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English
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The immature language (tit first and foremost) wrecked what was shaping up to be a hot story. Choice of words is so important when writing an erotic story, it can really make the difference.
it happened to me just about like that
my lover did the same thing for me only the guy was 10
inches long an fucked me for 2 hrs , i came 6 or 7 times an
loved it an still am fucking him an a couple of other guys with big cocks weekly , im 36 an tpe out at 36dd 36 42 with a big a ass becky that was one hot story
What a stupid non-erotic husband
Where are all these braindead non-erotic pitiful husbands with short dicks for grey matter. But, you gotta love their wives and thier author controled humiliation of male figures.
So author, when does the dispicable husband get his fairness so she can watch?? Oh, thats right - he loves the respect of being cuckolded!!! Suspect you can do better - selfishly we hope so!!!
Only one difference that I could see
was that here, as in life, the age and experience of the older husband came to the fore. Other than that, yeah, same bullshit "heres my wife, mother of my kids, whose mouth I kiss, all laid out right here on this bed! Anyone want a crack at her?" type of story.
I agree with the other poster that the language used was rather maudlin, very little "voice" or style to it. If you wish to continue writing might I suggest you try looking at some of the other writers here? (I can suggest a good list) See how they develop a style. I can tell many writers here without even looking at the top just by the way theyuse words and their style.
State of UN
Unsexy, unbelieveable, UNtil you learn to write past the fetish which you get off on, but no one else is, there is going to be the reactions from readers you are getting. "Jill" has no merit in the story besides your saying males who would hump a blow up doll want her. That is not appealing. She has to be wanted by the reader then perhaps they will give better feedback, but that will also take more effort than you sitting in a chair watching.
good story
hey dont listen to these guys...that was a great story. im a college aged kid and i dream of something similar happenini to me one day. hopefully ill be luck enough
Very nice story
This was a very good story in many respects. One thing you might do to improve it is slow down the pace of the sex, put in a bit more detail, etc., instead of making it feel rushed (to read). Also, perhaps draw out the contrasts in the wife's and her young lover's ages a bit more. Overall, though, I enjoyed reading about the young stud and the sexy wife.
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