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Smooth reading!
Enjoyed your 1st chapter, very smooth reading. Plot appears seamless at this point, anticipating next installment, keep it flowing! sincerely,jagpappy
Tantalizing Tale~
Scared me~...he he he happy Halloween (~_*) I don't go for the vampire tales in general but I enjoyed your introduction to what will surely be more chapters to come, good luck.
Good start
Great start, fleshed out it would be a pretty good vampire novel. Can't wait for the next chapter, keep 'em coming.
Well written
Characters seemed flat, though. Not enough time taken to really establish them.
Hoping
I'm hoping you are busy writing chapter 2 right now! I really want to find out what happens next.
Good luck.
I wish you had posted the whole story....
This sounds like the beginning of a series, for a contest, you might get higher ratings if you post the whole story at once (or at least in several installments). I have 2 entries, The Mask (funny) and Who Killed Lois Laynes, a murder mystery in the New section. Feel free to review them and leave a comment.
hiya
hope you're busy writing chapter 2 ..!! :)
Not bad...nooot bad!
Do some more on it. It's really good. A little advice about waked, awoke, awake, woken, etc, ad nauseum...
'Ray had waked in the.." should read: Ray had woke, or Ray woke. That is perfectly acceptable, grammatically correct, but more importantly, it is not awkward.
Second: use of the word 'woken'. When used like you had used it three lines down from the part about waking up in the cave, it should have read: '[he] had woke (no 'n')...in some...etc'; also you could have said '[he]had awoke (but once again, no 'n')'. The word woken is okay--just barely--but is typically used with the word 'up': 'He'd woken up in some...'; but to say: 'he [had] woken in some..(without the word 'up') is an awkward usage for a double past tense verb, and implies that he is still in the process of waking up, sometime after the fact of saying so.
The story is otherwise very good. Just thought you might be interested in the other stuff...
Cheers!
please finish
i like this. well written. if you are still out there please finish.
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