All Comments on 'Little Sisters Ch. 02: Bess's First Time'

....need an Editor--someone who understand basic grammar and punctuation. The story gets lost in the writing, making it impossible to finish. I think the story showed real promise. However, I can't say for sure because I just couldn't finish it.

It seems like Alex is just s cum depository with very little emotion, tenderness, or love. When do he and Bess have time to fuck? Bess and Alex are sharing a bed.

Not a loving family.

My older brother and I fooled around like this too but never had intercourse. He would get me off by fingering my clit, and I'd pump his big thick cock until he spurted!

Problem #1: literally no mention of a second sibling in chapter 1

Problem #2: ‘it was rare to see one without the other’.

That line is in paragraph 2, and while it doesn’t determine wether Bess is attached to Joe or Alex, but either way, she should probably have realized that something was going on.

Problem #3: I’m looking for logical consultancies on a porn site.

Problem #4: It seems like your guy is trying to build a lasting relationship with this girl while still casually fucking the last girl and adding others. Building a harem is not a great foundation for trust.

Problem #5+: things I will wait for others to point out

I have noticed as usual with a lot of stories on this site that people just love being negative and rip other people’s stories apart. This is why I stopped posting stories here. I mean why can’t someone just say either they liked it or didn’t like it and leave it at that. Keep writing. Don’t let others deter you.

I was getting hooked to this until you mentioned you’d involve other family members as well. Adios!

The guy below whining about 'ripping other people's stories apart' needs to get a clue. Sure, the author should have a problem with people that are being assholes, verbally abusive towards him/her, cussing at him, telling him to never write again, crap like that.

... But picking apart a story, while it can be rough, also gives the author clue and instructions on how to improve and better their writing. Sure, some people need to learn how to do it in a polite and constructive manner, but if nobody points out the problems, then you never get better!

A story can be good, but not enjoyable. If your brain is constantly being distracted because someone doesn't use punctuation, it runs the flow of the story and is confusing.

Inconsistencies, using words wrong, missing words, lack of capitalization, spelling, they all add up and can detract from, or ruin, a story.

Yes, the author should keep writing! I've rarely seen an author that I wouldn't say that to!

The author here has a number of the issues I listed, and could benefit from a volunteer editor to help in the growing process.

My only addition is that the author doesn't know where the hymen is located, which seems to be a common thing with authors on here. They've never actually been with a girl that has one so they either guess when they write or they read somewhere else, they had it wrong too and just too their word for it. If you're not sure, research stuff!

Please...keep writing, as you have a good story line going here...

Yes, there is a "BUT" coming...

Find an editor, a GOOD editor, and let them correct your writing...

You have too many run-on sentences, and your grammar borders on atrocious; while I can read the content, it is almost like reading a foreign language (which I can, I am bilingual) and having to 'translate' what I am reading as I go.

1st chapter got 5 stars, 2nd got 4, because of the issues...now, on to chapter 3, see how it runs...

Thanks for the effort!