All Comments on 'Role Playing with Michelle Ch. 02'

I'm sorry but this is the most un-erotic erotica I can remember reading.

It's got a hand job that turns into a blowjob, foreplay, an erotic coupling, sexy underwear, a reference to a spanking in an earlier chapter . . . I don't know what more I could have put into it.

It's not how many different acts are included, it's in how they're written:

" In a few seconds we were on that with me on top. She did that Michelle thing I liked so much, digging her heels into my back and ass. And we made a lot of noise. "

This is your description of having sex. That's it - that's all. No, that is not hot, passionate, sexy or erotic. You engage none of the senses - not taste or touch or smell or sight, and certainly there is no emotion.

Without any of that it's just mechanics and mechanics are boring. Technically your writing is very good - much better than the average here - but that's of no consequence if you can't engage or turn on the reader and the result is the low scores you get. If you can't see that or if you feel I'm wrong, well, I guess this won't be helpful.

Well, you've given me some things to consider. I did write this long before I was on this site and I was more interested in the role-play than the sex. Scores - I look at them of course but they aren't everything.

Here's a bit from Updike's <i>Rabbit at Rest</i>; Harry Angstrom is describing long-ago handjobs from his girlfriend. He describes his own semen as "white as lobster meat." "A shocking white really, and tough to mop up. What he loved best in the car with Janice was when she'd sit on him, her ass in his hands and her tits in his face. And tidily take his come away with her."

That's pretty straightforward but it gets to me somehow. It's also neat later on when Harry describes his disgust with cooked lobsters and other shellfish.

Your writing skills are good. But. This story needs more raunchy to it.

I vary the level of explicitness - sometimes I put in more or less detail depending on various factors in the story and how I feel about it.

Try my story New American Gigolo in Humor and Satire. Sorry, I don't think I can't link to it within a comment.