All Comments on 'My Story with Cathy Ch. 01'

A great start. Hope you continue it, soon!

Looking forward to the completion.... wish you had kept writing.

make her a sex slave

I would have scored the story higher except for two things: One, the dialogue was not realistic and two, her behavior in that setting was too improbable.

The conversations between your characters should be just as if you were talking to someone. Imagine some of your own conversations with people. We don't often get to spell out or explain each and every thought we have when talking to someone else. We have to process information fast and respond faster than when writing things down. This leads to short, concise phrases with a lot of implied meaning. For example, you wrote:

"What's the hell are you doing here? You're not supposed to come home early tonight!"

That's too long a phrase for someone caught in the act. How would you react if someone whalked in on you masterbating? Something like "shit!" or "Oh fuck!" while you scramble to cover yourself up, right? You would also hardly be in a position for righteous indignation or long inquisitive sentences. We already knew your main character was home early, his sister didn't need to tell us again.

Another example:

"Oh yah? And I'm going to tell dad his 22 years old daughter enjoy playing with herself naked on his sofa. You know what; Dad will be very interested to know the source of the wet sticky patch soiling his favorite blue sofa after all. "

Just say: "I'm gonna tell Dad." Bam. All of us already know the consequences of our parents catching us in a compromised position. I'm sure your female character did to. She also knows her own age and, probably, that she leaks when she masterbates. Find another way to get their ages in. As a matter of fact, you don't even have to give an age. we already know your male character is 18 and that she is his older sister.

It is often difficult to convey the essense of spoken conversation on paper because of so much that is said and understood through body language. A good example of the diferences is talking to someone in person and talking to that same person on the telephone. Have you ever noticed that your conversation is different??? A similar thing occurs in writing dialouge. There is so much information to convey that is simply understood in face to face talk between people who know each other that it often becomes difficult to express in written dialogue. Somehow, information known between two people has to be transferred to the reader without sounding dorky or forced. Try adding some background color to the story. Insert the character's thoughts and keep their talk between each other short and crisp. Tape record your casual conversations with others so you can hear later on what a real conversation sounds like. And, don't be lazy. Sometimes in the rush to complete a story, a lot of what we see in our head never gets translated to paper. Take your time. Do a first draft. Let it sit. Try and put the whole story out of your head and then read your draft. See what's missing? Now go in and build on the setting. How much of what is said can be better presented as a discription rather than as dialogue. Rewrite the dialogue without saying the obvious, without becoming overly descriptive.

On the other point: suspension of disbelief for me couldn't go far enough to conceive of a girl in her parents house disgarding all her clothes and masterbating openly in the livingroom . . . unless she really wanted to be caught. But nothing in your story conveyed that desire. You male character also speculated about what would cause her to scatter her clothing so wildly around the room, but you never came back to that point to give us a reason. Don't hang things out there (foreshadow) something you don't intend to get back to.

I like your premise, but flush it out a little.

And, check you grammer...PLEASE!!!

One of the best i have read, hope to have more of ass/scat play in the parts to come. The best part of this story--

Her finger was digging deeply inside her hole. When she pulled it out of her asshole, it was really sticky and dirty. There was a brown stain on it. She raised her finger to her nose and smelled it;

"Eef. It really smells like shit, Tom. Try to smell it and you will never think of tasting it."

I took one step towards her to be able to smell the finger she was pointing on me. I was very aware of the short distance separating my erected penis from her opened pussy. I could feel the air carrying her crotch hotness to my bare skin. At that point, we were very intimate and sunken deep in doing the forbidden.

"Com' on, Tom. Take a sniff. Have you changed your mind?"

She put her dirty finger under my nose and I took a deep breath. I was shocked by the power of this smell. It reminded me of the faint smell I found when I examined the dirty brown spot inside her panty. But this smell was much much stronger. Her panty smell was soft and hypnotic. This smell was very strong and shocking. It sharpens your senses, awakes you from your dizzy dreams and leaves you like a horny dog. I pulled her finger into my mouth and savored this strong taste with every single taste bud of mine. I liked her finger passionately with my tongue and returned it clean to her. When I finished, my cock was moaning with desire not because I enjoyed the taste rather than I enjoyed the idea; I tasted my older sister's asshole.

Cathy was looking at me with a disgusted face; "How does it taste?"

"You taste good, sis."

"Really?" She was considering for a moment. "Does it really turn you on seeing me tasting my ass...hole?"

Sadly part two wasnt hot.

Good history,but sorry i won't go to suck a finger full of shit!!!I suck the arsehole of my sister Jennifer,but she takes a bath before and her asshole has a good smelling of soap.

I like the content and story line. Grammatical errors severely detract from the overall enjoyment.

I think she should dominate him, use his fetishes to control him.

Why would he refer to his dick, cock, penis, whatever as his "thing" at least three times before he finally called it his penis later in the story. Is he merely 12?

This has the possibilities of a story that could run and run don't waste it

wwhat is with you and shit tasting, that ruins all your stories, no one wants to read about a girl digging shit out of her ass and eating it, thats disgusting

Well old shit eater you've done ruined another otherwise good story with your shit eating way's.

Hot story. 5 stars