I feel that you introduced many characters; however, you did not expand on them. It is a good story and it has more potential. If you could just start over and take it slowly. This story can easily be 10 chapters. I get the feeling you want to draw it out. You realize there is more you can do with the villains also. The reader can feel empathy for the hero. Because he seems like someone I would like to learn more about. Overall, it is a great read. There is just so much more you should done with it.
by
Anonymous12/29/04
hmmm
To me this read like a Summary to a lager story.
It could be a good story if it just had meat on it bones but as it is it's just a shadow of what it could be
Samuelx with all the complex background that you brefly give realy need to be given over several chapters in order to develop. I sence that you have the story all work out in your mind you need to draw it from your mind to words so that your readers understand the meaning of the names that you throw out .
EXP. the Purification Alliance. and the other factions and how it the are revent to Randall and Wendy's story
Hellkite
by
Anonymous01/18/07
Thanks for a Great Start!!!
This read like an intro to one of the Vampire Chronicles, by Anne Rice, a FAVORITE read of mine. I'd love for you to work at it and develop the characters and give it a go. If you haven't read the Vampire Chronicles, PLEASE do so. From your writing, I know you'd enjoy them. The originals are the best. Thanks very much and all success. ..Tim
English
A good story but...
I feel that you introduced many characters; however, you did not expand on them. It is a good story and it has more potential. If you could just start over and take it slowly. This story can easily be 10 chapters. I get the feeling you want to draw it out. You realize there is more you can do with the villains also. The reader can feel empathy for the hero. Because he seems like someone I would like to learn more about. Overall, it is a great read. There is just so much more you should done with it.
hmmm
To me this read like a Summary to a lager story.
It could be a good story if it just had meat on it bones but as it is it's just a shadow of what it could be
Samuelx with all the complex background that you brefly give realy need to be given over several chapters in order to develop. I sence that you have the story all work out in your mind you need to draw it from your mind to words so that your readers understand the meaning of the names that you throw out .
EXP. the Purification Alliance. and the other factions and how it the are revent to Randall and Wendy's story
Hellkite
Thanks for a Great Start!!!
This read like an intro to one of the Vampire Chronicles, by Anne Rice, a FAVORITE read of mine. I'd love for you to work at it and develop the characters and give it a go. If you haven't read the Vampire Chronicles, PLEASE do so. From your writing, I know you'd enjoy them. The originals are the best. Thanks very much and all success. ..Tim
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