try to take what people say with a grain or two of salt in the future. Editors and critics are fallibe, just as much as writers.

I try to consider reasonable criticism, and listen. I am just not one to AUTOMATICALLY believe all criticism, especially when it's vague. I admit that your criticism is more sensible than some. I do not think that you are more than half-right.

juanjsojrjuanjsojrover 19 years ago
great story and hot

don't listen to other assholes they don't know shit this story was hot and good

TheAntiMeTheAntiMeabout 18 years ago
Is Too Interesting!

I don't have a problem with this, not at all. The main character turned out to be much more interesting in the end than could ever have been predicted. The dialogue manages to achieve a definite duality as it is both amusing while exuding quite a bit of passion, as well. Of course, I'm refering to the real story here in which the main character is also the author. I can go along with the 75 rating suggested by the author for the story. I must admit, however, that I was much more entertained by the "running-battle" nature of the post-story comments.

keairankeairanover 16 years ago
too short

I love the premise of the story, and there are some bones there for a truthfully great piece of work, but those bones are bare. I suggest you take this story, edit it, flesh it out an incredible amount. I think this story could be turned into at least a 3 or maybe even 5 page read. granted, i'm a fan of relatively long stories (the one i'm currently writing is on the third page, and while the sex is in sight, it won't probably be till the fourth page). I notice that several people say similar things, i hope you take the advice.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 15 years ago
OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just wasted my time reading this. Try again.

Heavenly_gurl09Heavenly_gurl09over 14 years ago
NICE

I thought that your story was good, although i don't know much about laws in Canada, all in all i thought the story was moving, very intriguing and i didn't want to stop reading even after i was done, please let me know if there is more in store. So what if some people didn't like it, you can't please everyone and will go crazy trying to. If you liked it, then that's all that matters in the end.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 14 years ago
BORING

That was truly horrifying. It was boring at the beginning and the way the dialouge spoke was like a fourth grader`s. I mean seriously, "secret agent?" "secret camp brainwashing?" The sex part wasn`t even entertaining. It was boring and short.

clnshvnclnshvnabout 14 years ago
Wow!!

Such a wonderful and hot story. I loved it!!!

AnonymousAnonymousabout 14 years ago
Absolute crap.

the dialouge was awful, the sex was very un-arousing and the plot was astonishingly bad. PLease spare us the torture of your terrible writing in future!

AnonymousAnonymousabout 14 years ago
Lolwut.

That was awful. The whole premise was ridiculous, and read like some 15 year old virgin's fantasy. The dialogue was appalling, the sex incredibly mundane. LURK MOAR.

joualjoualalmost 14 years ago
Needs some work

Here are a few points, all of which are just my opinions, of course.

First, it seemed to me that the progression from relief at Clyde’s demise to a full-on threesome was rather fast. If I’m not mistaken, Heather was still covered with blood at the time. Furthermore, if he’d been shot in the belly and the head there would be lots of blood and possibly other messy stuff all over the place. I would think puking would be a more plausible first reaction.

Second, the behaviour of the detectives was so far over the top that it ruined the plausibility of the story for me. Not only was the kidnapping totally illegal, but it was combined with assault and battery and threat of use of a deadly weapon. Next, shooting Clyde *from behind* is murder, plain and simple. It’s way past the bounds of plausible self-defence (or defence of another - in this case Heather) under Canadian law. If Mike had shot him in the arm to get him to release Heather it would probably have been allowable. It’s possible that Mike would be able to plead guilty to second-degree murder in order to avoid being prosecuted for first-degree, but either way he’d do some very serious time. There’s no way that the three protagonists would be able to settle down together until Mike got out of prison, which would be (at a guess) at least five years in the future, and probably a lot more.

That brings me to my third point. There’s no equivalent to the American Mann Act in Canada. So the business about "crossing provincial lines" with a woman for the purpose of sex is nonsensical. A minor detail, I suppose, but another bit of damage to the plausibility. Further, the line about "the laws of the Province of Saskatchewan would disagree with you" in reference to Clyde’s marital status is just inaccurate. Marriage and divorce come under federal law, not provincial.

They say that you should write what you know, and I’m aware that there are tons of exceptions to that rule. (How would anyone write science fiction or fantasy?) Nevertheless, it seems to offer some guidance in this case. As I’m a dual citizen of Canada and the U.S., and have lived most of my life in Canada, I think I’m entitled to say that if you’re not familiar with Canadian law, writing detective stories (even erotic ones) set in Canada may not be for you.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago

Rather tasteless..........particularly the part about "neo-nazis"......jeesh.

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
Heather

I don't see how you can have sex with someone while they have brain matter splattered all over them.

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
It was good until...

Jessie confessed her love. That dialog was just *bad*.

AnonymousAnonymousover 10 years ago
writer has a big EGO

this was crappy at best the writer needs to delete it and do a proper rewrite using a good editor and needs to listen to the bad comments IF he wants to improve. this story has as much feeling as a loaf of bread and the writer seems to be posting his own rave reviews or paying for them thats the only way this crap would get any.

AnonymousAnonymousover 10 years ago
Tripe

Terrible dialog, unconvincing action, dull and pointless sex, in all, a very dull and strangely uninvolving story, but then, when you try and tell what should be a considerably longer story in just one page, what you get is a rushed, cod-Mickey Spillane story synopsis like this. This story should have been longer and more detailed, with more build-up to the relationships that suddenly blossomed out of nowhere in the last couple of paragraphs. The author needs to read anything by beachbum1985, PacoFear, Xarth, Charger Girl, to name a few, writers who know how to ease a story along and maintain the tension without rushing to the final hurdle, and maybe take a few leaves from their collective book. This comment will no doubt get deleted, because the 'writer' can't bear to be criticised after his mommy's told him what a talented mommy's little soldier he is...

mcbtwsmcbtwsover 9 years ago
Pure Unadulterated Pish.

'Nuff said!

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 9 years ago
How boring it must be

Up there all alone on the pedestal of your own imaginings. I suppose being a legend in your own mind must compensate for this story that reads like someone else wrote it and you just chopped away all the interest, life, sparkle, and tension to make it fit your ideas of what a good story should be like; the problem is that you don't actually know what that is. Instead you give us this, which is dull, turgid, predictable, and thankfully too short to stay in the mind. I can see where you set out to write an adventure story, unfortunately your reach exceeded your grasp, as you really don't know how to write in a compelling or riveting way; obviously your storytelling skills need to be found, I suggest you dig down deep, as this is not a good or interesting story, nor is it particularly well written, and gives the reader no urge to go and look up your other stuff for more of the same. Big Fail, too dull for words, no stars.

AnonymousAnonymousover 7 years ago
Rubbish

Not even close to do anything for me just grimmace at this tripe !!

Sorry but you need to start from fresh with a better idea and more believable !!

SEVERUSMAXSEVERUSMAXover 7 years agoAuthor
Wow, you seriously dug up a story of mine from 2004 to bash!

Talk about gravedigging! Sure, it's not polished or whatever.....I wrote it when I had to use the word processor at an internet café with a time limit, before I had a PC of my own. Naturally, your critique lacks specifics, just like the majority (though not all) of the mostly anonymous trolling done here. Trolls must be getting pathetically desperate now.....run out of cuckold stories to bash?

AnonymousAnonymousover 3 years ago
Not good at all

It was a waste of time

AnonymousAnonymousabout 3 years ago
Horrible!

At least put some thought into it.

AnonymousAnonymousover 2 years ago

Different, but good. Well done

Rancher46Rancher46over 2 years ago

Commenters just don't understand that this is a fictional story and the imagination of the author. I for one loved the storyline and the happily ever after that the author gave Dan, Heather and Jessy. Gets my 5 star vote.

AnonymousAnonymousover 1 year ago

Good potential, but I'm struck by the fact that Heather was covered in Clyde's blood, and they took the time to get naked and he fucked the both of them with a dead body in the room, in a motel where shots were fired. Yes, it's fictional, but I say, "Hmm." Obviously, they got away, and Clyde "disappeared", but still, "Hmm."

unclemerv77unclemerv77about 1 year ago

good but, what happened to Clyde's body?

AnonymousAnonymousabout 2 months ago

Lots of part of the story is not reasonable. Please think in detail when you write a story. That way you can avoid the errors.

Anonymous
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